Posted on 28 December 2011 by bmar1127
Troy, Michigan - Every year, there seems to be a new weight loss product that promises fantastic results and 2011 was no different. Well, it was a little different. Because while we did see one such product, we have never seen the people who sell these types of products be so relentlessly annoying. That is until the Body By Vi program from Visalus! Seemingly every asshole on Facebook was selling Body By Vi this year. Chances are that your Facebook timeline was clogged almost daily with statements like “Take the Body By Vi Challenge” or “Join The Challenge” or “I challenge you not to hit me in the head with a fucking tack hammer after I post this 10 times a day every day.” Body By Vi is unique because it actually seems to work. There are numerous stories of weight loss from people who use this product. You drink two shakes a day as meals, eat sensibly at dinner, and the pounds will come off. Another way to make the pounds come off is by ANY OTHER DIET WHERE YOU DRINK YOUR MEALS!!! Of course you’re going to lose weight if you simply drink something instead of feeding your fat face with french fries! And here’s the best part – You can do it for a shit load less money than Body By Vi! Another common thing you probably saw from the hundreds of posts trying to get you to buy or or begin selling this ridiculous product was “I can get a BMW and so can you.” These poor wretched souls have been told they will be given a monthly allowance for payment on a BMW once they reach a certain level – which is actually true. However, these miserable beasts do not seem to realize that if they ever stop selling, that car will be gone (much like their dignity was long ago when they began shamelessly pushing this product in our face 27 times a day.) So if your goals are to lose weight, throw extra money away, annoy your friends and family, and earn a new BMW (which will actually come in handy when you have to start buying boxes of the product because none of your clients are buying anymore, because you can live in the BMW when you’ve lost your house.) So if this all sounds good to you AND you enjoy being part of a pyramid scheme that you swear is not a pyramid scheme, then become a salesperson for Body By Vi, the 2011 Ridicularity.com story of the year!
Posted on 26 December 2011 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana - Drew Brees is on pace to break Dan Marino’s single season passing record and will likely do it tonight as the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons in one of the few good matchups that ESPN Monday Night football provides. Brees needs only 305 yards to break Marino’s record of 5,084 yards, which the hall of fame quarterback set in 1984. Considering Brees is averaging 341 yards per game this season, chances are he will set the new record tonight. Chances are even better that after he does so, he will mention hurricane Katrina, which happened over six fucking years ago but Brees, the Saints, the fans, and the local media like to still talk about as if New Orleans were the only area affected by the storm. Brees will likely tell stories for the 500th time about how the Saints helped to rebuild the city and help the many that the storm left homeless. Yes, because homeless people can live in football games, right? Poor and hungry people can eat football games, can’t they? As Brees etches his name into the NFL history books tonight, he will likely talk about how inspirational the members of the Saints football team have been to the people who lost so much. After all, the players themselves were displaced after the storm as well and the only assistance they received was paid travel, meals, and living expenses as they temporarily relocated to San Antonio, Texas. Upon returning to New Orleans, some of the players even had to settle for the regular Ferrari instead of the luxury edition that they wanted, a truly inspiring tale of sacrifice. If Brees does in fact break the record tonight, it will be in front of the home town fans in the Superdome, which will make it that much sweeter for Brees, having the chance to do it in front of so many people who also apparently believe that they were the only ones affected by hurricane Katrina. They will be proud, much prouder than fans of the Saints in parts of Florida and Mississippi who experienced just as much destruction from the storm. But as Brees will remind you – “the storm did not even go there, only New Orleans! In fact, Florida and Mississippi aren’t even real places, they’re clearly just made up.”
Posted on 22 December 2011 by bmar1127
Colorado Springs, Colorado - Christmas break is something that every kid looks forward to. Two weeks off from school to do…well, whatever you want to do – play, hang out wtih friends, go to the mall, or just do nothing at all. Kevin Sanders, a 15 year old high school freshman from Colorado Springs, is using his holidays to watch, as he puts it, an “epic” amount of porn. “Oh, it’s going to get sick” says Sanders. “I’m really using these two weeks to watch just an absurd amount of porn.” Sanders says it’s been a difficult semester so far adjusting to high school life. “It’s a whole new set of teachers, new rules, harder tests, and different kids” he explained. “It’s been a little stressful, so I’m just going to relax and watch a little porn….ok, a lot of porn….ok, actually, I’m honestly going to be watching just a shameful amount of porn. I’m talking like, from the time I get up until my parents get home from work at around 5:30.” Sanders says his original plan was to watch just his normal amount of porn (which is still a disturbing amount), but then as snow began to pour onto the Colorado Springs area earlier this week, he figured as long as he was going to be stuck indoors, he would need something to do. “I mean, sure, I could just watch regular TV, but have you seen the loose shit that’s on during the day?” he asked. He continued, “It’s either soap operas, or ESPN showing the same Sportscenter nine times, or According to Jim – which that show is only slightly less embarrassing than the extremely embarrassing amount of hardcore, barely legal pornography that I’m going to watch.” Sanders’ plan is to continue watching shocking amounts of porn through this week with a break over the weekend due to a personal “no pornography on Christmas” rule he has. He will then resume viewing outrageous amounts of porn on Monday and continue until 2012 arrives the following Sunday. He will then celebrate the first day of the new year by watching NFL football…..and more porn.
Posted on 20 December 2011 by bmar1127
Seattle, Washington - 16 year old Samantha Robertson only wants one thing this Christmas. “I just want the the day to be dark…dark like my soul” the emo girl tells us as she listens to the latest album from the band “The Spill Canvas.” She goes on to say “It’s like everyone wants Christmas to be like this perfect time, but like, it’s not. Like that song “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” is just stupid. You’re just fooling yourself thinking that some snow is going to make everything ok when everything is just dark and everything sucks in the world.” Robertson, who is dressed in black JNCO jeans, black fishnet sleeves under her black Something Corporate t shirt, was recently fired from her job at Hot Topic after a customer told her Merry Christmas and she responded with “Whatever, you’re dead and you don’t even know it.” She explains that “people tell each other that around the holidays to try to mask their true pain, the pain I suffer everyday. Oh, my life is so dark!” (it should be noted that at this point, she has thrown her hand to her head very dramatically as she is speaking.) When she is not cutting herself, Samantha enjoys blogging about how everyone at her high school is a poser and how they are all conformist sheep. She attempted to show us one of her entries on her computer but we couldn’t read it because she had not only painted the walls and ceiling in her room black, but the computer screen as well. When asked why she would paint her computer screen black, she replied by saying that “When your world is as black as mine, then it’s not hard to see through. Darkness is all I know.” Before we left, we asked if she were excited about the upcoming Christmas holiday, to which she simply replied “It’s hard to be excited when I know that everything dies.” We then left as she prepared her homemade tattoo kit and put on a CD she had just made consisting of her favorite songs from The Used and My Chemical Romance.
Posted on 19 December 2011 by bmar1127
Pearl, Mississippi - In the latest installment of “Ridicularity Investigates” we take a look into why it is that when people walk through the doors of a Wal Mart, it’s like they turn into a god damn zombie. It usually begins with the McDonalds that is located at the front of many Wal Mart Supercenters across America. This triggers something in the person (well, they were a person 10 seconds ago) and they will begin drooling almost immediately. They will, however, continue walking, completely disregarding the puddles of drool they leave behind them as they do so. They then begin to make the sound of a combination of growling and moaning when they look at how long the lines are because, for some reason, Wal Mart builds 30 checkout stands but only employs enough people to work 4 of them, so they are constantly backed up. The hunger from McDonalds and the anger from the sight of the long lines apparently causes them to zone out after that, as they just begin walking aimlessly around the store at incredibly slow rates. At this point, they hold no regard whatsoever for the person behind them that may be trying to get their shit and get out of there (though this usually doesn’t come into play because the person behind them has more than likely suffered the same zombie/useless Wal Mart shopper fate.) In the rare case that there is still a human being attempting to navigate their way through the store, the zombie shopper will sense them and blindly walk out of an aisle almost right into them, paying absolutely no attention to where they are going. By this point, the zombie shoppers have buggies and are much more dangerous as they push these things around with no regard whatsoever for human life. By the time the whole journey is over, you have spent a total of 25 minutes in the store and the only thing you came for is a bottle of shampoo! If you have successfully navigated your way through this whole process, you will then likely be attacked by the zombie waiting at the front door to check your receipt. This, however, is not a zombie. It is simply a human being that appears to have been walking the earth for hundreds of years. As you make it out the door and to your car, you stop momentarily to reflect upon the journey and wonder why it is you just wanted to go to the store and were all of a sudden in a fucking episode of The Walking Dead! Nevertheless, you are thankful to have made it out alive……….. Unless you have gone the day after Thanksgiving and maybe reached for the last xbox. In that case, all this is irrelevant, because you have already been eaten alive!
Posted on 18 December 2011 by bmar1127
Denver, Colorado – Tim Tebow is clearly not your average NFL quarterback. That statement is true for his actions both on field and off. We’ve seen him this season take control of a close game with both his arm AND his legs. After the game, his first action is always to thank God and his last action is always to say “God bless.” Always spiritual and emotional, a lot of people continue to poke fun at this side of Tebow’s personality. Well, that side of his personality has now served him and the Denver Broncos well, as they have announced their latest free agent signing….. God. The deal is said to be for 3 years and worth $27 million. “I’m very pleased with this signing” said head coach John Fox. “There were a lot of people who viewed Tim’s lack of conventional QB play as a negative, but now, thanks to their close personal relationship, he was able to talk a game changer like “the almighty” into coming here, so we might have 2 unconventional players now, but I’ll take it if it keeps going the way it is!” Tebow seemed just as delighted as coach Fox when he spoke of the signing. “This is going to be great. We’ve always worked well together and now that I’ve convinced the big man to go pro, we can continue to do so in the NFL” said Tebow. “It was not easy to get him to agree to this, he’s always been more of a behind the scenes kind of guy. He helped me a lot in college, but he never really wanted to be known for it, never wanted to be seen in the stands or on the sidelines during games… I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that he and coach Meyer really didn’t get along.” It seems like that won’t be a problem, however, with the Broncos coaching staff, as they have already begun training God, spending extra time with him at practice this past week and even high fiving him after he had 4 interceptions while working with the second team defense. “It’s amazing” assistant coach Dennis Allen said. “He hasn’t played the game in hundreds of years, yet he showed absolutely no signs of rust out there today in practice. Quarterback coach, Adam Gase, also praised God’s work ethic so far, saying that he seems pretty “old school” and that he seems like the kind of player who would “sacrifice everything for you.” The coaches weren’t the only ones impressed, however. Veteran cornerback, Champ Bailey, said he noticed immediately that this signing is going to make an impact, telling one reporter that “some guys create opportunities and some guys shy away from them, this guy is definitely a creator.” Although he worked out strictly as a cornerback here yesterday, it is expected that the Broncos will try God out at a few different positions, including quarterback, which seemed to upset Tebow a bit. “Me and God have a special relationship” said Tebow, “but if he’s going to try to take my spot on the depth chart, I will bury him!”
Posted on 16 December 2011 by bmar1127
Bridgeport, Connecticut - Today musician, John Mayer, became the latest inductee into the Poon Hall of Fame. Since 2002 when Mayer burst onto the scene with his song “No Such Thing” he has been romantically linked to numerous quality actresses and musicians. Keep in mind that when we say quality, we don’t mean that these womens’ movies and/or music is any good, we mean quality tail. Another thing to keep in mind is that when we say “romantically linked to” we mean Mayer more than likely just performed outrageous, unspeakable sexual acts on them and then left, because that’s what John Mayer does. The following is a list of some of Mayer’s rumored conquests:
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Some of these women, in an attempt to sound less whorish than some of them are, may deny they slept with Mayer, that they simply dated. Be that as it may, we will just go ahead and assume that Mayer had his way with them, because he’s JOHN FUCKING MAYER! Besides, Kesha just looks like a complete whore, so you know that one has to be true. And Taylor Swift even wrote a song about being hurt by Mayer. Of course, what relationship has Swift ever had that she didn’t write a fucking song about?! Oh, John Mayer hurt you? Well take a number, because that’s what John Mayer does! He crushes P and breaks hearts! What he doesn’t do is apologize for it. Nor should he. He’s out there brobanging alongside the likes of Ryan Reynolds! So congratulations to John Mayer on his induction. He becomes only the second member inducted so far, along with Scott Baio.
Posted on 14 December 2011 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana - Chris Paul has been traded from the Hornets to the Clippers, meaning he escapes the actual wasteland that is New Orleans and becomes part of what is just a basketball wasteland. In exchange for Paul, the Hornets will receive Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Aminu, and a first round pick – none of which matter. Along with Paul, the Clippers will receive two future second round picks. The deal is expected to be approved by the NBA’s buffoon of a commissioner, David Stern, who blocked a trade last week that would have sent Paul to the Lakers. Stern’s reason for doing so was that he Hornets were “better served with Chris in a Hornets uniform.” – Translation: “I am an absolutely terrible commissioner and should not have a job.” The citizens of New Orleans will almost certainly not be better served without Chris Paul, as his departure will probably make it even harder on them when they realize they live in a disgusting cesspool of a city. As for the Clippers, they are excited as they will now pair Paul with Blake Griffin. They are still expected to be the third best basketball team in Los Angeles behind the Lakers and the Raiders (who aren’t even there anymore AND don’t even play basketball.)
Posted on 08 December 2011 by bmar1127
Jackson, Mississippi – Amy Barkley has never had anything GIVEN to her….except for a new vehicle, home, clothing, and jewelry. This is why the 26 year old from Jackson, Mississippi says she, unlike many, is in the TRUE holiday spirit. “There are a lot of people who claim to know what this season is all about” she says, “But most of them are so concerned with getting gifts, that they don’t realize that it’s all about the love the lord gives us every day and the material things mean nothing…….Unless it’s a new pair of boots, or an iPhone, or some jewelry, or something like that.” Barkley says it just kills her when she’s on her way to a store to buy designer clothes with money that she did not work for, and she sees a homeless person asking for money or food. “My heart just goes out to them” she says as tears form in her eyes. “It’s just not fair, ya know? I mean, why can’t they just have someone buy them a house? Or at least buy them a new SUV? It’s just senseless that that no one does that!” Apparently, the topic makes Barkley so angry, that she has decided to do something about it this Christmas season. Barkley has begun selling her own furniture from her living room and says she will use the money she makes to help someone less fortunate this year. She first plans to buy an iPhone 4S even though she just purchased a brand new cell phone 10 months ago. Whatever is left after that purchase and the purchase of the new leather furniture she plans to buy for the living room, she plans to immediately go to the store and use the remainder for goods and clothing for a person in need. The only drawback to this plan, of course, is that after new furniture that she doesn’t need and the phone that she definitely doesn’t need, there will be no money left. As a matter of fact, she will likely owe money at that point. In which case, Barkley says she will simply get more money from everyone else in her family who actually works for theirs, and help others with that. So this Christmas, remember Amy Barkley and her message – Count your blessings. What really matters is the love that we are given, and material things mean nothing……unless it’s like a car, home, clothing, jewelry, iPhone, iPad, gift cards, furniture – other than that, it all comes from above.
Posted on 04 December 2011 by bmar1127
Baton Rouge, Louisiana – One of the most intensely debated topics in college football this season: Should it be Alabama or Oklahoma State getting the chance to play LSU in the BCS championship game? The answer: Alabama. The Crimson Tide were announced as the number two team in the final BCS polls and will now face the LSU Tigers in a rematch of their early November showdown. The title game will take place January 9th in New Orleans. Unfortunately, many loose ass bowls will take place before that. Here are a few that look to be especially shitty:
Wyoming vs Temple in the New Mexico Bowl
Florida International vs. Marshall in the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl
Ohio vs. Utah State in the ridiculously named Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
There are plenty more bowl games that promise to be extraordinarily loose, but we vomited just looking at them. One matchup that does look intriguing, however, is the Champs Sports Bowl featuring Notre Dame vs. Florida State. It should be noted that when we say that matchup looks intriguing, we mean if this were 1993 and not 2011. It appears that this year, one state will be more loosely represented than any other: Mississippi. The Bulldogs of Mississippi State will take on Wake Forest in the Music City Bowl in a loose ass matchup of 6-6 teams, meanwhile the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles will play in the Hawaii Bowl. USM is actually not bad at all, but the fact that they are being sent to Hawaii to play on Christmas Eve is extremely loose for their fans. How many of them are honestly going to be able to make that trip? So as bowl season is once again upon us, as we watch completely meaningless games such as Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego state in the New Orleans Bowl, let us realize that it is not that the teams or the schools are bad. It is that the people that select these bowls are clearly some of the loosest assholes ever.