Columbus, Ohio - Reports began to surface 2 weeks ago that Urban Meyer was about to become the new head football coach at Ohio State University. Meyer denied the reports almost immediately. Five days later, just before Thanksgiving, a report surfaced that Meyer had not only taken the job, but it also contained details of the contract that he had agreed to. Meyer again denied the report, saying that no job has been offered or even discussed, and that he would “be spending Thanksgiving with my family and not comment on the matter anymore.” The same family who, just a year ago, Meyer left the University of Florida because after a health scare he received, he saw the need to spend more time with. He then took a job as a commentator for ESPN that required him to spend less time with his family. Then comes the news earlier today on ESPN during one of their 27 daily broadcasts of Sportscenter where they discuss the same thing hour after hour after hour, that Meyer has officially accepted the offer to become the new Ohio State coach. Since the report, Urban Meyer’s attorney has called the report “premature” and Meyer once again denied the report. And in the last five minutes, Meyer has actually released a statement denying that he exists. In the statement, Meyer says that “I have not accepted the head coaching position at Ohio State University. How could I? I don’t exist.” When extremely puzzled reporters asked him that if he didn’t exist, how were they hearing him talk then, Meyer responded “You’re not, I’m not here…and if I’m not here, I can’t coach. These rumors are false!” Then one reporter actually walked up to Meyer, put his hand on his shoulder and asked how could he be touching him if he didn’t exist. Meyer responded by yelling and referring to himself in the third person “You don’t touch Urban Meyer! If I existed, I would smack you in the mouth! I’m out of here!”

Meyer then got into the backseat of a car and was dirven away as he screamed out the window “This is a ghost car! It’s just your imagination! Meanwhile, a news conference has been scheduled for 5 pm today in which Ohio State will announce their new football head coach….which will be Urban Meyer. So it appears that this “very serious” health scare he suffered while at Florida has magically disappeared (We believe the disease he actually did suffer from was not having Tim Tebow at QB anymore.) It also appears that the time he needed to spend with his family has…………alright, clearly the guy is just a liar.

Chicago, Illinois - The question had remained silent all season long: Will Brett Favre come out of retirement to play again? HAD remained silent, mind you. Because now, 11 weeks into the season, rumors have begun to spread about the gunslinger. And who is to blame for the rumors beginning? None other than the 42 year old former quarterback himself. It all began yesterday when it was announced that Chicago Bears QB, Jay Cutler, broke his thumb in the team’s game against the Chargers and could possibly be done for the rest of the season. The logical question was asked: would the Bears go after a free agent quarterback to replace Cutler? However, some asshole reporter in Chicago then felt the need to expand upon the question and ask if that free agent they go after might be Brett Favre. Reportedly, Favre, was actually watching the very station that the reporter was on as he posed the question (as he would later explain, he happened upon the channel by accident while surfing the television for softcore porn.) Favre immediately called in and answered the question directly, saying “I would love to play in Chicago. It’s such a great town..great food, great culture, lots of new women for me to send pictures of my dick to.” Of course, Favre is no stranger to Chicago, making the annual trip to the city to play the Bears for the 16 years he spent as a member of the rival Green Bay Packers. “It’s no secret that we were extremely bitter rivals, of course,” said Favre. “But what may be a secret is that I was friends with so many guys from those Bears teams. But what’s not a secret to many many many women in that city is my dong!” In fact, Favre says he estimates that he probably texted pictures of his flaccid penis to 75-80 women in the Chicago area during those trips the Packers made to Chicago. He also says another 40 or so received dong pictures via regular mail, as texting was not around during the earlier years of his career. Could he soon be sending those unwanted pictures to unsuspecting girls as a member of the Bears? We will have to wait and see. But one thing is clear: Favre dong watch 2011 is officially on. And if it were to indeed happen, Favre said he learned his lesson from last year and that he knows now that he needs to “at least swing it around in the air a little bit, kind of like a helicopter, so that it will appear a little bit bigger when I send it.”

Oxford, Mississippi – In what has to be a first in college football, several players from Ole Miss have actually REQUESTED that their coach, Houston Nutt, suspend them for Saturday’s game against number one ranked LSU. Word began to leak this morning that the entire offense went to Nutt’s office and pleaded wtih him to announce that they are suspended for 1 game due to “team violations.” Second string quarterback, Zack Stoudt will actually be starting the LSU game due to a suspension earlier this week of the teams regular starter, Randall Mackey. “That son of a bitch found a way to get out of it” Stoudt said of Mackey, referring to the absolute raping that they are sure to suffer at the hands of the Tigers. He continued “You think we want to play against this LSU defense?! Hell no! You’ve seen them play, right? And I assume you’ve seen our offense play as well. Well, we’re not fans of getting our heads ripped off… And I mean that literally… There is a good chance that if we go out there against THAT defense, we will actually get killed. So we called a team meeting last night for the offensive players and we all decided that if he (Mackey) can get out of this by getting suspended, then we sure as hell can too!” So far, it is not clear if Nutt will actually grant the players their requests, and if so, what the made up violations will be. One can’t help but think Nutt likely doesn’t really give a shit since the team is currently 2-8 on the season, has lost 12 consecutive SEC games, and he has already been fired effective at the end of the season. When asked if the defensive unit will also be requesting suspensions against LSU, freshman receiver, Nickolas Brassell – one of the few bright spots for the Rebels this season – responded “I don’t really care! Our defense is awful, so maybe they should play..That way, when they go out there and get killed, we can start all over! Look, the name of the team is the Tigers, that isn’t supposed to be mean I go out there and get my dick ripped off like I’m facing a REAL tiger! I didn’t sign up for that shit!”

Jackson, Mississippi – Mississippians took to the polls yesterday to cast their vote one way or the other on a topic that has caused a great deal of controversy in the state in recent weeks. Initiative 26, or, the Personhood amendment, would basically make abortion illegal in the state. The issue was not that easily explained, however, as many were confused by the vague wording of the initiative, which asked “Should the term “person” be defined to include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning or the equivalent thereof?” If passed, abortion would have been made illegal with no exceptions, i.e. rape, incest, or risk to the mother’s health. The results of the vote showed a rare case of Mississippians not simply voting whichever way their preacher or other members of their church tell them to. Many of them, however, did exactly that. And you can’t fault them for that – Why waste valuable time forming your own opinion when you can just have a man stand behind a podium and tell you how to think? The results of the vote were disappointing to many who strongly believe that they should be able to control what a random woman who they have never met does with her body. Many of them were not only disappointed, but outraged, with one woman telling us that “It’s a shame that some woman who I have never met and could therefore care less about might decide to have an abortion. That’s a child, you know?! I mean, yeah, she may have been raped or if she were to have the child, it could create serious complications for that woman’s health, but that’s a child! You’ve had your time! Now it’s that child’s time. And how dare they tell me that I can’t make this choice for that person I have absolutely nothing to do with!”

The results of the vote are likely to cause a bit of friction among citizens throughout the state as proponents of the measure are clearly angry while many of those who were opposed have reportedly begun getting some celebratory abortions.

Oxford, Mississippi – After four years with the team, Ole Miss head football coach, Houston Nutt, has been fired. Of course, reports tell us he will resign, but that’s just talk for the morons that will believe it. He will, however, coach the last three meaningless games Ole Miss has remaining on their schedule this season (one of which will be a raping by LSU.) Nutt came to Ole Miss in late 2007 after coaching for 10 years at the University of Arkansas. His first 2 seasons in Oxford produced back to back Cotton Bowl wins for the Rebels/Black Bears/Whatever the fuck they are now, but in the last two seasons his team is a combined 2-15, including twelve consecutive losses in the SEC. The downfall began last season when the team lost the season opener to Jacksonville State and seemingly never recovered. It was a downward spiral that none of the over-priviledged, rich, snobby supporters of the school saw coming, as many of them over the off season had delusional thoughts of an SEC championship run. However, the Ole Miss students and alumni did not get the chance to drive their BMWs that their fathers bought them to Atlanta for an SEC title game, as they instead finished the season 4-8. It was certainly a blow to the fan base with such expectations, for no SEC title game and no bowl game meant one less game that they would get to put on their polos, pop their collars, and cheer for their Rebels in between conversations about which model BMW their father was about to buy them. One less game for the girls to wear their dresses and guys to put on their khaki pants and ties and pretend that is the ONLY attire one should wear to a football game and if you’re wearing anything else, you should just kill yourself. This season has been equally disappointing for the stuck up fan base, as the team has won only 2 of their first 9 games, giving them little reason to yell “Hotty Toddy”, which serves both as an Ole Miss cheer AND as the perfect way of showing that you are a complete asshole. The Ole Miss football team was the perfect place for assholes with Houston Nutt in charge, as it didn’t matter if you did things like steal a dead girl’s credit card and use it. If you could play football, Nutt wanted you, because as the coach who might as well be a car salesman said, he was in “the people helping business.”

Do not feel bad for Houston Nutt, however. Ole Miss must now pay him a reported $6 million dollars to buy out the remainder of his contract. With him goes the school Athletic Director, Pete Boone, who says he step down by the end of 2012 – And by step down, he means being run off because he is just an awful athletic director and more than likely, an awful person.