Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – One week after leaving a game against the Falcons with a concussion, Michael Vick was forced to leave today’s game with an injury yet again. This time, it was a broken hand. The injury was suffered in the third quarter when the quarterback was hit by Giants defensive tackle, Chris Canty. The dog murdering QB claims that it was a late hit that was never called. “Every time I throw the ball, I’m on the ground” Vick said after the game. “And I don’t know why I don’t get the 15-yard flags like everybody else does.” Vick has a point, as we have seen other quarterbacks such as Tom Brady and Peyton Manning get the calls in similar situations. However, those men have also never electrocuted a dog. Nor have they held a dogs head under water and beat him. After the game, Vick made his feelings known about the late hits he feels he’s been taking, saying ”I was trying to protect myself, still didn’t get a flag and that’s pretty much been the story for the last three weeks. I mean, obviously at some point something catastrophic is going to happen and I broke my hand.” And catastrophic it is…. Catastrophic that he only broke his hand and not his neck. The season is still young, however. And given the frequency with which Vick gets injured, we can still keep our fingers crossed, as we have 13 more chances to see him hopefully fracture his spinal cord. The Eagles will perform a CT scan on Monday. Vick did, however, find one positive about the injury, saying that since the injury is to his right hand, he will still have his left hand free to murder dogs.

Hollywood, California – Former teen heartthrob and star of such shows as Joani Loves Chachi and Charles In Charge, Scott Baio was inducted into the poon hall of fame earlier today…on the same day he celebrates his 51st birthday. How is that for a great day?! The Brooklyn born actor made his debut in the 1976 film, “Bugsy Malone” at the age of 16. One year later, he appeared on the television show, Happy Days, and has been crushing quality poon on a regular basis ever since. Some may question if Baio deserves the induction, however. And though his career has all but died and the quality of women have dwindled, the Scott Baio name itself still has many women falling victim to the actor’s sexual conquests. These days, it’s clearly more about quantity than quality for Baio, but in his prime, he was hard to beat. Look at this way – how many other people could talk a women into a brobang that involved a guy like Willie Aames? Need more proof? The following is a list of women that Baio has been linked to in the past:

• Brooke Shields
• Heather Locklear
• Nicolette Sheridan
• Nicole Eggert
• Beverly D’Angelo
• Pamela Anderson
• Denise Richards

And make no mistake about it – when we say Baio has been linked to them, we mean he had sex with them – more than likely casual, unprotected, angry, disrespectful sex. So congratulations, Scott Baio! You are the first inductee into the Poon Hall of Fame….and on your birthday, no less!

Palo Alto, California – As if the United States was not already facing enough problems, a new one has presented itself seemingly out of nowhere. For a country already facing a poor economy, high unemployment rates, a weak housing market, rising gas prices, and an generally everything else that can ever go wrong with a country, comes a new crisis that could have dire consequences: The new layout of Facebook. It is a problem that has millions of American citizens in a panic. The worst part is this latest crisis was not a slow building one like the economy. This new layout came crashing down on us seemingly all at once. There actually was warning of this move, but it was merely days ahead of time, and even after reading it, no one could have predicted the possibly catastrophic impact it would have on our great nation. Users now have to click on an extra tab to update their status, the way you view friends’s status is slightly modified, lists have appeared to where users can add people depending on if they live in the same hometown or attended the same high school, etc. How dare the people at Facebook do this! What gives them the right to make these minor changes to a service that is offered free to the public?! Should we as Americans be forced to put up with such extremely minor inconveniences?! You can bet that all of these questions will be asked of all the upcoming presidential candidates and with election season rapidly approaching, they better be prepared with some serious solutions. Rumors are that Texas governor, Rick Perry, has already drawn up a 32 step plan to reduce this new Facebook layout by 40 percent in the next 7 years. President Barack Obama has called a special news conference for tomorrow night where he will address the nation and reveal his plan of attack against this potentially crippling new problem that America faces. So far it appears that it is a problem that most Americans, be it rich, poor, Republican, or Democrat, are united about. For once, there are no politics or religion involved in this one. There are no concerns of the aforementioned poor economy, high unemployment rates, weak housing market, rising gas prices, and issues of parents struggling to provide for their children. This is about something much more than all of that! This is about Facebook moderately changing something and forcing us to take up to 6 minutes to get used to it! America appears to be standing up together, as one, and proudly showing that if you mess with one of our Facebook layouts, then you mess with all of our Facebook layouts! The United States may be down lately, but we are definitely not out. When we have a message, it will still be heard clearly by the rest of the world, and that message is that we have sacrificed enough and that we may be poor, we may be starving, we may not be able to afford gas, clothing, or mortgages, but when it comes to our Facebook layout, we will NOT sacrifice that!

Oxford, Mississippi – After three laughable quarterback performances to open the season, Ole Miss head coach, Houston Nutt, announced this morning that there will be a new player starting at the position next week as the team takes on the Georgia Bulldogs. “We’ll be starting a plumber next week at QB, everybody” Nutt said as he opened his press conference. “He’s been with us for a while now. He hasn’t played in a pretty long time, but it can’t get much worse than the assholes we got out there now.” The announcement left fans scratching their heads as they searched through their media guides for anyone with the last name Plumber currently on the roster. This player, however, will not be found in any media guide as, until the moment of Nutt’s press conference, this person was not even a player. Nutt did not actually mean a man by the name of Plumber, he meant that the Rebels..or blackbears…or whatever the hell they call themselves… are actually playing a plumber who has often fixed toilets and sinks at the school. The man’s name is Fred Davis and has been a plumber in the Oxford area for over eight years. “I think this is a good move for this team” said Nutt. Fred’s got a lot of experience at flushing turds down the drain, and you look at our current quarterbacks…Barry Brunetti, Zack Stoudt, Randall Mackey…bunch of turds that need flushing. This is going to be a positive for this team to help us build on the rest of the season.” The immediate reaction of the fans appeared to be panic upon the announcement of the new quarterback who is not actually a quarterback. After a little investigating, however, it appears Davis actually does have experience at the position, as he quarterbacked his 7th grade team to state runner up in 1998, just before he dropped out of junior high school….however, he has not thrown a football since that time. He then received his GED on his fourth try in 2003 then learned his current trade as a plumber. Although expectations will certainly not be very high, Davis admitted that he will still feel pressure to perform well for the Rebels. As well he should, as for the last 7 years, the Rebels (sorry, Blackbears) have treated their quarterbacks like they were going to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, i.e. Brent Shaeffer, Jevan Snead, and Jeremiah Masoli. And in an ironic twist, all of these men will soon be looking to the new Rebels QB for training on how to be a plumber, as that is how well their football “careers” have worked out for them. But Fred Davis is not looking at the past, he focuses now on the future and this week against Georgia, because as he tells us, “I know how I have to perform this week. I must be flawless, because I know this opportunity could be gone just as fast as it came….seriously, I know that because word is that coach Nutt already has his eye on a local pizza delivery guy to come in and take some snaps next week.”

Tripoli, Libya – Long time leader of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi, released a statement today vowing to press ahead with his resistance. “We will not be ruled after we were the masters” the statement said.”We will not hand Libya to colonialism, once again, as the traitors want.” The statements are interesting, as they clearly display that Gaddafi has abandoned the usual techniques used by leaders in any battle, and has begun utilyzing the “Monty Python” tactic, which has actually never been seen in real life before. This method comes from the scene in the movie “Monty Python and The Holy Grail” where in battle, a knight gets his arm cut off and famously replies “tis but a scratch” and when told “your arm’s off,” the knight then replies “no, it isn’t.” And now it appears Gaddafi is using this same tactic as the knight, completely denying the obvious. The former leader of Libya, who looks like an odd cross between Charles Bronson and a lion, still cannot be found but insists he still rules Libya. Large numbers of his troops have been taken out, but Gaddafi says it is untrue. So with his regime in such bad shape, that it has forced him into hiding and with so many of the people that are fighting for him killed, Gaddafi continues to believe that he can and fight against “the coup” as he says. This maneuver is also seen in later in the knights battle in “The Holy Grail” when the knight has had both arms and a leg cut off and still exclaims “I’m invincible!” Very clever tactic indeed, Muammar Gaddafi, utilyzing a battle tactic that has only been seen in a comedy and never in real life because….well, it just couldn’t happen. We’ll just have to wait and see how this method plays out for the long time socialist dictator. Our guess is not very well for Gaddafi….but probably just as funny

College Station, Texas - It is now official. SEC presidents have unanimously voted to accept Texas A&M as a new member of their conference. The news comes less than a month after those same school presidents voted against accepting the Aggies. Quite a dramatic change in opinions from the presidents, but then again, shady under the table money will change a lot of minds. That’s not to say that the presidents of the SEC schools who made this decision accepted bribes, but….they did. This one move is now expected to send waves of change across the college football landscape.

What does it mean for Texas A&M?

• They will be able to step out of the shadow of the University of Texas, their most hated rival who they competed with, and lost to, many many many many times not only on the field, but in recruiting. Of course, they will now be stepping into the shadow of teams like LSU, Alabama, and Florida – teams the Aggies will now begin losing to instead of Texas.

What does it mean for the SEC?

• Having the Texas A&M name in their conference roster will help the SEC tremendously…. Wait a minute, I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about Texas. The A&M name? No, that does absolutely nothing. Nothing like having the Longhorns would do.

What does it mean for other conferences?

• The notion that college football will soon be heading to 3 or 4 “super conferences” continues to pick up steam with this move. Rumors are now floating around ,once again, that Texas and Oklahoma may now leave the Big 12 to join the Pac 12 – which would eventually move to the Pac 16. The SEC would likely then respond by expanding to 16 as well, likely followed by the Big 10.

And finally, there is one group that this move by Texas A&M will affect that no one has even mentioned – children.

How will this affect children?

• This is perhaps the most important part of this entire process. In this move, Texas A&M (whether they know it or not) are teaching children a very important lesson. Remember, this all started because Texas A&M was upset about Texas creating The Longhorn Network. The Aggies whined, cried, bitched, and moaned for over a year about how unfair it was and how the University of Texas would be at a greater advantage because of the network. This is what led to Texas A&M wanting to leave the Big 12 in the first place. They could have just created the Aggie Network, but apparently they have common sense and realized that NOBODY would buy that, so they said “we want to join the SEC” – editors note: when reading that quote, read it in a spoiled brat voice to give yourself the full affect of what Texas A&M sounds like. But in the end, the Aggies got what they wanted: membership in the SEC. And in doing so, they are actually teaching children an extremely valuable lesson they can use for the rest of their lives – BE A WHINY BITCH AND YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT

College Park, Maryland – The good news is that the Maryland Terrapins won their season opener last night against Miami. The bad news is that the team has just received word from the NCAA that they will be given the death penalty because of the horrendous new uniforms they wore during the win. The uniforms featured the colors of the state flag of Maryland on the helmet and parts of the jerseys. New head coach, Randy Edsall, said that the uniforms are called “Maryland pride” and designed to “bring everyone in the state together and make them feel a part of the new brand of Maryland football.” He has been fired for clearly displaying a lack of instituional control for allowing the team to wear these things. It also appears that the opposite their goal of bringing the state together has actually happened as reports have just surfaced that the state of Maryland’s population has just dwindled by 8 percent due to people wanting to distance themselves from these uniforms. The Terrapins next game was scheduled for September 17th against West Virginia, but it appears that game, with all remaining games, will not be happening. This is the first time since NCAA has given a football team the death penalty since 1987 when the punishment was given to SMU. Also as a punishment, the president of the university, Wallace D. Loh, as well as the schools athletic director, Kevin Anderson, have both received the death penalty….that is the literal death penalty. They are both scheduled to be killed for giving the uniforms approval. The NCAA has also released a statement saying they are now on their way to Athens to speak with University of Georgia officials about the abortion of a uniform they allowed the team to wear Saturday night against Boise State

Detroit, Michigan – With the national unemployment rate at 9.1 percent and fresh off last weeks news that zero jobs were added in this country last month, President Obama was in Detroit to deliver his Labor Day speech – I mean, Lack of Labor Day Speech. The speech comes just 3 days before the president is set to deliver his speech on the economy and how to restore it. It is also just 3 days until nobody watches that speech because he has chosen to deliver it at the same time as the first NFL game of the season. But for today, Obama had the attention of the crowd in Detroit. The misguided crowd who foolishly chanted “4 more years” when he spoke. The president assured them that even though the country is going through hard times, that we have been through hard times before, and that he is not worried (mainly because he gets paid over $400,000 a year and has to pay for very little.) President Obama didn’t speak much about his speech on Thursday, as to not give anything away, telling the crowd he wants them to tune in to listen. Much of what Obama DID say was about having confidence in our nation (for some reason.) He said he opposes the neysayers and those who always say “no we can’t”, to which the moronic crowd shouted “yes we can”, which was Obama’s campaign slogan in 2008. Three unfortunate years later, as we stand on the brink of financial ruin as a nation, let us listen to Obama’s words from his speech today, let us tune in Thursday to his speech (unless the Packers/Saints game is good.) Let us take pride in our work (although no one really has any work) It’s not our job to say our situation is Obama’s fault. It may be, it may not be, but it almost certainly IS. But today, let us not place blame. Let’s just celebrate this Lack of Labor Day with the usual cookouts (wait, we don’t have money for that), family vacations (sorry, can’t afford those either), or just take it easy on a rare day off from work (pretty much a normal Monday) During these hard times, let us just remember that Obama makes more than $400,000 per year, has a personal chef, doesn’t pay for meals, and has his travel and vacations paid for. And if a man like that says he’s not worried about our country facing hard times, then why should we? Happy Lack of Labor Day everybody!

Nashville, Tennessee – Titans running back, Chris Johnson, ended his holdout today when he agreed to a 4 year/53.5 million dollar contract extension, making him the highest paid running back in the NFL. The deal also includes $30 million guaranteed. Finally?! Right? At least he can now afford to feed his family! Johnson was going to make ONLY $1.065 million this upcoming season, barely enough to purchase two extravagant homes, an extremely high performance car, and some rare jewelry. So hopefully, you were praying for the NFL superstar during these difficult times, at least Johnson thinks you should have been, according to his Twitter. “I like to thank everyone who have me in their prayers thru my situation, it’s much needed” he tweeted yesterday. Don’t judge him on the fact that he clearly has no grasp on the concept of word usage, grammar, and the English language in general. Just know that he needed you to be praying for him through this entire “situation.” And shame on you if you weren’t! This “situation” was dire! I mean, what was happening in the world that should have warranted being in your prayers? Victims of the recent hurricane that tore through Eastern part of the United States? The numerous Americans who have lost their jobs, homes, savings, and even families? I think not! Not when Chris Johnson was only going to make $1.065 million this season! And some even had the nerve to call him greedy, which he responded to on Twitter by telling the “fake titan fans” to “STFU” and “i don’t have a regular job dont compare me to you and I can care less if uthink I’m greedy.” He then clarified his statements by once again butchering the English language, typing “if you was real fan my tweet would not bother you” and “I’m not call the titan fans fake at all.” Hopefully, this will all be settled now as Chris Johnson will now receive a very reasonable sum of $30 million guaranteed, will show up at training camp, and perhaps take a few English courses to learn how to spell, use proper grammar, and basically just talk like a human being. So for now, if you have not been already, keep Johnson in your prayers. God knows he deserves it (according to him.) We here at Ridicularity certainly will, as we would just like to say congratulations, Chris Johnson…you god damn mouth breathing idiot! You may be an insult to human life, but you finally got your new contract!