College Station, Texas – Earlier today, Texas A&M officially announced that they will be leaving the Big 12. This move comes after whining for months about the University of Texas and their new Longhorn Network. The Aggies feel that the Network provides many unfair advantages to the University of Texas, such as the ability to air Big 12 games and high school games. There is also the fear that Texas can use this in recruiting over the Aggies by being able to offer the chance to be seen playing on the Network. These concerns have continued to grow and have now resulted in Texas A&M completely disassociating themselves with the conference they have shared with the Longhorns. The cry baby threats actually began in July when a report that Texas A&M would be leaving to join the SEC surfaced. The SEC held a meeting of school presidents, however, that produced the decision that the conference was not ready to accept the Aggies at this time. The crying continued out of college station after that, however, and now the Aggies’ tears have turned to anger, much like the spoiled little child who got mad at their big brother during a football game, so they just took their football and left. Speculation does continue, however, that the Aggies may now end up being rewarded for their whining by getting what they wanted all along – an invitation to the SEC. We do want to point out that is just speculation right now, we don’t want to be mistaken for ESPN and report stories that aren’t true, much like the network did when they reported on a Saturday that Texas A&M would definitely be joining the SEC, but then on Sunday, the SEC agreed that it would not be happening. However, if the speculation is true, the Aggies stand to make a lot of money to dry their tears with. For now, we will wait and see what conference they land in, but for now it appears that Texas A&M has gotten what they wanted and have been rewarded for all of their hard work – and by hard work, we mean whining. Are you familiar with the situation where a mother takes her child into a store, the child whines and cries for a toy, and the mother just gets so tired of the crying, she just gets the child the toy they want so they will shut up? Texas A&M is now clearly very familiar with this scenario.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Early last evening, Michael Vick agreed to a brand brand new 6 year/100 million dollar contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. The deal comes off the heels of Vick’s most productive season ever, prompting the team to waste no time in making the dog killer one of the highest paid quarterbacks in the NFL. Vick threw for a career high 21 touchdowns last season and ran for almost 700 yards, making him a double threat. When you factor in the fact that there is also the threat that he could decide to murder a dog at any moment, the QB is actually a triple threat. Philadelphia fans must keep in mind, however, that Vick did not even play an entire season last year, so might he have run out of gas if he had? The fact is that Vick has spent more time hanging, drowning, and electrocuting dogs than he spent on the field last season. But for now, those in the Eagles organization aren’t asking themselves any what ifs, they are looking ahead to this season with great expectations as they now have their superstar quarterback in place for the next six years. Ok, so maybe six years is a bit much when you factor in the fact that Vick WILL get injured at some point this season – and if there is any justice in the world, it will be a terribly gruesome injury, hopefully career ending. It also would not be the worst thing in the world if it happened to be life threatening as well. But that is all just a glimpse into a hopeful future as the Eagles get ready to open their season September 11 against the St. Louis Rams and Vick hopes to build upon his success last season – although that “success” does include throwing an interception that ended their season against the Packers in the playoffs. So if that’s the kind of success Vick looks forward to, then we wish it for him as well – you know, that and the whole gruesome injury thing – we REALLY REALLY hope that happens too. So congratulations are in order for Vick, as he has fought hard to earn this new contract – as opposed to the poor dogs who could not fight to defend themselves against him murdering them. It is truly a terrific comeback story that should always serve as a reminder to us all that if we work hard, set up illegal dog fighting rings in our backyard, and then once those dogs have fought each other and are too tired, weak, and injured to defend themselves and we kill them in the most gruesome ways possible, then we too can be rich and successful.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana – LSU quarterback, Jordan Jefferson, was arrested earlier today on charges of 2nd degree battery for his role in a bar fight last weekend, where he is said to have kicked a man in the face. Other LSU players were involved in the fight as well, but none of them more overrated than Jefferson. The QB has, of course, been suspended indefinitely from the team, which is the least of the mediocre quarterback’s problems considering he is now facing significant jail time for the felony charge. Many LSU fans had high hopes for the senior to emerge this season as one of the best quarterbacks in the SEC despite the fact that they have had the same hopes for the past two seasons and he has only thrown for a combined 24 touchdowns and 17 interceptions. Players, coaches, and fans of LSU have stuck by him, however, and convinced themselves that he has the potential to greatly improve upon those numbers. Deep down, players and coaches know better, though the same cannot be said for most of the Tigers’ rude, obnoxious, irrational, drunken fan base.

The Tigers will now turn to senior quarterback, Jarrett Lee, whose career passing numbers include 17 touchdowns along with 18 interceptions. Though the numbers are almost as unimpressive as Jefferson’s, Lee does hold a clear advantage of being a much more intelligent and civilized human being than the over hyped, over priviledged, waste of a roster spot starter. The advantage Jefferson did have was his running ability, which is a threat that will no doubt be missed by Les Miles. The head coach, so far, does not appear too concerned, saying that he “has confidence in Jarrett Lee’s ability” while at the same time acknowledging that he “sure hopes that the charges against Jordan Jefferson will be just like his career: EXTREMELY overrated.”

New York, New York - A new study from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University says that the use of social networking sites could lead to teenagers drinking and using drugs. Joseph Califano, of the CASA, says that the reasoning behind the findings is that teenagers are seeing pictures on sites like Facebook and Twitter of other kids drunk, passed out, and doing drugs. He says that seeing these images repeatedly will eventually take the shock value out of things that should be shocking to kids, thus making it seem acceptable to them. Harsh Trivedi, a doctor at Vanderbilt’s psychiatric hospital, agrees, explaining “You look to your peer group really as a way to figure out what’s normal, what’s abnormal, and the more that you see these images, it just becomes more so what’s normal in other kids your age.” The study also shows that children who visit sites like Facebook and Twitter every day are more likely to smoke, drink, and use drugs than kids whose friendships are exclusively offline.

An even newer study, which was conducted by the Center for Common Sense, has found that if you agree with the results of the study, then you are a complete fucking moron. The CCS also concluded that if you believe the theory that a website like Facebook or Twitter is going to make a kid use drugs, then you should just give up on life, as you clearly have no business among the living. It also recommends that any parents who read the findings of the study and believe them to be true should immediately put their children up for adoption or let them go live with family members, as you are clearly mentally unfit to raise a child.

So as the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has no doubt already sent parents into a panic trying to restrict, regulate, and completely block social netwoking sites from their children’s computers, we suggest you just use a little bit of COMMON FUCKING SENSE! Perhaps talk to your kids about drinking and drug use. We know it’s a novel fucking concept actually talking to your own children, but just for the hell of it, give it a try. That is, of course, unless your goal is to have your kid end up a maladjusted freak who starts a shitty rock band like Slipknot, Mudvayne, Three Days Grace, etc., and constantly writes about how much they hate the world because daddy wasn’t there for them….. Hey, we all have different dreams for our kids, right?

Pearl, Mississippi - It is once again time for students across the country to begin college, an experience that can prove to be exciting for some and terrifying for others. Just remember what your parents have more than likely been telling you for years – things like “college was the time of my life” and “Don’t cheat yourself out of the college experience.” Listen to them….just this once though, and then never ever again…..EVER! Sure, these are the same people that busted you for enjoying that sweet weed that your friend scored and brought over that Friday night, and then there’s that time they totally ruined everything when you were about to bang that chick, but they walked in your room and screwed everything up. They didn’t even knock! That chick was a sophomore, man, and you were only a freshman! You could have been a legend! But for now, just forget about them killing your buzz, forget about them cock blocking you, and remember their words – and don’t cheat yourself out of the college experience. But you might think “oh I’m not smart enough to go to college.” Well, you’re probably right, but don’t worry, there is community college. Community colleges have become a very popular choice for recent high school graduates and hold many benefits over going directly to a 4 year university…………

Well, we couldn’t think of any of those benefits, but there are still many things to enjoy about community college:

• Lower standards – Let’s face it, these people will take anybody, and that could definitely be a plus for you. Maybe you didn’t quite meet the academic standards of that university you wanted to go too. Big deal! Look at all the football meat heads to can’t make it into the school they signed with. They go to community college and 2 years later, they’re in the university! Of course, you’re screwed if you can’t run a 4.4  40 yard dash
• A vast student common area – Well, it’s really more of a small area of concrete where there may or may not be a bench, but hey, there will easily be enough room for you and 7 other people to talk (although chances are you won’t know 7 other people because most of your friends probably went off to real college)
• Beautiful scenery designed to stimulate young minds – Actually, there will probably just be a couple parking lots, but there may be some small trees in the middle, so that’s cool.
• The same opportunity as people at “those big schools” – Again, sorry. Your 2 year associates degree will more than likely get you a job testing cough medicine that has yet to be approved by the FDA

So please, listen to your parents (even though you vowed that someday they will pay for that time they came home early from their trip and grounded you for breaking into their liquor cabinet. How the hell else were the people at the party you were throwing supposed to get drunk?! That was pretty fucking lame of them, bro!) But if you aren’t going to listen to them, then please listen to us here at Ridicularity.com when we tell you to not deny yourself the full community college experience. If you do, the decision will haunt you for the next 50 to 60 seconds of your life!

Oakland, California – Terrelle Pryor’s NFL career is over less than 30 minutes after it began. The former Ohio State quarterback was selected by the Oakland Raiders in the third round of today’s NFL supplemental draft. The pick comes just days after Pryor learned that he would even be eligible for the draft. On Friday, Pryor told the media that he would immediately sign with any team that drafted him and contribute in any way possible to help that team. However, at the time he made the statement, he didn’t really consider that the Raiders were a possible destination. That is why he informed his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, to alert the Raiders that he has decided to retire a mere 20 minutes after being drafted. Some may call it crazy, but this is actually the best decision Pryor has ever made in his life, and here are two very important reasons why:

1. Money – He probably made enough of it while playing at Ohio State to last him a while. Sorry…he “allegedly” made money while playing at Ohio State. So in this case, allegedly means definitely

2. The Raiders – Where to begin? First of all, everyone knows that in the NFL, Oakland is where you go to die. And speaking of dying, they have an owner, Al Davis, who actually died 8 years ago but still operates as the head decision maker for the team. So that means Pryor would have been working for a zombie, and no one wants to work for a zombie. Zombies make terrible business decisions (which explains JaMarcus Russell, Darrius Heyward Bey, and many other questionable choices Davis has made)

So what at first seemed like a bizarre decision by Pryor, is actually the best decision he could have made. Of course, Drew Rosenhaus doesn’t think so, but buckets of slime don’t get paid to think, now do they?

Bristol, Connecticut - Saturday morning, the words “Texas A&M to join SEC” scrolled across the bottom line on all of ESPN’s programming. The story first surfaced last summer with the rumors that they, along with Texas and Oklahoma, may indeed join other conferences, thus destroying the Big 12. Eventually, everything went back to normal and the Big 12 was still intact. But after those rumors, it was easy to believe the story this past weekend popping back up. The University of Texas has formed their own “Longhorn Network” and apparently, A&M is angry because of it. So much so, that they apparently wish to jump ship from the conference they share with the Longhorns. Setting aside the fact that Texas A&M sounds like a bunch of children crying to their mother after their big brother did something they didn’t like, the real issue here is that of ESPN reporting the story of A&M moving to the SEC as if it were FACT. The words again were “Texas A&M to join SEC.” Not “MAY join SEC” or “in talks with SEC” but “Texas A&M to join SEC.” And the words were reported 24 HOURS BEFORE THE SEC PRESIDENTS EVEN GATHERED TO DISCUSS THE MOVE! Once the discussion was actually held, the decision was basically a thanks, but no thanks, stating that they are happy with the current 12 team alignment, but “would not rule out future expansion.” So now the debate continues on whether or not Texas A&M will leave the Big 12 and if so, where to? And just to remind you, the reason they want to leave is because they are upset because the University of Texas has created their own “Longhorn Network.” Common sense would say that if you are angry about Texas creating the Longhorn network, then go create your own “Aggie Network.” Of course, common sense there tells us that no one would buy it…..seriously, no one would buy that! But perhaps the even bigger debate is now we are left to wonder if ESPN is getting into the fake news business. After reporting a story to be fact 24 hours before there was even a meeting about it, we have to assume that perhaps they are. But perhaps they should just leave that up to us and continue to do what they do best: show the exact same episode of Sportscenter twelve times a day. And if by reporting that story that didn’t actually happen, the weren’t actually trying to get into the fake news business, well then that is just bad reporting. And in that case, they would be no better than The Clarion Ledger, a second rate newspaper in Mississippi that is just awful.

Hattiesburg, Mississippi – Recently, logos of college football teams have become somewhat of an issue. We’ve seen such issues at Florida, Florida State, and others recently. The latest – the University of Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles and the Iowa Hawkeyes. Last week, Southern Mississippi’s trademark application was denied by judges in the United States Patent and Trademark Office. The judges ruling agreed with Iowa’s claim that there would be the likelihood of confusion in merchandise sales between the two schools. The logos for both schools can be seen at the top of this article. After looking at the two logos side by side very carefully, it is clear to see that they are indeed extremely similar to each other….if you are cross eyed or suffer from glaucoma. One can also see immediately the judge’s point that there is a likelihood of confusion in merchandise sales…..if the individual purchasing that merchandise is a complete fucking moron. The decision is good news for fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes – who are clearly NOT fans of logic or geography. Logic tells us that chances are there would not be a great demand for USM merchandise in Iowa City, Iowa, nor would there be such demand for Iowa merchandise in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Why? Because geography tells us they are over 800 MILES APART! Whew, really dodged a bullet there, fans! Southern Mississippi is expected to appeal the decision, but ultimately, none of this will really matter because both schools are unfortunately stuck in conferences that just do not matter. Iowa, belonging to the Big 10, a BCS conference, has a little better chance…but come on, it’s Iowa! And Southern Mississippi, a member of the Conference USA…well, we all know what a joke that conference is!