Cupertino, California - Apple officially has more money that the United States federal government, so says a report that surfaced earlier today. The report stated that while the treasury department has $73.7 billion in reserve cash, the computer company has $76.4 billion. After this information went public, Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, held a press conference to announce that he will be running for president in 2012. Below is a transcript of the press conference:

“Hello everybody. The first thing I would like to do today is to invite President Barack Obama to suck it! I say that with no due respect whatsoever. I invented the iPhone, bitch! What have you invented? My company has more money that the entire country? How does that taste? Look, I roll out the same product year after year and tell people it’s new each time, and do you know what happens? They buy the hell out of it! Hell, I’ve come out with 27 different versions of the iPod…they all pretty much do the same thing! You’ve gotta ask yourself who would make a better president… a guy who invented the iPhone…or a guy who did not? I invented the iPhone! America needs someone who knows how to save this country money. I am that man. Hell, I only own one outfit – a pair of jeans and a black turtleneck. I just wear them all the time. Boom! Tons of savings! And guess what else…I invented the iPad. Heard of it? Now, I dont mean to just keep mentioning great things that I’ve invented, which, I’m not sure if I told you, but I invtented the iPhone….I mean, come on! The iPhone?! Forget about it! Our last presidential election, we were fooled by promises of “yes we can.” Now, I can respect the message that we, as Americans, can do many things, because as they say, there’s no I in team. And that’s what we are, America, one big team. But you know what does have an i? iPhone! I invented it!!! So, I, Steve Jobs, remind you that the days of “yes we can” are over. As we now move toward the elction, remember the official slogan of the Steve Jobs campaign: iGot This! Thank you everybody. iLove you all!”

Pearl, Mississippi – Luke Woodham was a portly kid that nobody liked and probably smelled funny who shot and killed his mother and two students at his high school in Pearl, Mississippi in 1997. His reason: because he was upset his girlfriend left him – yeah, that’s how we deal with things, right? He received three life sentences plus seven 20 year sentences for each case of aggravated assault. Now, 13 years into his sentence, he is requesting clemency from the state, saying that “he wants the chance to live the new life God has given him.” Perhaps instead of shooting at innocent people at a school, he should have just calmed the fuck down and continued attending that school, because he clearly never learned any math skills. You’re serving not one, not two, but three life sentences plus additional time on top of it, and you want out after 13 years?! Clearly your math is flawed! Also flawed is….well, everything about the guy. Look at the picture above. We have always been under the assumption that in prison, there is plenty of time for working out. Combine that with the fact that you do not have access to delicious foods, and we are confused as to how he has seemingly become even fatter than he was back in his pathetic days leading up to his crimes. So this sad sack believes he should be released from prison? Well, sit tight, buddy, because we don’t think you’re going anywhere anytime soon…or ever. Also, one more note: you want the “chance to live the new life that God has given you”? Well, if there is a God, we’re pretty sure he hates you.

Washington, D.C. – Throughout the ongoing debate about raising the United States debt limit, there has been criticism of both republican and democratic parties. Of course, the two men receiving the most criticism are republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner and President Barack Obama. Obama, however, has become sick of the criticism and yesterday, took action by publicly announcing that he is taking measures to personally save this country money by lowering his two daughters’ allowances. Obama announced in a press conference, that under the guidelines of the agreement, his oldest daughter, 13 year old Malia, will have her allowance cut from $3,200 per week to $3,000 per week. The younger, 10 year old Sasha, will see her allowance drop from $2,800 per week to just $2,500 every week. “The cuts were necessary” said Obama. “Times are lean for everybody in this great country. For example, I only get paid $420,000 per year. That breaks down to only $8,000 a week. And can you believe I only get a $50,000 annual expense account, a $100,000 travel account, and a mere $19,000 for an entertainment account?! And sure, I have no cost of living expenses, nor do I ever have to pay for any meals, but believe me, the Obama family is definitely feeling the pinch. And that is why we have adjusted our daughters allowances to $3,000 and $2,500 per week, respectively. At first, the girls were upset at the cuts, which is understandable. I sat them down and simply explained that this is good for America, and what’s good for America is good for the world. So my fellow Americans, just know that I am right there with you when you say you are struggling. However, with these steps taken today, I sincerely believe that myself and the entire Obama household have proven that we are helping you out. Thank you, and God bless.”

At $3,000 a week, 13 year old Malia is making $156,000 per year. At $2,500, 10 year old Sasha now makes $130,000 per year. Will these new cost cutting measures be enough to lower our nation’s spending and prove that the right choice is to raise our nation’s debt limit and that once we do, Obama is capable of leading us back to the country we once were? The President’s answer: “Yes…..and you’re welcome, America”

Hattiesburg, Mississippi – As the rumors began to swirl yesterday about the possibility of another Brett Favre comeback, his agent, Bus Cook, watched in disbelief. Today, he called The Clarion Ledger, a second rate, inferior newspaper in Jackson, Mississippi to address those rumors. Cook said “Brett Favre retired in January. He has not talked to anyone about playing football. He’s retired, period, question mark.” The fact that he actually spoke the words “question mark” puzzled the mediocre reporter employed by the laughable excuse for a newspaper. The reporter then asked if Cook could then guarantee that Favre is done for good. Cook answered “Look, he is 100% definitely maybe possibly retired. There is no chance, and when I say no chance, I mean a big chance, that Brett Favre will return to play in the NFL this season. I have advised Brett not to come back. He didn’t ask me before he sent pictures of his tiny penis to a woman, he clearly didn’t think about maybe doing the helicopter with it a few times first to make it look presentable, but he asked me about this.” The reporter, who was then more confused than ever – even more confused than readers of the Clarion Ledger who just don’t understand how this awful newspaper is still in business, referenced a recent tweet by Philadelphia quarterback, Michael Vick. In the tweet, Vick said that it would be an honor to have Favre as a backup and that it would be amazing learning how to toy with defenses the way Favre did. It should be noted that in the tweet, the dumb son of a bitch spelled Favre’s name wrong, spelling it Farve. It should also be noted that soon after word of the tweet got out, it was deleted. Of course, what else can you expect from a man who murdered dogs? Terrible people like Michael Vick who apparently have the public fooled into thinking they have changed since they had killed defenseless animals aside, Bus Cook ended his conversation with the rag that passes for a newspaper known as The Clarion Ledger by saying “Let me clear this up once and for all… Brett Favre will not be playing for any of the 31 teams in the NFL.” When he was reminded that there are actually 32 teams in the league, Cook responded “I know that. Like I said… Brett Favre will not be playing for any of the 31 teams in the NFL.” So the questions will undoubtedly now continue, and there are many of them

1. Will Brett Favre unretire again?

2. How does The Clarion Ledger stay in business?

3. How many more women will Brett Favre text pictures of his dong to?

Hopefully these questions will all be answered soon. Until then, “Favre dong watch” has reached day 2 and shows no signs of ending.

Hattiesburg, Mississippi – As the end of the NFL lockout appears near, Brett Favre is in the news once again. Seemingly every year about this time, the sports world gets caught up in what has become known as “Favre watch.” And now, after retiring this past season, which was his 20th in the league, rumors have again begun to swirl about a possible comeback for the veteran quarterback’s dong. Favre made headlines last October for texting pictures of it to a woman who was employed by the New York Jets at the time he was their quarterback. The woman, Jenn Sterger, was a gameday host for the Jets home games, a position that is not a real job and the only reason she had it was because she has large breasts and wore tight clothing. But for some reason, she began thinking she actually matters at all (editor’s note: she doesn’t) and went public with the pictures of Favre’s embarrassingly small penis. Favre was not disciplined by the league, however, because commissioner Roger Goodell felt that it was punishment enough that everyone in the world now knew what a tiny flaccid dong Favre has. Favre played on during this time until he became so injured, he could not even finish the season. That is when he retired. Since then, we have heard very little about the QB….until today when reports surfaced that the Philadelphia Eagles were interested in signing Favre to backup Michael Vick. Our sources have confirmed, however, that the report was mistaken and that it is not that Philadelphia is interested, it is that Favre has texted pictures of his penis to 8 women in Philadelphia since last week. When asked about the possibility of him going to Philadelphia, he explained that just because he texted pictures of his dong to women in Philadelphia does not mean he will make his new home there, telling us “hell, since retiring, I have also texted my penis to 9 women in San Francisco, 12 in Tennessee, and 17 in New Orleans, does that mean I’m going to play for the 49ers, Titans, or Saints? No!” Nevertheless, the rumors have started and “Favre dong watch” has officially begun for 2011.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In need of a dog trainer? Michael M. is the man to call. He not only knows how to raise them, he also knows the best way to care for them. Michael believes in raising a dog to be as big and strong as possible so that it will know how to survive if it ever wanders away from home, or perhaps is involved in a vicious fight to the death with another dog. Michael has always had a special relationship with dogs. In fact, sometimes, he will hug a dog so tight and just keep squeezing and squeezing, really showing his affection. Michael has such a kinship with these animals, that one might even say that it is at times shocking. It truly is an electric relationship he shares with each and every one of them. He believes in providing only the best nutrition for dogs too, feeding them only large raw pieces of meat, as well as making sure they are extremely hydrated at all times, even going so far as to hold their head down in a bucket of water to make sure they get enough. Michael believes in each dog that he trains and is willing to bet on them all. He believes in them so much because he believes in his training. He has such experience training dogs, that you could keep stacks and stacks of them in a circle in his backyard. So if you are looking for someone to train your dog, call Michael M. His motto is “your dog will win, it better….or else.”

Orlando, Florida - Casey is recently released from prison and is looking forward to starting a new life, hopefully one that involves your child. This young woman has 2 years experience raising a child of her own before getting burned out on the whole thing. But after 2 and a half years of vacation away from society, she’s ready to devote herself entirely to your child. Casey identifies herself as having a killer personality, especially with children. She says that once she starts telling jokes, your child will just die from laughter. She does warn that some of her babysitting methods may be a bit unique. For example: if it seems that your boy or girl has been missing for 31 days, that is more than likely just a camping trip that Casey has taken the child on in order to bond. Casey A. also has the unique ability to make up fairytales off the top of her head and is a wonderful storyteller, according to family, friends, and even police officers.

Casey asks that only individuals that are serious about offering employment contact her. She says that due to an unidentified part of her past, many people apparently wish to harm her. Please do not contact if you are one of these people.

London, England - After years of research, some of the world’s top scientists and mathematicians gathered in London last week to announce that the statistical probability of your baby being the smartest or cutest baby in the world is extremely low. They also announced that the chance that they are the smartest AND cutest is almost non existent. The announcement comes after an exhaustive two and a half year study conducted by representatives of the scientific and mathematic community in Sweden, Japan, China, England, and America, respectively. Their findings showed that despite what you believe, your child  is not the cutest child in the world and you should immediately stop telling people that, especially since the studies show that there is a 99 percent chance that the person you are saying it to also thinks their child is the cutest in the world. The findings went even further to state that you should stop entering your 6 month old child in online beauty contests and begging people on social networking sites such as Facebook to vote for them. Reportedly, there is a 62 percent chance that children who are entered in beauty pageants, whether they be online or physical, will develop some sort of complex as they get older. The study did not stop there, however, as the representatives also concluded that the chance of your baby being the smartest in the world is just as small. After a hypothesis introduced by the representative from Sweden that you should stop thinking your child is a genius simply because they can push a button on the television remote control or open an app on an iPad, which takes nothing more that putting your finger in a random spot on the device, the conclusion was that you should get out of your fantasy world you are apparently livng in. Another popular belief that your child is the both the smartest AND the cutest in the world was also proven to be a myth. The team’s findings showed that there is an indesputable 100 percent chance that your baby is indeed the cutest AND smartest in the world. Results also showed that you should stop posting multiple pictures of your baby on Facebook every single day, especially when he or she is doing absolutely nothing at all but sitting there as you attach a caption to the photo attempting to make it seem like it is something remarkable that is happening. The final results on this showed that there is a 100 percent chance of nobody caring about these pictures that you repeatedly post and that the likelihood of you misspellng something in the caption you write for the photo is 92 percent.

Huntsville, Texas – 38 year old, Humberto Leal Garcia, was put to death by lethal injection yesterday after he raped and murdered a 16 year old girl in 1994. The Obama administration had made an urgent appeal to stop the execution earlier, but the Supreme Court rejected it with a 5-4 decision. The appeal was made by Obama’s administration because the Mexican consulate had apparently not been notified at the time of Garcia’s arrest and trial, which they say violates the Vienna convention. Lawyers for the Obama administration argued that if the execution was carried out, it could have “serious repercussions” on future relations between the U.S. and Mexico. After all, people who rape and murder 16 year old girls deserve rights. They deserve to be fought for. And we sure as hell wouldn’t want to offend anyone by sentencing a grown man who RAPED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL and then killed her. Silly America for thinking that people like that should be punished! What were we thinking?! Good thing we have a president who’s administration is willing to stand up and fight for people who are only demonstrating their rights to rape and murder. But someone forgot to inform the consulate of Mexico that someone from his country had committed these crimes. If only he had been informed, maybe this poor man who savagely RAPED AND MURDERED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL could have been spared, if only for a little bit longer. Sorry for that one, Mexico! Our bad! But hey, just know that the president of the United States, Barack Obama, supports you and agrees that this man who, in case you forgot, RAPED AND MURDERED A FUCKING 16 YEAR OLD GIRL, should not have been executed. On behalf of the Supreme Court, we apologize to you, Obama, for being so short sighted in thinking that rape and murder deserves to be punished. We also owe an apology to Mexico. How dare we not consult with you before we bring a man to justice who committed such a crime in our country! Barack Obama promises that wont happen again, Mexico. And to prove he’s serious, he has put the United States in a 20 minute timeout.

Palo Alto, California – It was announced today that Facebook will soon be featuring video chat. Founder Mark Zuckerberg announced early this afternoon that the social media site will be partnering wtih Skype to offer the feature. After downloading an app, users will now have the option of chatting with a Facebook “friend” the standard way by typing or clicking a button that will allow them to talk to the person using their computer camera. Early feedback from Facebook users shows that many of them are angry at this announcement, as the appeal of Facebook is not actually having to look at the person they are talking to. Everyone knows that the goal of Facebook is to have as many “friends” as possible..not real friends, of course, but a collection of people on a list that you may or may not actually know in real life, that you can talk to without having to look at any of their disgusting faces. We spoke with one New Jersey resident who referred to himself only as “B. Knucks” who was very upset at this decision, saying “What if I take a chick home from a bar, ok? I mean, you know how I do. Look, this girl could be like a 3, bro, I don’t care, I’ll bang anything that moves. Well say this girl sends me a request on Facebook…Ok, no problem, I can type a message to this chick, but now I might actually have to look at her when I’m talking to her? Nah, that ain’t me, dog!” Concern is also apparently coming from the nerd world as well, as before, a nerdly gentleman of 36 who lives in his mother’s basement and records his own scene by scene commentary of old Doctor Who episodes, could send an attractive girl a message and have many typed conversations with her without her seeing what he looks like or how many boners he is actually experiencing while talking to her. Now, with this video chat feature, this gentleman’s world will be crushed much much sooner when the girl initiates a video chat with him and she sees his acne scarred face and his nervous habit of eating his own boogers. So we will have to see how this new feature plays out. But for right now, it seems that the “awesome” announcement that Mark Zuckerberg promised, is actually being seen as a terrible idea.