Brandon, Mississippi – It never fails. Every time you walk into the gym, no matter what time of day it is, there always seems to be that one asshole in there over by the weights. It’s something that happens in every gym across the country that has everyone else around saying “look at this douchebag!” It is likely we have all witnessed this, but just in case, we will describe this phenomenon for those that may be new to the gym so you can prepare yourself. Here are the most common characteristics of the person commonly referred to as “that one douchebag at the gym”:
1. The quickest and easiest way to identify this person is indeed a douchebag is that they typically lift thir shirt up a bit to look at their abs in the mirror. They will usually do this repeatedly throughout their workout. There is no explanation for this action other than this person is a complete douchebag. Seriously, why the fuck would you need to check your abs so often?! What, you need to make sure they’re still there and that they haven’t disappeared from your body in the last 30 seconds?!
2. Typically, this douchebag is going to be wearing a shirt that he has cut himself. Now, many people cut the sleeves of of their workout shirts for comfort, which is quite acceptable. But this asshole’s shirt will be slightly different. This guy just doesn’t stop at the sleeves, this guy feels the need to also cut close to the neck, eliminating a large portion of the shoulder area too, thus transforming the shirt into a homemade wife beater. This is done because the asshole thinks that everyone else in the gym needs to see how ripped he is. What everyone else in the gym really wants to see is this asshole punched in the face.
3. Many times this person will also be wearing jeans during their workout. Of course, simply wearing jeans doesn’t mean that the person you are looking at is your gym’s asshole. You must pay attention to the bottom of the leg of the jeans. If there is a frayed bottom but the jeans are clearly too new to be that way, then chances are we are dealing with the asshole in question. But not always. You see, some people just like to wear jeans to the gym – pretty fucking weird, but ok. And seeing as how jeans are sold already with a fray or tears in them at douchebaggy stores like Abercrombie & Fitch, just wearing them may not mean that this person is indeed your gym’s douchebag(although, chances are they are an douche) BUT if the jeans are combined with the shirt in description 2, you are dealing with a huge douche.
4. A haircut where the front of the hair makes the swoosh over their forehead, most likely down just above their eyebrow OR perfectly gelled hair. Again, we don’t want to generalize and say that every person with this swoosh haircut is a douchebag(most are, however) but the gelled hair – yes! Seriously, who the fuck styles their hair to go to the gym?!
5. Certain footwear could also be an indicator. Most people at the gym wear some sort of tennis shoe, walking shoe, running shoe, etc. The gym douchebag will often be spotted wearing mocassins or clogs. One type of shoe is tricky, however, and that is crocs. Now, if the person wearing crocs is also wearing scrubs, chances are they are a doctor or nurse and just left work and were wearing the crocs for the sake of comfort – this is acceptable. What is NOT acceptable is the person who is wearing NO shoes, lifting in just his socks. What do you think this is going to do for you? Is this something you read in a Flex magazine that said it would give you better stabalization or help you lift more?! Here’s a secret: What helps the bodybuilder who just got done squatting 625 pounds probably won’t do the same for your 90 pounds that you just put up!
So there it is. Steps for identifying your gym’s resident douchebag. The good news is you now know what to look for. The bad news is that after lengthy investigation, we have found that at least one of these douchebags exists in almost every gym in America. Therefore, there is, unfortunately, no escaping “that one douchebag at the gym.”