Las Vegas, Nevada – After not being held for 5 years, the Billboard Music Awards returned last night and were more impressive than ever (to 15 year old girls, that is). Eminem, Justin Bieber, and Taylor Swift were among the big winners of the awards that are decided by record sales and radio stations – 2 things that used to matter. The night was packed wtih performances that dazzled pre teens, teens, and young adults who never advanced mentally beyond the age of 17. It was a night of wild performances as Kesha took the stage and continued to try to act like she is an attractive girl, Rihanna continued to be a complete whore, and The Black Eyed Peas just continued to perfect the art of terrible music. It was a night of celebration for everyone involved – forced celebration, mind you, but celebration nonetheless. It was definitely everything you could ask for from a show that presents awards based on record sales – which are not what they used to be thanks to digital music stores, and radio airplay – which has become basically hearing the same 9 songs a day programmed ahead of time and played to you by a DJ who thinks he’s the funniest and most clever person since Howard Stern. Delusional thoughts aside, the show was a success and it’s return after a 5 year hiatus in which it didn’t seem to be missed at all, was all the buzz on Twitter and Facebook. Overall, it was a good night for everyone, no matter if it was an artist who won an award, a record company executive who was able to pretend for a few hours that iTunes isn’t going to eventually crush you, the radio DJ who thinks he’s one of the best ever but is actually nothing but ego and bad puns, and all fans of things that are wrong with the world.

Los Angeles, California – 11 days ago, we posted an article on the fact that actor, Chris Hemsworth, had set the opening weekend pussy crushing record by having sex with 17 girls within the first 3 days of his film Thor opening at the box office. In that same article, we told you that Leonardo DiCaprio was now second on the list, having had sex with 11 girls the opening weekend of Titanic in 1997 and that Ryan Reynolds moved down to third after banging 9 women during the opening weekend of his 2009 film, The Proposal. Since running that piece, we have been contacted by actor Christian Bale, best known for his role as Batman in Batman Returns and the incredibly successful 2008 release, The Dark Knight. Bale is furious, saying that he should actually be tied with Reynolds for third place after having sex with 9 women the opening weekend of The Dark Knight. The truth, however, is that Bale is fourth on the list, having slept with 8.5 women on the weekend in question. Obviously, there is no such thing as half a woman; the .5 exists on the basis of a technicality, and that is what Bale is arguing. What happened was that during the first weekend of the film, Bale did indeed take 9 different women to bed, but due to an unexpected effect from an ambien he had taken, he had some penis troubles and was not able to perform properly. It is a problem that happens about 20 percent of the time after taking an ambien. The person will experience a flaccid penis and, although trying his best, will only be credited with what is referred to as a “half bang.” Unfortunately, this was the case with Bale, leaving him with the number 8.5. Bale left a message at our office two days after reading the article explaining that he should be credited with a full bang and not just half, and that his number should indeed be 9, tying him with Ryan Reynolds. We here at Ridicularity.com take these rules seriously. The half bang is among these rules and it would be extremely unethical for us to try to bend the rules just for a celebrity…even Batman. So with respect to Mr. Bale, we stand by our article and unfortunately, he remains fourth on the all time opening weekend pussy crushing record with 8.5. It is unforunate, but it is a classic tale of the “half bang.”

Los Angeles, California - As details continue to come out almost daily about Arnold Schwarzenegger and the child he fathered with another woman, the actor remains mostly quiet. Earlier today, however, he spoke a bit about the situation and his one true regret through it all. He took us through the events, beginning with May 9th, the day his wife, Maria Shriver said she was seperating from him. The former governor said that “after a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion, and prayer, we came to this decision together, though personally, I had reflected for years about why I married a woman that is so skeleton looking. Seriously, she really looks like a skelton, doesn’t she?” he asked. Then on May 16th came the news that the reason for the couple’s seperation was that Schwarzenegger had fathered a child with a family maid more than 10 years ago. He said that after leaving the governor’s office, he had decided to tell his wife about the child, noting that it was a difficult decision that he went back and forth about. “I wrestled with the decision to tell her for a few years” he said, adding “Of course, I also wrestled with the question of does she look more like a skeleton or an alien? I eventually decided to tell her about my child with this other woman….I also decided that she looks more like an alien.” Then just today, the news comes that the woman Schwarzenegger who had Schwarzenegger’s child was actually pregnant at the same time that Shriver was pregnant with their son, Christopher. Another of Arnold’s sons, 17 year old Patrick, actually changed his last name from Schwarzenegger to Shriver on his Twitter page (as if that matters in the least fucking bit – it’s fucking twitter!) and posted a tweet saying that “somedays you just want to quit and be normal for a bit.” The truth is that Patrick is normal and can (and should) be punched in the face just like so many other normal people like himself.” Schwarzenegger was then asked that of all of these facts, what he regrets the most. He responded “Well, regret is a strong word. Clearly I have done many things in my life that most would find regrettable. I have used steroids, I have been a womanizer, I have made Last Action Hero, I have cheated on my wife, fathered a child with another woman while still married, and I have caused my children to be angry at ashamed at me. But the one and only true regret that I have in my life is playing Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. I mean, what was I thinking? That movie was basically just a 2 hour bad decision.” He concluded with one more statement, saying that “There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt that I have caused.” We thought that he was speaking about his infidelity, but it turns out he was still apologizing for his unfortunate role in Batman & Robin.

Brandon, Mississippi – It never fails. Every time you walk into the gym, no matter what time of day it is, there always seems to be that one asshole in there over by the weights. It’s something that happens in every gym across the country that has everyone else around saying “look at this douchebag!” It is likely we have all witnessed this, but just in case, we will describe this phenomenon for those that may be new to the gym so you can prepare yourself. Here are the most common characteristics of the person commonly referred to as “that one douchebag at the gym”:

1. The quickest and easiest way to identify this person is indeed a douchebag is that they typically lift thir shirt up a bit to look at their abs in the mirror. They will usually do this repeatedly throughout their workout. There is no explanation for this action other than this person is a complete douchebag. Seriously, why the fuck would you need to check your abs so often?! What, you need to make sure they’re still there and that they haven’t disappeared from your body in the last 30 seconds?!

2. Typically, this douchebag is going to be wearing a shirt that he has cut himself. Now, many people cut the sleeves of of their workout shirts for comfort, which is quite acceptable. But this asshole’s shirt will be slightly different. This guy just doesn’t stop at the sleeves, this guy feels the need to also cut close to the neck, eliminating a large portion of the shoulder area too, thus transforming the shirt into a homemade wife beater. This is done because the asshole thinks that everyone else in the gym needs to see how ripped he is. What everyone else in the gym really wants to see is this asshole punched in the face.

3. Many times this person will also be wearing jeans during their workout. Of course, simply wearing jeans doesn’t mean that the person you are looking at is your gym’s asshole. You must pay attention to the bottom of the leg of the jeans. If there is a frayed bottom but the jeans are clearly too new to be that way, then chances are we are dealing with the asshole in question. But not always. You see, some people just like to wear jeans to the gym – pretty fucking weird, but ok. And seeing as how jeans are sold already with a fray or tears in them at douchebaggy stores like Abercrombie & Fitch, just wearing them may not mean that this person is indeed your gym’s douchebag(although, chances are they are an douche) BUT if the jeans are combined with the shirt in description 2, you are dealing with a huge douche.

4. A haircut where the front of the hair makes the swoosh over their forehead, most likely down just above their eyebrow OR perfectly gelled hair. Again, we don’t want to generalize and say that every person with this swoosh haircut is a douchebag(most are, however) but the gelled hair – yes! Seriously, who the fuck styles their hair to go to the gym?!

5. Certain footwear could also be an indicator. Most people at the gym wear some sort of tennis shoe, walking shoe, running shoe, etc. The gym douchebag will often be spotted wearing mocassins or clogs. One type of shoe is tricky, however, and that is crocs. Now, if the person wearing crocs is also wearing scrubs, chances are they are a doctor or nurse and just left work and were wearing the crocs for the sake of comfort – this is acceptable. What is NOT acceptable is the person who is wearing NO shoes, lifting in just his socks. What do you think this is going to do for you? Is this something you read in a Flex magazine that said it would give you better stabalization or help you lift more?! Here’s a secret: What helps the bodybuilder who just got done squatting 625 pounds probably won’t do the same for your 90 pounds that you just put up!

So there it is. Steps for identifying your gym’s resident douchebag. The good news is you now know what to look for. The bad news is that after lengthy investigation, we have found that at least one of these douchebags exists in almost every gym in America. Therefore, there is, unfortunately, no escaping “that one douchebag at the gym.”

Austin Texas - Austin resident, Steven Granderson, is reporting that his spank bank has once again been filled after the gym he belongs to  finally opened their swimming pool this past weekend after having an inflatable dome over it since October 2nd of last year. The dome was originally schedule to be taken down the previous weekend, but weather forecasts for the following Monday, May 2nd, called for a high of only 55 degrees with rain, so the gym decided to wait an extra week. According to Steven, that extra week seemed like an eternity, although he then told us that it was totally worth it. He also tells us that he became spoiled after 4 years of attending the Gregory Gym at the University of Texas. The gym was free to students and was packed almost daily with beautiful women utilizing not only weight machines, but also the large indoor pool the gym featured. After graduating last June, however, Granderson knew he would no longer be able to attend the Gregory Gym for free, so he signed up at the Pure Austin Gym downtown. Due to a family trip in late July through early August, Steven had less than 2 months to creepily stare at bikini clad women before the sun bathing season was over. The winter months proved to be a dark time for Steven. He continued to obsess over the lost pool time. He tried desperately to make up for that lost time by spending countless hours in front of his computer looking at pornography on the internet. So much time, in fact, that it spilled over to his job and he was fired from his position at the local Apple store when instead of showing a customer how to use Garage Band like they requested, he instead showed them a hardcore barely legal video he had downloaded from a pay porn site. He has since been working at the Best Buy on Research Blvd selling inferior Windows based computers. “It’s been a tough road” Steven says, “But I made it. Last weekend was a great first weekend back at the pool. It was in the lower 90′s both Saturday and Sunday and I have memorized the weather for the next month so I can plan my pool trips. This weekend will be sunny in the low to mid 80′s. I’m excited to see what this week holds after a great weekend where I saw some juicy redheads, some busty brunettes, and some boneriffic blondes.” As Steven continued to use descriptions for these women that you would generally only see on a porn site, we became uncomfortable and hurried away. But although Steven Granderson clearly is a man in need of help, we are happy for him and wish him nothing but the best.

Bloomington, Minnesota - Handwritten journals taken by US Navy SEALs in the raid of Osama Bin Laden’s compound on May 1st show that the Al Qaeda leader was calling for followers to plan an attack on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. He wrote of attacking not only planes, but trains in smaller cities than that of New York. His writings show him contemplating how many Americans an attack would have to kill to convince the US to withdraw from the Arab world. One entry said that it would require an attack with a body count of thousands to do so, and apparently, that is just what Bin Laden had begun scheming before his brains were splattered across a room by the Navy SEALs. The journal is also said to contain a 3 page plan of exactly when and where to attack. The date: September 11, 2011 – the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy. The place: Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota – a 4.2 million square foot mall with 520 stores, rides, and other attractions inside. The mall is said to have an average of 100,000 visitors per day. Bin Laden apparently saw this as the perfect opportunity for the American body count he had written about and planned to pounce. Below is a word for word entry taken from the journal explaining the reasoning behind the location:

“I have heard of this Mall of America, this monument of American consumerism. Over 100,000 of these western devils visit this place every day, exchanging their money for goods, clothing, and food. I say horse shit! You know what I am wearing? A robe that I made myself! You know what I am eating? A goat that I had to kill and roast over a fire last night! Have you ever eaten fire roasted goat?! It is fucking disgusting! And I don’t think it was fully cooked, I believe I have worms. Death to the Americans! Ok, enough about the goat… But I would kill for some Denny’s! I mean it, I would LITERALLY have someone killed for some Denny’s! Oh, there I go again…Ok, onto the plan…… The Mall of America – with so many people in one place, it is the perfect target. Plus, we will strike on a Sunday, prime shopping day, and in September, there will be great sales going on as well. We will need 2 or 3 male volunteers and 1 female volunteer. These volunteers will each be wearing a powerful explosive device on them. On September the 11, 2011, they will travel to the Mall. The first thing they will do is locate the food court and report back to me directly to confirm whether or not there is an Orange Julius, because I’m not sure if those still exist. I used to love those things! After confirmation of the Orange Julius status, they will then walk to center court, where the gentleman will initiate a brobang on the one woman. A large crowd will then gather wondering just what the hell is going on. Once a large enough crowd has gathered, both men, in mid thrust, will detonate their explosive devices, which should be powerful enough to take out up to 1,300 onlookers….that figure may be slightly off because I had to do the math on a rock…. I live in fucking Pakistan for Christ’s sake, it’s not like we have calculators!”

The next 2 pages of the journal entry were simply drawings of the bomb vest he wished for the volunteers to wear and doodles of 3 men having sex with 1 woman and the words “EXPLOSIVE BROBANG” jotted above them. It is unclear whether or not Osama Bin Laden was panning to accompany these volunteers. One would think he would not risk such travel due to security, but the picture he had drawn of himself watching the “explosive brobang” while sipping from a cup that said Orange Julius and holding an Abercrombie and Fitch bag makes officials think that perhaps he was indeed planning on traveling to the mall. Thankfully, this plan is now cancelled. But US officials are warning everyone from airports, to train stations, to now even shopping malls, to keep their eyes open for any mysterious activity happening around them, ESPECIALLY brobangs…..unless, of course, it is Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer brobanging some female shopper. They reserve the right for that to take place at any moment in any location.

Jackson, Mississippi - No, the movie did not set the box office record for highest grossing opening weekend for a super hero movie. Even with it’s massive 66 million dollar opening this past weekend, Thor was about 92 million short of the 2008 opening of The Dark Knight. It did, however, directly lead to the star of the movie, Chris Hemsworth, setting a record of his own. The 27 year old Australian born actor slept with 17 different girls over the weekend, giving him the all time pussy crushing record for the star of a movie during it’s opening weekend. He easily surpassed the record set by Leonardo DiCaprio with the 1997 release of Titanic, when he had sex with 11 girls in the film’s first 3 days. When asked about Hemsworth taking his record from him, DiCaprio was understanding, saying that “it’s a different time, girls are bigger whores now than they have ever been.” DiCaprio then wished Hemsworth luck and even encouraged him to strive to set an even higher record by having sex with more women when he returns to star in The Avengers, which is due out in 2012. Hemsworth’s new record may not last long, however. It is expected to be challenged by Ryan Reynolds(currently third on the list, having banged 9 girls during the opening weekend of his 2009 film, The Proposal) when The Green Lantern hits theaters in June. When asked if he is worried about being dethroned so soon, Hemsworth admitted being concerned, saying that “Ryan has a great physique and is dangerously handsome. I added 20 pounds of muscle to my physique for Thor and that is definitely what propelled me to the record this past weekend. Girls are becoming bigger whores by the week and they love good bodies. Given that, I definitely expect Ryan to challenge me later this summer. No worries though, mate.” We will not have to wait long to see if Reynolds does indeed take over the top spot from Hemsworth, as The Green Lantern opens in just over a month on June 17th. But until then, Chris Hemsworth has said that he will enjoy the success he has found with Thor…and use that success to thrust himself into as many women as humanly possible.

Jackson, Mississippi - There appears to be a disease sweeping across America and is, for the most part, going unchecked. The disease seems to be found mostly in women age 14-26, although there have been a few male cases reported so far. The main sympton so far appears to be one becoming extremely fatigued in the middle of saying certain words. So fatigued, in fact, that they cannot seem to finish those words. Here are a few examples:

“Prob” instead of probably

“Def” in the place of definitely

“Whatev” instead of whatever

“Preesh” instead of appreciate

And perhaps the most alarming example came just recently when one Mississippi woman was actually heard saying that something was “presh” instead of being able to say the full word, precious. Doctors are reportedly baffled by this epidemic and are saying that until more research is done, the best way to handle this situation is that if you experience someone saying these words, make sure they are ok by asking questions like “Oh, was the full word too much for you?” or “Did you run out of breath in the middle of that word?” Your first reaction when you hear someone speak these half words is to laugh at them or maybe roll your eyes and dismiss them as dumb. But medical professionals are warning that that may be the worst way to handle this situation, saying that this could potentially be something serious involving their cardiovascular system if they are getting winded after only one half of a word. Several English teachers have even commented on the topic, saying they are just as dumbfounded. One such teacher we spoke with said “it’s tough, ya know? I spend my life teaching people correct spelling, grammar, and how to form sentences, then you hear these girls say things like “prob” and “presh”, it just breaks my heart. But then I think maybe it has something to do wtih their bodies, because after all, they are getting winded after only finishing half of a word. It’s just frustrating, you know?” Chances are many of us can agree with her frustrations, because we most likely know at least one person who has been afflicted with this disease. Perhaps it’s a friend, or neighbor, or a friend’s wife. Whatever the case may be, next time you hear them utter such words as “def” and “preesh”, don’t dismiss them as simply being complete morons who for some reason think it sounds cool to abbreviate their words. Ask them if they are ok, and pray that we may one day find the cure.

Washington, D.C. – When Navy SEALs raided Osama Bin Laden’s mansion on Sunday, they not only took out the leader of  Al Qaeda, they also confiscated computers, hard drives, and other items that may be of great help in our country’s war on terror. But one document found amongst all of this data has officials scratching their heads. On one of the seized computers, US government officials opened a document that states that Osama Bin Laden actually died almost 6 years ago, falling victim to a massive sex riot in his own home. According to the document, on June 2, 2005, Bin Laden and others were celebrating the completion of his new mansion in Pakistan. There was a large gathering for his house warming party, reportedly about 50 people or so. The document says that Bin Laden was in the back cooking burgers on the grill when most of the guests began arriving, mostly women – which seems accurate, for it is a well known fact that Bin Laden absolutely HATED sausage fests. The report states that as these female guests were arriving, Osama said to his son, Doug Bin Laden, “man the grill while I go park my dong”  It is said that Bin Laden, always the greedy pig, then grabbed 18 girls and began leading them upstairs. Unfortunately for Osama Bin Laden, the radio in his room was on and the new single at the time, “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado, began playing. It is said that the girls, half way up the stairs at the time, began shouting phrases like “oh my God, that is my jam!” and “this song is so about my life!” but spoken in crazy Arabic languages. The girls then all began running up the stairs to be closer to the radio so they could dance, running over Bin Laden, who was faced the opposite direction from the herd of oncoming girls. He was reportedly knocked down when the first 3 ran into him, then as he was down and the girls kept running toward the room, he was stepped on numerous times, sustaining injuries from many high heeled shoes. The injuries are said to have been to the ribs, head, and neck area. It is also said that one pair of shoes had actually done damage to his throat and vocal cords and he was therefore not able to shout for help. About seven minutes later, after the girls had finished dancing, they walked out of the room to find Bin Laden lying on the stairs. It was too late. Bin Laden’s friends then admonished the girls, calling them whores and telling them they would never be one of the 72 virgins that would be waiting for Osama Bin Laden in heaven. Bin Laden’s body was then buried in a location that is still unknown and his friends prepared the document to serve as his death certificate. They decided since he was trampled while on his way to have sex with these women, that the reason for death would indeed be classified as SEX RIOT. Now here we are almost 6 years later and this document now has officials perplexed. If Osama Bin Laden was already dead, then who was the man killed just this past Sunday? The same day that perhaps the only other person who may know the answer – his son, Doug Bin Laden, was also killed. Unfortunately these are just more questions for an already burdened nation.

Abbottabad, Pakistan – Americans rejoiced last night as they heard the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. They gathered in the streets of Washington outside the white house, they gathered in the streets of New York at the site of the World Trade Center attacks, they shouted from rooftops and climbed trees, all the while waving the American flag. Those celebrations then grew larger and louder as president Obama made the official announcement that the man responsible for the attacks on 9/11 had finally been killed almost 10 years later. Many trees even broke from the weight of these stupid obese Americans who jumped up and down like idiots as if a tree branch would support them. Nevertheless, it was indeed a night for all Americans to feel happy, proud, and patriotic…the way we always tend to do when news like this breaks and then a week later, we go back to not caring. But rumors are starting to leak that it may not have been the American government that is responsible for the killing of Bin Laden. Sources who wish to remain anonymous but say they were at the scene are telling us that the picture that president Obama and the press is painting is not an accurate one. They tell us that the person responsible for killing Bin Laden is indeed Doctor Who. According to these scources, there were no helicopters descending from the sky, simply a blue police call box (later identified as a TARDIS ) that appeared out of nowhere. They say that a tall, slender, dark haired gentleman wearing a bow tie and an attractive red haired female then stepped out of the machine and approached Bin Laden. Sources then say that Bin Laden became incredibly alarmed and pulled a girl in front of him who he was apparently using as some sort of human shield. The man who stepped out of the box then told Bin Laden that “it’s ok, I’m a doctor.” “Doctor who?” Bin Laden then asked, to which the unidentified red haired woman responded “precisely.” At that moment, the doctor reportedly pulled out a gun and shot Osama Bin Laden in the head. Sources say the two then got back into the box and it disappeared. So is it possible that word of this got back to Barack Obama and he saw this as a chance to spin the story and take credit for authorizing a mission himself that would have the US government killing Bin Laden? Perhaps he thought it would be easy because, after all, who would believe a blue police call box would just appear out of of thin air and people could just jump out of it? But we are now learning that British scientists commented on this story just this morning saying that not only is it possible, but has been done many many times. One of them even said that he had witnessed it happen on countless occasions from about 1963 to 1989, then once in 1996, and has now been seeing it happen since 2005 up to now. So perhaps the US government is responsible for the killing of Bin Laden as the news tells us. Or perhaps it was indeed the work of some mysterious doctor who appeared out of nowhere, seemingly traveling through time and space to just show up. We may never know the truth, but whoever may be responsible,  America is happy with the results.