Columbia, South Carolina - Gamecocks quarterback, Stephen Garcia has been suspended for the first week of spring practice for reportedly breaking curfew. Garcia is entering his 5th year with the team, although it really seems like he’s been there about 8 years. In his seemingly endless time with South Carolina, he has now been suspended 3 times. Head coach, Steve Spurrier, who once believed Garcia would be one of the finest quarterbacks to ever play for him, has seemingly become fed up with the situation. “Stephen is a decent player” said Spurrier, “but he sure isn’t what I thought he’d be at this point. I mean, the kid’s been here for what seems like 13 years and he still makes mistakes, both on the field and off. He’s been disciplined for those mistakes, but there comes a time when you just feel like you need to take his life.” Apparently, Spurrier first began thinking about murdering Garcia in 2009, but the thoughts were only every now and again. The thoughts intensified this past season in the Gamecocks game against Auburn when Garcia fumbled the ball on 2 consecutive posessions. Spurrier recalls the moment snuffing the life out of his QB came to the forefront of his mind… “Yeah, he went out there and fumbled the ball and I was angry, those were mistakes that a player that’s been here 18 years shouldn’t be making, but that’s just typical Garcia, so I let him go, then he goes out there and fumbles it again. I had to sit him at that point. As he was standing by the bench, I went to him, kicked him in the groin, thinking that would make me feel better, but a few minutes later, I just started wondering if I could kill this kid and get away with it. But unfortunately, I decided not to.” The Gamecocks went 6-2 the rest of the season after the Auburn game, but then were trounced by Auburn in the SEC championship and lost to Florida State in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. Spurrier was stunned in the post game news conference, saying “there’s no reason for us not to win that game, especially with the experience of Garcia, he’s been our quarterback for 22 years for God’s sake!” The next day, Spurrier reportedly purchased both a gun and a large hunting knife, saying that it’s “best to have options.” Spurrier says he has spent the offseason tweaking the Gamecocks playbook, adding some new formations on offense, and working up the courage necessary to take a human life. “The time is now” Spurrier said as he bench pressed at the Gamecocks facility and chanted “Garcia” with every rep. He then looked in the mirror and simply said “it’s time.” When asked about the consequences of the actions he was apparently considering, he said “I’ll be alright, I’m Steve Spurrier. I make quarterbacks, I take quarterbacks. I am legend. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out to do what I should have done to Jesse Palmer.” So judging by the words of Spurrier, it appears Stephen Garcia’s days as Gamecocks quarterback….and his days on earth…may be numbered.

Cleveland, Ohio – Pitcher, Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn is said to be right on schedule to begin his major league comeback this season according to Indians owner, Larry Dolan. Vaughn has not pitched since 1994 when he took the Indians to the World Series. The time off has Cleveland fans worried though, that he may be extremely rusty, but Dolan is quick to shoot those thoughts down. “True, he has been away from the game for many years” said the owner. “But look at what he did for this organization his first time around.” What Dolan speaks of, of course, is that magical 1989 season when Rick, a rookie player who’s only stop before Cleveland, was playing prison ball in the California penal league, helped the team reach the playoffs in an epic 1 game playoff against the New York Yankees. Vaughn put up impressive numbers that year, especaially considering it started out disasterously, with him throwing more wild pitches than strikes, a stat that earned him the nickname “Wild Thing.” Lou Brown, who passed away just this past year from throat cancer, was in his first year managing the team that season and would later recall that it was “a wild ride” and it was “like something out of a movie.” Brown and the Indians would not stop the hollywood style magic that season though. They would then give the fans another great season, or “sequel”, to use those movie style terms. The Indians would return to the playoffs and this time make it all the way to the World Series by defeating the Chicago White Sox in the ALCS. Before his untimely demise, Brown told of that team too, saying that it too had started out slow after players had seemingly lost their identities after that first season and got wrapped up in their own fame and ego. Rick Vaughn was among those players who had lost himself in a world of endorsements and accolades. It was not until the playoffs of that year that a talk from his catcher, Jake Taylor, sparked something in Vaughn and he found what it was he had lost, as he pitched  masterfully to end the series clinching game that put the team in the World Series. During the offseason, however, the pitcher decided he wanted to give acting a try. He enjoyed the experience so much, that he gave up pitching and began acting full time. He would go on to have quite a successful film and television career, acting under the alias of “Charlie Sheen.” He developed the name so people would not just associate him with baseball. Fast foward almost 17 years later and he we are. Vaughn’s love of the game has led him back and he will now attempt a comeback after a 16 year layoff in MLB history. He has dropped the clearly fabricated name of “Charlie Sheen” and appears ready to go. The question is can he do it? He believes yes, although he admits it will be tough. “The arm feels good” he said. He continued, “but I know I won’t have the same group of guys getting me the runs on offense, hitters like Pedro Cerrano, speedsters like Willie Mays Hayes, veterans like Jake Taylor and Roger Dorn. That was a solid team, those were solid guys.” We will find out soon if Vaughn has what it takes to complete the comeback, as Cleveland manager, Manny Acta, says the plan is for Vaughn to make his spring training debut March 23rd against the Royals. He is then slated to be the tribe’s opening day pitcher April 1st at home against the White Sox. It should be noted, however, that all of these timetables are up in the air right now until Vaughn passes a mental evaluation requested by the team after recently making some remarks as “Charlie Sheen” that the club found questionable.

Santa Monica, California - An 8.9 magnitude earthquake rocked Japan overnight, sending massive tsunami waves through the streets, leaving a path of destruction in it’s wake. So powerful was this earthquake, that the resulting tsunami waves are expected to reach the coast of California sometime in the next 30 minutes or so. With such a limited amount of time, actor Ryan Reynolds has begun moving very quickly to organize an emergency beach brobang. For those unfamiliar with a brobang, it is when 2 or more men, usually good friends (bros) join forces to have sex with 1 girl. It is well documented that Reynolds has been brobanging alongside musician John Mayer for months now, with rumors swirling that it was an unwanted brobang on Scarlett Johansson that caused the actress to file for divorce from Reynolds. It is said the actor has been chronicling his brobangs as of late and is very proud of them, but recently wished to add more of a sense of danger to them. That is why as soon as he heard the news of the approaching tsunami waves, he quickly began contacting Mayer, reportedly telling him to “get a girl and get your ass down to the beach for a danger bang.” It is being reported that Mayer obliged and had no problem finding a willing participant once he mentioned Ryan Reynolds was involved – after all, it’s Ryan Reynolds for Christ’s sake! Last reported the emergency beach brobang is said to take place within the hour on Newport Beach. Officials are urging Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Mayer not to hold this brobang, for it carries extreme implications of danger.

Washington, D.C. - Today is what is commonly referred to as “D day.” This time, the usage of the phrase, which downplays and insults a historical military event, is referring to the NFL. At midnight tonight, the current collective bargaining agreement will expire, leading to the possibility of an NFL lockout. Talks will continue today between owners and the union to try to prevent that from taking place, but as of now, it does not look promising. Many players though, appear optimistic. Ben Roethlisberger, on the other hand, has become downright defiant. Perhaps fueled by desperation, the quarterback known as “Big Ben” showed up yesterday at the meetings between the owner’s labor committe and players union and quite simply told all the owners in attendence “There will be no lockout. I will fight and I will continue to make unwanted advances towards girls who say no!” After the statement, which came less than 3 minutes into the discussions, Roethlisberger walked out of the building. Players and owners spent the next five minutes sitting silent, completely confused by what had just taken place. Reporters caught up with Roethlisberger outside of the building just before he got into a car and asked him about the comments. This is what he had to say:

“It’s real simple, if there is no football, I can’t play quarterback, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, then I don’t have the money necessary to travel to small college towns, go to their bars, and sexually assault young girls. That’s an important part of my life and these owners are trying to take that away from me. By locking the players out, they are trying to take away a big part of who I am.”

When one reporter thought that perhaps Roethlisberger was saying the “big part of who he was” meant quarterback of the Steelers, he was quickly corrected. “No, man!” Roethlisberger responded. “Look, the life of an NFL player is stressful and we have to find ways to unwind. And many of us..well, a few of us…ok, really just me, unwind by making unwanted sexual advances towards young girls that we have no business being around.” By the time the quarterback got done making these statements, many reporters, who were clearly very uncomfortable had already walked away in the middle of his speech. The lone remaining reporter then asked Ben if he had one final message to deliver to the NFL owners. The quarterback then looked directly into the camera, pointed his finger at it, and with a scowl on his face, simply said “We will win. I will win. You will NOT lock me out of unwilling girl’s vaginas!”

So as the final day of the CBA rolls on with so much uncertainty in the air, one thing is very certain: Ben Roethlisberger clearly has a very very different definition of lockout than the rest of these greedy players and owners.