Massapequa, New York - Last night was a big night for many people at the 83rd annual Academy Awards. There was one person, however, that it should have been a very big night for, but was not. It was announced just minutes before the show began that actor Stephen Baldwin would be receving a special Lifetime Acheivement award from the Academy. However, it quickly beame evident that the actor was not there. Even Alec, the older and far more successful of the Baldwin brothers did not seem to know where to find Stephen. “I really wish I could find him, ya know?” said Alec. “Tonight should be a special night for my brother and he’s not even around? This is not good, but I’m gonna keep trying to get him and I’ll let ya know.” That was at 5:18 pacific time, just before the show started. 3 hours later, minutes away from the close of the show, Alec, who still could not locate Stephen informed us that no one had actually seen or heard from Stephen since 2002, not that they know of, at least. What he meant was that Stephen has actually been working pretty steadily over the years, but the projects he have been working on have been so terrible, that most of the self respecting world have not seen them. The moment finally came for the award to be given to Stephen and still, he was not there. Brother Alec agreed to go on stage and accept on his brother’s behalf, but only if it was untelevised. Why did Alec want it untelevised? Well, as he told us, he “doesn’t want everybody to worry because I have a feeling that if the world were to hear Stephen Baldwin is missing, that there would be worldwide panic and chaos.” Alec then walked on stage, accepted Stephen’s award, and spoke a little bit about his brother, saying that “This award has been a long time coming and I’m proud of my brother for finally getting the recognition he’s deserved for years now. Think about the classic films that he has given us: Bio-Dome, Zebra Lounge, The Flinstones Viva Rock Vegas, Shoot The Duke, 1 episode of CSI, and so many more great great films.” Then, in a moment where we couldn’t quite tell if he was serious or just being mean, Alec told the audience that “When I look back at what Stephen’s career has meant to people and what he has done compared to what I have done, it really makes me feel worthless. I mean, what have I given the world? Seasons full of laughter on 30 Rock, The Departed, The Hunt For Red October, The Aviator, countless times hosting Saturday Night Live? Well, all of that, folks, pales in comparison to the potential my brother had, I mean has! On behalf of him, I want to thank you, and hope that in the future, when you think acting, you think Stephen Baldwin. Thank you!” Alec then reportedly could barely make it backstage without laughing. So as this year’s installment of the Academy Awards is in the books, and The King’s Speech was named Best Picture of the year, we all have to wonder if that award had gone to one of the many other films nominated if only those in charge of the films had had the good sense to cast Stephen Baldwin in those projects. Could Stephen had brought home Best Picture for The Social Network if it were him instead of Jesse Eisenberg playing Mark Zuckerberg, or how bout the mistake that may have been made by casting Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception instead of Stephen, or maybe, just maybe The Fighter could have won if it weren’t for the choice of Mark Wahlberg over someone like Baldwin. Unfortunately, those situations will have to play out in our minds only. So here we are, more than 12 hours removed from the Oscars and we still have no freaking clue where Stephen Baldwin is. However, we’re pretty sure that Stephen Baldwin doesn’t even know where Stephen Baldwin is.

Los Angeles, California – In a surprising move, it was announced this morning that the movie, Bio-Dome, will be included in the list of nominees for the Best Motion Picture of the year category at the Oscars tonight. The 1996 film, starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin as two dim witted best friends who stumble into a project where scientists live in a bio-dome for 1 year without contact with the outside world. The movie did poorly among critics and the movie going public, failing to break even at the box office. Tom Sherak, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had no explination as to why this film from 15 years ago was now included in this year’s awards show. All Sherak would say is that “we will decide what you like, we know what’s best for you, and what’s best for you is Bio-Dome.”  So, your new updated nominee list for Best Motion Picture of the year for this year’s oscars looks like this:

Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King’s Speech
The Social Network
127 Hours
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter’s Bone                                                                                                                                                          Bio-Dome

Dallas, Texas - Jim Clark married his wife, Stephanie, in July of 2006, and Jim’s friends have been unhappy ever since. Jim and Stephanie had been dating only a matter of months when they announced their intentions to get married. Jim’s closest friends thought it was a bit fast, but understood that many couples get married quickly and were not overly concerned. Then not five days after the engagement, the couple announced their intentions to get married the following week. The decision was an unpopular one among Jim’s friends. Stephanie’s dim witted friends and advisors were supportive of the decision, however. The couple took a brief honeymoon and once they returned, that is when the early stages of friendship unrest began to show. The more Jim’s friends were around Stephanie, the more they learned about her selfish personality, her thoughts that she was better than many people, and her obsession with material posessions such as purses, jewelry, and nice clothing. Disatisfaction among Jim’s friends grew even stronger as not even six months after their marriage, the couple announced they were expecting their first child. Jim’s friends (and by that point, his friends’ wives) who were capable of rational thought, much more than Jim, himself, saw this pregnancy as nothing more than a way for Stephanie to trap Jim in this marriage that although Jim never stated so, could not be an enjoyable one. Once the baby was born in the fall of 2007, the friendship unrest intensified. Months later, as Stephanie had not returned to work since her pregnancy, and showed no signs of doing so, she started placing rules on what Jim could and could not buy while, she would buy $60 jeans, tanning bed sessions, pedicures, and jewelry. Stephanie justified these actions by saying it relieved her stress of staying home all day with a fussy baby, waiting for Jim to get home to take care of the child because she was about to “blow her brains out.” Jim’s friends could not help but think what a fucking idiot she sounded like and that maybe she should realize that by CHOOSING to stay home and not work, that’s what she signed herself up for. As Jim’s friend, Zach Norton, a father of 2, said to his other friend, “guess what, baby’s cry, that’s what they do. Stop acting like you are the first person ever to encounter this.”  Still, things had not boiled over, until 2 weeks ago when Stephanie restricted Jim’s internet access, but still allowed herself to browse whenever and whatever she wanted. Jim’s friends could take it no longer and they took to the street in front of Jim’s home in protest of Stephanie and her tyrannical leadership of the marriage. Jim’s closest friends (and even their wives) flooded the street to voice their anger. Group leader, Edward Jenkins, Jim’s friend of 16 years, told reporters that they are “tired of pretending to like her just because Jim is their friend and that her reign of terror has gone on long enough.” The protests remained peaceful until Stephanie’s friends and advisors, who are just as slow witted and materialistic as her, also took to the streets in support of Stephanie. Violence then broke out amongst both groups when Stephanie defiantly told them all that she will not step down as Jim’s wife and she will fight until the end. That violence has continued through today, as many people have been taken to the hospital, homes surrounding Jim and Stephanie’s have been looted, fires have erupted, and crowds have even been shot at the order of Stephanie. Members of the neighborhood have become frightened and angry and are pleading with the government to get involved. So as the friendship unrest here continues, we will wait and see if the governement will indeed get involved or will Stephanie finally develop the intelligence to realize that nobody really likes her and they just tolerate her because she is married to Jim and that they are forced to be silent because that’s their friend. It seems only time will tell as everyone involved prays for a quick resolution of some sort.

New York City, New York - Carmelo Anthony made his New York debut last night, leading the Knicks past the Milwaukee Bucks 114-108. With the crowd chanting for him every time he touched the ball, Anthony scored 27 points and pulled down 10 rebounds in the victory. The atmosphere was simply electric as delusional fans packed Madison Square Garden to see their new star forward who has never taken his team past a conference finals series. “I’m just glad I got that game out of my system” Anthony said in a post game press conference, adding “now I can just settle in, play my game, and lead this team to not winning anything meaningful.” Coaches and teammates were pleased at the big numbers that Carmelo put up against the 22-35 Bucks. They were also pleased with the excitement level that the fans are now displaying, with head coach, Mike D’Antoni, saying that it was “great to see them come out tonight and be so fired up about watching us beat a terrible Milwaukee Bucks team, I’m very pleased with the way they pretended that it mattered at all.” Knicks fans next opportunity to pretend that their team now matters is Friday night against the Cavaliers, who are a league worst 10-47. They will then travel to Miami on Sunday to take on one of the possible teams that will eventually eliminate them in the first round when the NBA playoffs begin, the Heat. But whether it is the Heat, Celtics, Magic, or Bulls that eliminates them in the first round of the playoffs (because it will happen), Carmelo says he’s not looking that far into the future. “I’m just concentrating on playing my game right now, which is to have a very good regular season record, bring excitement and hope to the fans, and then let them all down in April when I take my team nowhere.”

New York City, New York - Sources close to the situation are now saying that Carmelo Anthony was “dangerously close” to becoming a Laker last night. It is being reported that in the final hours before the deal was announced, Los Angeles reached out and made an offer to the Nuggets of a 1996 Pontiac Bonneville with only 98,000 miles on it. Of course we already know that it was the inclusion of a 1992 Buick Skylark that sent Anthony to the Knicks instead of the Nets with their offer of a 1991 Buick Regal. But we had no idea that the Lakers, whose name was mentioned casually in the trade discussions, had become this serious in the negotiations. In fact, Lakers GM, Mitch Kupchak, was said to be so confident that his trade proposal would be accepted, that he allegedly told Denver Nuggets owner, Stan Kroenke, that if he was unsatisfied with the vehicle in any way, the team would return Carmelo to the Nuggets no questions asked. Kroenke confirmed the news of the Bonneville offer from the Lakers earlier this morning saying that “it definitely did not make my job as an owner any easier having to make this decision. These were three fine vehicles on the table, but at the end of the day, I just couldn’t resist the safety record of that Skylark. That’s just a safe, sturdy vehicle right there, not like the crap that gets made today.” Indeed, the safety and dependability of the early 90′s Skylark design is unquestionable. It has been tested and passed numerous times over the years, taking it’s owners much further than Carmelo Anthony has ever taken the Denver Nuggets.

Denver, Colorado - After months of rumors and speculation, Carmelo Anthony is now on his way out of Denver. A deal has been made that will have Anthony calling New York his home and the Knicks his team. How this came to be, however, was anything but your normal NBA trade. For the better part of a month, Anthony’s name was linked with a different team seemingly every day of the week. On Monday, he was going to the New Jersey Nets, on Tuesday, he was destined to become a Knick, then out of nowhere, on a Wednesday, there was suddenly talk that he would become a Laker. Here we are now as the smoke has cleared, the rumors are done, and the hype on one of the most overrated players to ever be discussed in trade talks is done. The foward who has led the Nuggets to 1 conference finals series in his 7 full seasons with the team, but for some reason has been talked about lately as if he’s won multiple NBA titles, will now head to basketball’s grandest stage, Madison Square Garden, to not win anything meaningful. The Knicks gave a lot in the trade, giving up Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey Mozgov, the team’s first round draft pick in 2014, and what now appears to be the most important piece of the deal, a 1992 Buick Skylark.

We are now learning that the Skylark is actually the backbone of the entire deal, as Knicks owner, James Dolan now says that if he would have offered the automobile earlier, the deal could have been done weeks ago. It seems GM Donnie Walsh told Dolan back in January that the price tag was just too high and to stand firm on the issue of the Skylark. However, just last Monday, Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov heated things up when he offered the Nuggets a 1991 Buick Regal. After this, Dolan and the Knicks saw no other choice and agreed on Denver’s demands for the Skylark. Nuggets owner, Stan Kroenke then had what he referred to as an “extremely tough” decision to make. “They’re both great vehicles” said Kroenke, “but at the end of the day, the Regal was a year older and had 16,000 more miles on it than the Skylark did, not to mention the Skylark they gave us is actually the Gran Sport model, so looking back, it’s like we stole from them! Hell of a deal!” So now all of the storylines, rumors, and distractions can come to a close and Carmelo can now join his new teammates for the rest of the season and hopefully lead them to the playoffs, where they will more than likely be the 8th seed and lose in the first round to either the Celtics or Heat

Daytona Beach, Florida - The NASCAR season officially kicked off yesterday, and not a moment too soon for the many obese, toothless, and academically challenged fans that this sport brings in. The 53rd running of the Daytona 500, referred to by many as the “super bowl of racing” (which makes no sense because it’s the first race of the year) got the painfully long season going for 2011. And in his first ever Daytona 500 start, 20 year old, Trevor Bayne, became the youngest driver to ever win the race. It was only the rookie’s 2nd ever NASCAR Sprint Cup series start. We use the terms “rookie” and “starter” loosely, because we don’t mean to imply that NASCAR is a real sport such as football, baseball, basketball, or soccer, where those terms belong. In the hearts of the fans, which the majority of are rednecks from the south who enjoy getting drunk and watching cars go fast and occasionally crashing, however, it is not only a sport, but a passion. And for those fans, history was made yesterday. Meaningless history, but history nonetheless, as we saw a young man who had just turned 20 a day earlier, make his mark as the youngest ever Daytona 500 winner. However, Bayne got no points in the standings for winning one of the biggest races in the “sport.” That is because he is considered a full time driver in the Nationwide Series and, therefore, cannot be awarded points in the Sprint Cup Series standings. And even if he were to convert to full time Sprint Cup series driver, he would still not be awarded those points, as they came prior to his joining the series. This will more than likely bring about some burning questions from many fans of drinking and shouting obnoxiously as they watch people drive fast. Here are a few:

Should he be able to switch to the Sprint Cup Series?

If he does, should he be able to hold on to those points?

God damn it, who drank my last beer?!

Who the hell scratched my pick up truck?!!

These are all questions that will be sorted out in time. As the season moves on, perhaps we will have answers. But for now, all we know is that with only 1 career win and not even receiving points for it, Trevor Bayne has accomplished more in NASCAR than Danica Patrick ever will and she needs to just give it up.

Cairo, Egypt – After more than two weeks of protests against Hosni Mubarak, the Egyptian president stepped down yesterday. The news shocked many, as only one day earlier, Mubarak announced on national television that he refused to resign. The shock, however, lasted only moments, as it quickly led to jubilation for the thousands of protesters in the streets of Cairo. They began jumping, pumping their fists, waving their country’s flags, and even shooting fireworks. Overjoyed that they will now get their first chance to participate in free, democratic elections, the people of Egypt celebrated for hours, well into the night…… They then realized, however, that they still live in Egypt and the celebrations quickly died. “I feel free” said one man. He continued “I feel like this is the beginning of a new Egypt, the only problem is that a new Egypt is still Egypt, ya know? I mean, you ask a thousand people if they could live anywhere in the world, do you really think anyone is going to say “Oh man, I’d really like to live in Egypt”? Of course not!” Another man who was seen triumphantly holding his arms in the air one minute and weeping sadly on a curb oly moments later had this to say – “Yes, we are free. Free from Mubarak, free from the rule of a dictator. But the one thing we unfortunately cannot break free from is being Egypt.” So perhaps the gleeful feelings that this country experienced for a twelve hour period will return, perhaps when they hold public elections for a new president and these citizens are finally able to experience democracy. Of course, here in America, we have experenced democracy for over 200 years, electing our public officials….and look how badly we’ve screwed that up. Congratulations, Egypt!

Arlington, Texas - It was a concern the week before the big game, but for the quarterback on the other side. Last Monday, Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was listed as doubtful to even play in the Super Bowl because of a self diagnosis of masturbation shame. After his MVP performance in last night’s game, however, it was clear that he had overcome this terrible affliction. But as we learned last night in a post game press conference, the MS that Rodgers was able to lose, his counter part, Ben Roethlisberger found. “I put it on my shoulders, no excuses” the Pittsburgh QB said. He continued, “I mean, yeah, I definitely let something fuel my masturbation earlier this week that I shouldn’t have, I was ashamed of it, I knew it was wrong, and it caught up with me tonight.” It would appear that the MS not only caught up with Big Ben, but hit him hard, as he threw two interceptions, one of which was returned for a touchdown early in the game. Rodgers, however, admitted he was able to shake the MS that had been plaguing him this week. Clearly he did, as he threw for 304 yards and 3 touchdowns, something no man with the burden of MS could pull off. “I saw some people about it this week, talked to other athletes who had gone through it before, and they helped me get past it. So now, thanks to them, I was able to play and I now have an MVP trophy and won a sweet new Chevy Camaro! You know how many women I’m gonna get now? TONS of poon!” Another Packer, linebacker Clay Matthews was also able to overcome his masturbation shame this week. Matthews not only played, but played well and had a great hair day. Unfortunately, not every Packer was able to overcome this terrible burden. Cornerback, Charles Woodson, also listed as doubtful earlier this week, made a valiant effort, actually starting the game. The shame got the best of him though and he was injured early in the game and was forced to watch from the sidelines. Woodson vowed that he will now dedicate himself to rehab in the offseason and be back next season, shame free and ready to go. As for Ben Roethlisberger, he did not comment on the disease or any sort of timetable upon which he might be recovered. So it is another season, another Super Bowl in the books. Super Bowl XLV, a tale of one quarterback overcoming the odds and another quarterback being sacked by one of the toughest opponents of all, tougher perhaps than any opposing defense could ever be. But as we look ahead, we should be able to expect a game free of this next year, as Super Bowl XLVI will be held in Indianapolis, generally not a home to this terrible disease. The problem, however, will lie in 2013 when Super Bowl XLVII will be held in New Orleans, which is, statistically, the masturbation shame capitol of the world.

Washington, D.C. - Given the current situation in Egypt, U.S. president Barack Obama had no choice but to finally make a statement this morning. With political unrest at an all time high in the country, the situation has reached a point of extreme danger. Riots are now in their second week and show no signs of ending. Citizens of the country are demanding the resignation of current president, Hosni Mubarak. Mubarak has refused to resign, further angering those citizens calling for his job and thus intensifying the already violent situation. Since these protests began, members of the media have been questioning why Barack Obama has made no effort to get the U.S. involved in the situation. Finally, early this morning, those moronic members of the media who, like so many other people, think it’s the United State’s job to clean up everyone else’s mess, got their wish as Obama made a public statement. However, it was not exactly what they thought they would hear. Below is the full transcript of the president’s speech:

“My fellow Americans, It is not lost on this president that the situation in Egypt is becoming dire. It is also not lost on me that many of you have been wanting me to speak on my stance on this, on America’s stance on this. Well let me deliver a message directly to the people of Egypt, from president Mubarak all the way down to the people rioting in the streets…. Don’t you DARE make me miss any Super Bowl commercials tonight! I’m not kidding! If I miss so much as one fucking commercial, your country will be sorry! These commercials are the best part of the super bowl. I don’t care about the ridiculous amounts of useless coverage ESPN has been offering me the last 2 weeks, I don’t care about the 8 hours of pre game that they deliver before the game, and I certainly don’t care about the Steelers OR the Packers, but I look forward to seeing these commercials. You want to test me? Go ahead! See what happens! Just see what happens! So to all the members of the media, who for some reason, just assume that we have to get involved in this, as if he haven’t been involved in two wars and been spending billions upon billions of dollars on those wars, chill the fuck out! And once again, for the people of Egypt, please, just cut the shit for four to five hours tonight, that’s all I’m asking. You can resume your senseless destruction of property and lives tomorrow, but for your sake, tonight, just cut the shit. Remember: one missed Super Bowl commercial means one giant hole in the ground where Egypt used to be. Thank you, and God bless America.”