Posted on 31 January 2011 by bmar1127
Arlington, Texas – The Green Bay Packers could find themselves in a very deep hole come super Sunday. It was announced this morning that their star quarterback, Aaron Rodgers is listed as doubtful for Super Bowl XLV due to a a heavy case of masturbation shame. If that wasn’t bad enough for the Pack, two key players on defense, pro bowl linebacker Clay Matthews, and pro bowl cornerback, Charles Woodson, are also listed as doubtful due to the same affliction. Masturbation shame is a problem that affects many more people than you may think. It can happen at almost any age, even following one through their entire lives. The most common occurence of this is when one is attempting to pleasure themself and they look at something, be it on the internet, magazine, or even in real life, that is very unsettling at any other moment, but at the time, they think “hey, let’s just go with it.” The person will then feel shame for the next 5 to 10 minutes but then generally be alright for the rest of the day. Then without warning, the memory of what they have seen will appear at very random moments. Masturbation shame has various levels of severity and depending on which level, can affect one’s mental state anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 weeks at a time. It is unclear what has caused this outbreak among the Packers players, as the only thing quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, said to reporters this morning was “I should not have seen that! Sweet lord, what was I thinking? I just….I shouldn’t have seen that.” Woodson and Matthews did not comment, but are expected to tomorrow at the beginning of media day. So for now, everyone in Packer nation waits, full of questions….. When did this happen? Will they be able to play in the Super Bowl? What exactly did these players see. For now, no answers exist. It is safe to speculate, though, that in involves the man they will be facing this Sunday, Ben Roethlisberger, raping someONE or someTHING. Stay tuned
Posted on 25 January 2011 by bmar1127
Arlington, Texas - The Black Eyed Peas concert on February 6 at Cowboys Stadium will now feature a special performance by the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers. The group, who is on tour supporting their latest terrible album, “The Beginning” announced back in September that they would be playing the show that will be televised by Fox. “We’re very excited that so many people want to see us perform live, that a network like Fox would want to televise it” said female member, Fergie, who looks attractive 30 percent of the time and like a hideous ghoul the other 70. “This is going to be amazing” said another terrible member of the group who calls himself “Will.I.Am” He went on to say that “Just think, 100 million people worldwide will be tuning in to hear us showcase our lack of talent! Now, I can’t give away which shitty songs we will be playing, but we have a large selection of god awful songs available, songs like “My Humps” or “Boom Boom Pow” or even our latest piece of shit, “The Time(Dirty Bit)” He continued, “We thought to ourselves that we really wanted to kick this concert up a notch, so we thought that out of all those tens of millions of people who will be tuning in just to see us, surely a few of them like football as well. So we decided to have 2 football teams play a game in between our concert, kind of as an extra little piece of entertainment.” The group began deciding which two teams that would be at the beginning of January. They say that they went back and forth trying to decide, even going so far as creating a bracket of 16 of the NFL’s top teams. Even with their bracket, the band says it still took them three weeks to decide which teams to invite, eventually picking the Steelers and Packers just this past Sunday night. Tickets to the concert have been sold out for months and are going for as much as $3,000 on ebay. However, there are still tickets available for complete morons who want to pay $200 to stand on the lawn in front of the stadium and watch the game on a projection screen. Stadium owner, Jerry Jones, anticipates that it will set the record for atttendance for a concert with an NFL game set as the backdrop.
Posted on 24 January 2011 by bmar1127
Chicago, Illinois – A fake MRI was conducted on Jay Cutler’s knee today and has revealed that the quarterback has a fake torn MCL. A fabricated report was made after the test that never actually happened revealed that Cutler tore the medial collateral ligament in his left knee in his terrible performance yesterday in the NFC championship game against the Green Bay Packers. The fake doctors who did not perform the test have yet to announce the severity of the tear, but will make that part up later today. This breaking news, of course, will be shown on all ESPN channels and labeled as “breaking news for the next 5 to 6 hours as the network for some reason always does. Seriously, how long can news possibly be considered “breaking”?
Posted on 24 January 2011 by bmar1127
Chicago, Illinois - Although it was third string QB, Caleb Hanie, who threw a game ending interception with less than a minute to go yesterday, the Chicago Bears and the NFL have announced that Jay Cutler will be credited with the pick. After faking an injury, Cutler left the game early in the third quarter, giving way to backup, Todd Collins. After not completing a pass on four attempts, Collins was pulled in favor of Hanie, a third year QB out of Colorado State, that most people likely did not even know about until yesterday. As Cutler STOOD on the sidelines with a supposed knee injury, not sat, not kept the knee elevated, but STOOD, Hanie completed 13 of 20 passes and led the Bears on two scoring drives. The comeback would then fall just short as Hanie’s last pass of the day was intercepted by Sam Shields with 37 seconds left. Now, less than 24 hours later, the league has announced that they have decided that the interception was actually not thrown by Hanie, but by Cutler. NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, made the announcement, stating that Cutler’s final numbers will still show he was 8 of 14, as he was when he left in the third quarter, but will also show that he threw 2 interceptions instead of the 1 he had upon his early exit. When asked why the decision was made, Goodell responded “Just look at the guy, look at his face and tell me he doesn’t deserve to have everything negative happen to him! Besides, given Jay Cutler’s history, do you really believe that if he stayed in, he wouldn’t have thrown that interception anyway?!” Despite Cutler’s extremely douche bag face, his arrogance, his undeserved sense of accomplishment, and the fact that he faked an injury simply so he wouldn’t have to keep playing at his usually pathetic level, teammates and his head coach have come to his defense. Linebacker, Brian Urlacher has said that Cutler is “one of the toughest guys on our team” while safety Chris Harris told ESPN that “He plays with diabetes everyday, so if that’s not tough, I don’t know what is.” A fake MRI has been scheduled for early Monday morning and a fabricated result will most likely be given then. Whatever the result, many Bears fans, along wtih most other football fans in the world are thinking the same thing at this time….”I sure hope that diabetes gets the best of Jay Cutler sooner rather than later.”
Posted on 19 January 2011 by bmar1127
Oakland, California - The corpse of Al Davis, the owner of the Oakland Raiders, was brought into a press conference yesterday to introduce the latest head coach of the team. Hue Jackson, who was offensive coordinator for the Raiders last season, is the latest coach of the team after the firing of Tom Cable earlier this month. Al Davis, who has secretly been dead for 4 years, spoke glowingly of the new coach after they brought in his corpse, propped him up in a chair and manipulated his movements with an elaborate set of strings, similar to that of a marionette. A voice that sounded like Davis played over the PA as his corpse’s mouth was moved by the strings from above the stage. “The fire in Hue will set a flame that will burn for a long time in the hearts of Raider Nation” the message stated. It should be noted that the current “Raider Nation” consists of only 7 people, as most fans just gave up after seeing JaMarcus Russell play. Jackson is the 7th Raiders head coach since 1998 and the 17th in franchise history. The 18th is expected to be announced in the next 2 to 3 years. And you better believe Al Davis will be at the press conference to announce the hiring when it happens….that is, of course, if the organization can continue to keep his lifeless body somewhat preserved as they have for the past 4 years.
Posted on 14 January 2011 by bmar1127
New City, New York - Lawrence Taylor has pleaded guilty to two misdemeaneors, sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. Taylor Was arrested on May 6 of last year after having sex with a 16 year old prostitute in Montebello, New York. He was later indicted on charges of third degree rape, child endangerment, sexual abuse and patronizing a prostitute. He was facing up to four years in prison for the charges, but thanks to his plea deal yesterday, along with the fact that he is an NFL legend and has plenty of money, he will only receive six years probation and serve absolutely no jail time. The former New York Giant linebacker maintained that he did not know the girl was only 16 and that she had told him she was 19. As Taylor and his attorney, Arthur Aidala, left the courthouse, the question was posed to Aidala if he believed his client’s argument, he simply responded “shit no!” and left the courthouse. The judge in the trial, William Kelly, was later asked if it is common occurance in his courtroom that men who face these charges get away with no jail time. Kelly laughed and said “no way.” He continued, “But that’s LT! The man is famous, he has money, AND he’s an NFL hall of famer! You think I’m gonna send him to jail? Not a chance. Go Giants!” Lawrence Taylor then made a brief statement before he left. Below is a transcript of that statement:
“I want to thank God. I know that I had sex with a 16 year old girl and all, but God forgives me and loves me.” (Editor’s note: God hates Lawrence Taylor) I think that any rational person knows that if I was not blessed years ago to be able to play football so well, that there is no way I would be standing here right now, I would definitely be in jail. I want to thank the New York Giants for giving me the chance to play the game and for paying me a large amount of money that allowed me to buy my freedom in this case. In closing, I would just like to remind all celebrities out there that if you want to have sex with under age girls, go for it! Because I’m living proof that if you have enough money and enough people know your name, you will not go to jail. The normal guy down the street from you who has done the same thing, he’ll be screwed…..but not you! You know, Nike came up with the famous phrase “just do it.” Now they were talking about sports, but I say the same phrase can be used here. If you want to have sex with girls under 18, it is ok….If you have money and you are famous. Thank you and God bless.” (Reminder: God hates Lawrence Taylor)
Posted on 11 January 2011 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana - In our brand new category, Ridicularity Investigates, we will offer in depth investigations into some of the burning questions in today’s world. And by “burning questions”, we mean ridiculous questions that we wonder about and hopefully some of you do too. And by in “in depth” investigations, we mean absurd.
Our first topic: Why is Lil’ Wayne Alive?
No, seriously, we really want to know. We do not pose this as the ever philosophical question many of us ask “why are we alive?” We seriously need to know, you seriously need to know, why the shit is this man alive? What purpose does he serve? Why does he create such terrible noise pollution and why are people buying it? Just looking at Lil’ Wayne is an obvious enough reason to ask these questions. First, his ridiculous tattoos over his entire body, his mouth filled with jewelry, and his disgusting skinny frame make this question reasonable to ask. And if his assault on your eyes were not enough, there is the fact that he invades your ear space with one of the most annoying voices ever, sounding like an old man who has been smoking for 40 years. And if his full on raping of your eyes and ears weren’t enough, then there are the actual words he writes. Words that make you wonder why any human would write such ignorant words. The best example of these words has been offered in his latest single, a duet wtih Eminem called “No Love.” Moving past the fact that he sampled the 1993 Haddaway Song, “What Is Love?” best known for it’s spot in the Night At The Roxbury sketches from Saturday Night Live. In between samples of “What is Love?” are phrases spoken by Lil” Wayne that do not make sense, especially to be put together in a song. They seem to be just nonsensical phrases that happen to rhyme. Phrases such as “Fuck the world and get a child out her” and “Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers.” Then there is the confession of sorts where he informs us that he is “married to the game but she broke her vows.” In what appears to be some life advice, he then tells us to “be good or be good at it.” I guess he’s trying to enrich our lives here by giving us some words to live by, it’s just too bad that those words make absolutely no sense, you mouth breathing dummy! He then further embarasses himself with lyrics like “I got the world stuck in a safe, the combination is the G-code.” We then become so astounded by words like “blood gang and I’m in bleed mode” that we become so confused and irritated by what we have just heard that we really begin asking the question that got us here….why is this person alive? After seeing him in magazines, watching his actions on television, and listening to his mind numbing lyrics, our investigation turned up no logical answer, no reasoning whatsoever, as to what puprose his existence serves.
So why is Lil’ Wayne alive? The conclusion is we don’t know, and we kind of wish he weren’t.
Posted on 07 January 2011 by bmar1127
Montgomery, Alabama - Ealier today, Alabama governor, Bob Riley declared that tomorrow will be “Cameron Newton Day” in the state. The governor said that the day will be in recognition of the Heisman winning quarterback leading the Auburn Tigers to an undefeated record and a spot in the national championship game next Monday. Governor Riley invited all fans to join him him at the state capitol building on Goat Hill in Montgomery this Saturday, January 8, to celebrate Newton’s achievements. He then invited everyone to come back to the same location on January 8, 2012 to take part in “That fucking Cameron Newton!” Day. It will be a day to celebrate the quarterback being stripped of the Heisman and Auburn being forced to vacate all wins from the 2010 season and the program being put on probation when the NCAA finally rules that the quarterback lied about not knowing that his father, Cecil Newton solicited money for his son’s signature to play at the school….. Although this day will techincally be more for fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide.
Posted on 05 January 2011 by bmar1127
Nashville, Tennessee – There is great confusion and uncertainty around Nashville right now, and it all revolves around the future of the Tennessee Titans. Will head coach Jeff Fisher be back next season? If he is, quarterback Vince Young most likely will not be, and vice versa. At first glance, you would think the decision would be clear: You have a coach who is the longest tenured coach in the league and has taken the team to the super bowl vs a QB who has been in the league for 5 years and is averaging just over 8 passing touchdowns a year. However, nothing is clear here thanks to the biggest battle of all: dementia. This is clearly what Titans owner Bud Adams suffers from. His fascination with Vince Young, due to the fact his home in the Houston area is also the home town of Vince Young, does not allow Adams to see this as a clear matter whatsoever. He has looked past an apparent nervous breakdown Young suffered in the opening game of the 2008 season when he was booed by fans for a terrible performance in a game against the Jaguars. He injured his knee in the same game. Reports surfaced later that no one could find Young and many were concerned he was thinking of taking his life. Although these reports were later stated to be false, so were the reports he scored a 6 on his wonderlic test at the NFL combine. It is easy to tell, however, that report was true simply by looking at the mouth breathing dummy. The latest reported meltdown occured just this past season in a game against the Redskins when Young, once again, was booed for his performance, motioned to the crowd to “bring it on”, was benched, and then threw half of his uniform into the stands on the way to the locker room. Once in the locker room, Young yelled at Fisher when he was told to be quiet and stormed out of the facility. Both player and coach felt angry and disrespected by the actions that day and here we are almost 2 months later , the same feelings of anger and disrespect still in the air. Neither Fisher nor Young have spoken on the matter again….until yesterday. When asked by a reporter, Vince Young admitted that he “hates Jeff Fisher and cannot stand the sight of him.” However, his other personality, who is apparently named Kyle, then said he “loves the coach as a person, a coach, and an owner of a very handsome moustache.” So it would seem that a very strange situation has just gotten even more strange. Vince Young is apparently nuts, has 2 personalities (one of whom finds Fisher’s moustache handsome?) Bud Adams is a senile 88 year old man who flips off fans and has a creepy infatuation with Young (see his Christmas card in above photo) All of this, coupled with the fact that running back Chris Johnson, who suffers from tourettes, recently yelled “UP YOURS SON OF A BITCH!” to an old lady who was just asking him what time it was, truly make the Tennessee Titans one of the most interesting and confusing teams in the NFL right now.