Minneapolis, Minnesota - NFL VP of security, Milton Ahlerich, met with Brett Favre last week to investigate the accusations that the Vikings quarterback sent voice mails, texts, and obscene picture texts to  former NFL employee, Jenn Sterger. Although it should be noted that the term “NFL employee” is used loosely here, because the person is in question is Jenn Sterger, who was simply a hot girl with large breasts who wore tight clothing, so was therefore hired as gameday host for the New York Jets. Sterger has claimed that Favre, who was QB for the Jets at the time Sterger “worked” for them, sent her picture texts of his penis. When Ahlerich met with Favre, he had audio recordings of the voice mails on Sterger’s phone, along wtih copies of messages sent to her on myspace, and pictures of the penis that Favre is alleged to have sent her. During the 2 hour meeting, Favre admitted to sending the woman voice mails, but denied ever sending the racy pictures. In fact, after he saw the pictures, Favre became enraged, yelling “Look at the thing! Look how small that is! I’m Brett Favre, I got a huge dick!” After calming down, Favre told the VP of security that he believes he has been framed, that someone else sent those pictures and said they were from him. When asked who he thought would do such a thing, the quarterback had 3 suspects he believes could have done it. “First of all, Aaron Rodgers” said Favre. “Yeah, that limp dick is probably still jealous that he will never do the things I did in Green Bay. Plus I’ve studied him in the shower when we were playing together, so I know he aint got much, just like in this picture.” An uncomfortable Ahlerich asked him what he meant by he had “studied” Rodgers in the shower, to which Favre replied “Nevermind, moving on to suspect 2… Brad Childress. Yeah, this has Childress written all over it, everything about that guy is flaccid. Plus he’s still mad because he actually hasn’t called a play since September of 2009. See, our opening game when I first got here, he called 2 offensive plays, I didn’t like em, so I walked over to him and broke that little headset of his. When you see him talking into that thing, just know that it’s all for show, he aint really talking to anyone because the thing hasn’t worked since that day when I took it off his head and stomped the piss out of it.” After several moments of awkwardness where no words were spoken, Favre named his third and final suspect, former Miami Dolphins quarterback, Dan Marino. Favre’s explanation of why Marino would be a suspect was simple. “First of all, I broke his touchdown record, and second, he aint got no super bowl ring, I do.” Favre then admitted something he had previously never told anyone else about, saying that he once put his super bowl ring on his penis and sent a picture of it to Marino. Ahlerich chuckled at this, however, telling Favre that people do such things when theyr’e young and asked when he sent the picture to Marino. “That was last Tuesday” Favre replied. Ahlerich, more uncomfortable than he had been the entire interview, quickly stood up and thanked Favre for his time, saying he has all he needs for his part of the investigation. As he walked toward the door, Favre jumped in front of him and stopped him. “Now hold on a minute, man” he  said. “Now I just want to make sure that you don’t think I did this, and that you don’t go out of here thinking I got some kind of small pecker, cuz it aint like that! Like I said, that baby dick right there belongs to Rodgers, Childress, or Marino, bet your ass!” As Ahlerich deperately tried to reach the door to escape the conversation, Favre yelled “you wanna see it? I’ll prove it! He then began to take off his pants as the VP of security pleaded with him not to and finally got out the door and began sprinting down the hallway. Favre yelled at him from a distance one last time, shouting “I’m Brett Favre! 500 touchdowns, 291 consecutive starts, and 1 huge schlong!!!!” The NFL continues to investigate the case and hopes to have a resolution soon. They have concluded, however, that Jenn Sterger did absolutely nothing worthwhile during her time with the Jets nor does she now, and  that she continues to have work simply for being a hot girl with big breasts who wears tight clothing

Billings, Montana - Jeff Winston was stabbed by his 2 year old son Tuesday evening at his home in downtown Billings. It happened around 6:00 when Winston was in the living room watching television. His son, Thomas, yelled that he wanted to go outside. When Jeff told him no, the child screamed “outside!” four more times and then walked away. Thinking that little Thomas had just given up, Jeff sat back down. But Thomas had walked into the kitchen, opened a drawer, retrieved a steak knife and came back into the living room and stabbed his father. Luckily, Jeff’s wife, Erica, was sitting next to him on the couch and acted quickly by gently saying “no no, we don’t stab” to the child. She then called an ambulance and they waited on the couch for it to arrive. As Erica was applying pressure to Jeff’s wound and talking to him to try to take his mind off of the fact that he had just been stabbed, little Thomas grew angry that they weren’t paying attention to him and repeatedly yelled “mommy” and when she said she was busy, the child then punched her in the back. “Aw, he’s so tired” said Erica to Jeff. To which the wounded Jeff replied “yeah, he must be…sweet boy.” The ambulance arrived and Jeff was rushed to the hospital, where he underwent emergency surgery, because apparently the knife had lacerated his left kidney. As the mother and child watched on in the surgery observation deck, little Thomas, as if he was the only thing that was important at that moment simply said “I want chocolate milk.” Erica then ran to cater to her child’s want for chocolate milk and filled his sippy cup. “I hate this phase” Erica said to reporters. With a confused look on his phase, one reporter asked “What? The stabbing phase? To which Erica laughed and said “No, you know, the terrible 2′s, he’s such a mess.” Doctors then called the family in as Jeff was out of surgery. As Thomas walked in the room, he said “daddy’s blood” referring to the blood that still soaked his hands from when he stabbed his father hours earlier. “That’s right, that is daddy’s blood” Jeff encouragingly said to Thomas, “he is one of the smartest kids ever, you know.” Erica, sitting in a chair next to Jeff’s bed said “I know, he’s our little angel, isn’t he just one of the cutest kids you’ve ever seen?” Jeff was then asked what kind of discipline young Thomas could expect when they got home, not knowing how you deal with a situation like this. Jeff said there would definitely be no spanking, because they don’t believe in that and that “it was only a lacerated kidney, no reason to spank for that.” But he did say there will definately be a timeout given at some point…for at least 10 minutes. Jeff was released 3 hours later and the family went home, but before they did, doctors administered IQ tests which revealed that little Thomas, whose parents said was the smartest ever, was actually just as smart as any other normal child his age. They also brought in a panel of 20 people to judge if he was the cutest kid ever, which his parents also claimed. All 20 concluded that they had seen cuter babies at some point in their lives.

Batesville, Mississippi - While still remaining a 6A high school football team in the state of Mississippi, South Panola will be picking in next year’s NFL draft. Since 2003, the team has compiled a record of 110-2, including a winning streak of 89 games from 2003-2008. They have won 6 out of the last 7 state championships, with 5 of them coming consecutively. Within the state, they are referred to by many as the “University of South Panola” due to their dominance over their competition and the number of quality NCAA athletes they produce. NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, has taken notice, and has decided that with the way this team dominates combined with his sympathy for college players who may be drafted in low rounds and then cut, or players that go undrafted completely, this gives those players an extra chance. “I think this is a great idea” said Goodell, “This not only gives the players more of an opportunity to catch on with a team, but it also offers them leverage. Let’s say you get drafted by the Oakland Raiders, well we all know that no one wants to go there, it’s where NFL players go to die, so that player can then demand not to be picked by them or force an immediate draft day trade. Look at John Elway, he got drafted by a team and said he wouldn’t play for them and would play baseball instead, so then he got what he wanted. Now sure, John Elway is kind of a douche bag anyway, but look at Eli Manning when he was drafted by the Chargers and refused to play for them…..well, he’s a douche bag too, I mean, look at his face! But the point is this…” Goodell was actually not able to finish his sentence because he received word that Adam “Pacman” Jones had just murdered a stripper and had to leave to deal with that. We were able to speak with South Panola head coach, Lance Pogue, who was not as thrilled as most about the news, telling us that “This is good and all, but let’s face it, we’ll never get the number 1 pick because even though we are a high school team, chances are we will always finish with a better record than teams like the Detroit Lions and Buffalo Bills.” Coach Pogue was excited, however, to be able to go to New York for the NFL draft next April, mainly so he can meet Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, and as Pogue put it, “stab that greedy son of a bitch in the eye with a fork.” Many of the other high school football teams in the state, such as Madison Central and Oak Grove are upset about South Panola being able to pick 21 and 22 year old former college players to compete against them. The overall response to their anger has been “Why?!” Because they don’t have them now and they are still dominating you, so what difference will it make when they do have those players?

Update: Now that South Panola is loosely affiliated with the NFL, an exhibition game has been scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars for August of 2011. The stipulation will be that if the Jaguars lose, they have to re locate their franchise. When polled, 96 percent of the Jaguars fans said they would prefer the team leave anyway

Englewood, Colorado – If you are a Dish Network subscriber, you are aware that you no longer have FX, National Geographic, or your regional Fox Sports channels. Last Friday, October 1st, a contract between Fox and Dish Network expired and has yet to be re worked. Dish Network is claiming that Fox demands up to a 50 percent rate increase for their channels, Fox claims that statement is false and they only ask for what is a “fair” amount. Either way, the bottom line is Dish Network no longer has these Fox owned channels as part of their lineup. Dish Network provides television to over 14.3 million viewers, many of whom are confused as to why this happened, why they are now forced to miss some of their favorite shows such as It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Sons of Anarchy, and The League. Well it has now become clear exactly why this whole ugly argument has taken place, and the reason has surpised many. That is because what we have not known until very recently is that both of these multi million dollar companies are owned by 14 year old girls. Rebecca Langley, 14, of Los Angeles, California controls Fox and Ashley Richardson, 14, of Englewood, Colorado owns Dish Network. This fight began this past March when Langley, or “Fox” got new braces and Richardson, or “Dish” began talking behind her back. The two had been best friends since they were 6 years old, but when Fox went with Bobby Hanson to the 7th grade dance, Dish became extremely jealous and began calling her names behind her back to a few friends. The feud reached it’s highest level just this past month when word got around that Dish had written that “Fox is a tampon” on the girl’s bathroom wall. After that, all bets were off. The two almost came to blows in homeroom late in September, but were seperated by their teacher before any fight took place. As Fox was studying for her pre algebra test early last week, she discovered her contract with Dish sitting in her notebook and noticed it was about to run out. She viewed this as the perfect way to finally get back at Dish, so the next day at school while waiting in the courtyard for the 1st period bell to ring, Fox took that contract to Dish and demanded that she give up her lunch money for the rest of the school year. Dish refused to give in to her demands and Fox held up her hand to Dish’s face and said “Whatevs” and then walked away. That same afternoon, as Dish’s mom picked her up from school, Fox could not help but hear the Ke$ha CD blasting from Dish’s mother’s Dodge Stratus, the same Ke$ha CD that Fox had loaned Dish just 2 months ago but was told that the disc had been lost. That was apparently the last straw, as the next morning, Fox cut Dish off…..or Dish cut Fox off…..depending on which one you ask. So now, not only is the junior high divided as to which side they believe, but so are 14.3 million television viewers who must now suffer because of an argument between two 14 year old girls..er…networks named Dish Network and Fox. No one knows exactly how long this petty battle will last, but we do know that both networks are expected to attend the same party in Jenny Aaron’s basement Friday night and tensions will be running high