Nashville, Tennessee - Jessica Norton was just your typical 18 year old girl with a diary 24 hours ago. Now she is poised to become the next big star in country music. It all happened yesterday afternoon when Norton was sitting on a bench on Broadway Street in downtown Nashville writing in her diary when a man stopped to talk to her. That man just happened to be Jimmy Planto, an executive from Sony Music Nashville. “I was just walking back to my car after eating lunch when I see this girl sitting on a bench, but I didn’t think much of it because that’s not anything out of the ordinary” Planto said. “But then I notice 2 things, 1. that this girl is moderately attractive and 2. she has a diary, and my first thought was “That’s exactly like Taylor!” The Taylor he speaks of is country artist, Taylor Swift, who is famous for singing songs that were created from the writings in her personal diary. Planto continued, “I had no clue what she was writing, she could have been making out a grocery list for all I knew, BUT I did know that she had a look that many people would find appealing. See, that’s what it’s all about these days in music… The looks! Talent, determination? Those are so last decade! As long as some people think you are attractive, that is the key.” Sony now hopes to mirror the success that Taylor Swift has acheived by following the same formula, for she, too, is a moderately attractive girl to many, but to others looks like a rabbit in the face. She also wrote stories in her diary, mostly scribblings about boys who dumped her, fairytales, and just thoughts such as “I liked Romeo and Juliet.” All of which were then turned into major billboard hits once other less attractive staff songwriters worked on them for her. When asked if she thinks she can achieve the same success as Swift, Norton shrugged her shoulders and answered “I sure hope so. That would be amazing! I’m a little worried though, because I have never sung before, I mean not even once in my life, and I told Mr. Planto that, but he assured me that it’s ok because all I really need are my moderately attractive looks and a diary of teenage lyrics that other songwriters can work on tirelessly for me, and I can be just as successful as her!” As for what she was writing at the time Planto approached her, it turned out to be what she wanted for dinner that night. “That will probably be the first single, said the Sony executive. We can turn it into something along the lines of Cinderella eating chicken with Romeo and listening to their favorite song while thinking about how they belong together. It’s going to be a hit! Remember, she’s got the look!” CMT, Vh1, and MTV have already confirmed that they will simulcast a 30 minute making of the first video that will conclude with the world broadcast premiere of the song.

Gainesville, Florida - Last week’s arrest of Florida wide reciever, Chris Rainey, marked the 30th arrest of a Gator player since Urban Meyer took over as head coach in 2005. The incidents have ranged anywhere from brawling, to using the credit card of a dead student, to texting an ex girlfriend threatening messages. That is the latest incident when Rainey texted an ex girlfriend the words “time to die.” Rainey has since said that he did not mean to send the text to his ex girlfriend, but instead meant to send it to Florida quarterback John Brantley for not being anywhere close to as good as Tim Tebow was. Excuses or not, Meyer said at a press conference Tuesday that he is fed up with the situation. “I try to evaluate everything about our program” the coach said. “It’s tough sometimes because I’ve having to spend so much time with this Brantley kid! He’s nowhere near as good as Tim Tebow, you know? After a while enough is enough!” Meyer was then asked if he is concerned that he may be perceived as running a dirty program. He responded by saying “It’s not a dirty program. We follow the rules and some guys make mistakes and we’ve got to correct those mistakes. If our graduation rate is bad, we’ve got to correct that, or if our players are getting into fights at bars, we’ve got to correct that, and especially if we have a quarterback who is nowhere near as good as Tim Tebow, that’s gotta be corrected too, and THAT is the toughest part.” Meyer then left to attend the Gators afternoon practice. Hours later, he was arrested at a Gainesville area Applebee’s for allegedly stealing a purse belonging to the 67 year old woman sitting at the table next to him. After being taken into custody, Meyer admitted taking the purse, explaining that he was just going to borrow it so he could hide it in John Brantley’s room and call the cops in hopes of framing Brantley and getting him kicked out of school. “I want to apologize to that lady, I was going to give it back, but I just have to do something to get that John Brantley off the team. He is nowhere NEAR as good as Tim Tebow!” said Meyer. After the admission, charges were added to the one count of robbery the coach already faced, and a judge quickly set his bail at $2,100. Meyer then flashed his 2 national championship rings and defiantly told the judge “THESE are my bail.” He was then released immediately, all charges were dropped, and the lady who reported Meyer’s theft has been taken into custody and will be held until January 11, 2011, the day after the BCS national championship game. In a related story, quarterback John Brantley has been dismissed from the University of Florida after police found a bag of marijuana under the driver’s side seat of his car during a traffic stop that same night. There is a bit of mystery to the situation, however, as the bag was dusted for prints and somehow the only fingerprints that were found were those of Urban Meyer. When asked about the situation, Meyer appeared as if he was attempting a shocked look, and said “Hmm, that’s a shame. You know who never had weed in his car? Tim Tebow!” Brantley is now expected to transfer to FCS school, Jacksonville State.

New York, New York - The Council of Fashion Designers of America have voted to award Ed Hardy and Affliction with the 2010 “Douchiest Clothing” award. In only it’s second year of existence, the award goes to both companies because the 360 member CFDA panel was deadlocked at 180 votes a piece and just could not decide which clothing line consisted of the douchiest apparel. CDA president Diane von Furstenburg says that they always prefer to have only one clear cut winner in all awards, but that in the last year, the people who wear Affliction and the people who prefer Ed Hardy have both displayed extremely high douchebag activity. Spokespeople for each company actually seemed please with the split decision, with both happy to win. Said Christian Audigier, founder of Ed Hardy clothing, “This award seemed like a long shot at first. I mean, what do you expect when you charge anywhere between 60 and 130 dollars for a t shirt? But before you knew it, you were seeing all kinds of douchebags wear them as a statement, as if to tell the world that they are not afraid to spend a month’s salary on 5 or 6 t shirts and dip into their savings to buy a hat to match. It really became a phenomenon, ya know? When you wear Ed Hardy, it’s like you’re expressing to the world that you enjoy telling people that you know what “art” is, spending money, and being in shape, because we make all of our shirts 2 sizes too small so you can really display your chest and biceps that you worked out 3 times each last week. Because Ed Hardy customers know that all those other muscle groups are not important.” Coincidentally, Affliction co owner, Tom Atencio, also spoke of how important gym frequenters are to his brand surpassing 2009 “Douchiest” winner, Tap Out. “I walked into a gym two years ago and I just saw all these guys wearing their tap out shirts” said Atencio, “I noticed they were staring at themelves pretty intensely in the mirror, not really working out, but really admiring their shirts, as I’m sure they thought most other people in the gym were doing, so I thought “why not us?” Now here we are and we not only have the guys who go to the gym and think everyone is staring at their shirt, but we also have the guys who wear their Affliction gear to the club just hoping that someone will walk up them and ask them if they are an MMA fighter or something. Now, 10 times out of 10, they are not, but here at Affliction, we believe that if you think you are tough, then you are tough, and wearing our shirts and hats shows everyone else that you are as well.”

Milwaukee, Wisconsin – President Barack Obama traveled to Milwaukee today to deliver a special Labor Day speech. The transcription of the entire speech can be found below:

“My fellow Americans, I hope this Labor Day finds you well. Labor Day…a day dedicated to all of you hard working American men and women who get up every day and go to your job to earn money for yourself, your family, and your family’s future. But lately I’ve been thinking, why is it that on a day that is dedicated to your working so hard, you don’t have to go to work? It doesn’t make sense. Therefore, effective immediately, Labor Day will no longer be a holiday! It will still be observed as a special day of celebration, but from here on out, it will be observed by actually working longer hours on the first Monday of every September. It seems that in the last decade or so, many citizens have lost pride in this great country of ours, taking holidays like this for granted. Well it’s time to restore that pride by putting the Labor back into Labor Day! Now, obviously, you’ve already been off for a few hours today, but don’t worry, since this law was just put into place, you will only be docked half a day’s pay. Not only will this new law help us truly make Labor Day mean something again, it will also help to stimulate our economy. You see, day cares which were previously closed on Labor Day will now be open. Therefore, employees of those businesses will now be earning income they previously were not. That will give them more money to pay to their state and federal governements. Also, there is no reason for schools to be closed! Think about it, that is an extra 7-8 hours of knowledge these children are missing. Therefore, schools will now be back open on Labor Day, molding young minds and shaping our children to one day be productive members of society and boosting their earning potential… They will then pay those extra earnings to their state and federal governments. See? That’s long term shit there! Now, sadly, due to the state of our economy, many of you are not working on this Labor Day. But that doesn’t mean you get a pass! Get outside, do yard work, do your neighbor’s yard work, whatever, but you WILL labor on Labor Day! And as for the bleak outlook on our nation’s jobless rate, I am working hard every day and have a plan to put millions of you back to work! Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what that is right now. I mean, I have to do something big in 2012 so you will be able to remember it so you can vote for me again that November. So I’ll let you know those plans in about 17-21 months. Until then, just hold tight, I got this! I will keep fighting every single day, every single hour, every single minute to turn this economy around…starting in 2012. There’s no quick fix to these problems. It will take time to reverse the damage of a decade worth of politics that caused the recession we are in, but can we do it? YES WE CAN!….. Not now, but after you re elect me in 2 years. Thank you. God bless America. Happy Labor Day…Now go back to work!

 Oxford, Mississippi – The Ole Miss Rebels football team took a hit yesterday when the latest quarterback they’ve propped up as their savior was ruled ineligible by the NCAA. Former Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli, who transferred to Ole Miss when he was kicked off of the team at Oregon was denied a request for a waiver from the rule that a player must sit out one season if transferring from one FBS school to another. Ole Miss athletic director, Pete Boone, said the ruling was “subjective” and that the school plans to appeal…..for some reason. Head coach Houston Nutt spoke about the ruling at a press conference yesterday, saying that he wants to plead with the subcommittee. “Jeremiah has done everything he’s supposed to do”, Nutt said, “you know, besides robbing people and being pulled over with weed a month later. We are in the people helping business” Nutt said in a moment where it was not quite clear if he realized how phony and lame that statement sounded. “There’s no question in my mind Jeremiah is in the right place” Nutt then said, noting that since the quarterback arrived at Ole Miss, coaches have worked on his footwork so he could be able to run away from police, his endurance in case he needs to run a long distance to escape them, and his arm strength so if and when he has the desire to assault someone, he can do so. Jeremiah Masoli then spoke briefly, stating “I’m just shocked and disappointed, I’ve done everything I can to follow the rules.” However, he could barely get the word rules out before breaking into laughter. After which he said “Man, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one, could I? But I still have faith, I just hope the NCAA will find it in their hearts to do the right thing.” He then whispered “They already did the right thing” so the coaches would not hear him. Athletic director Pete Boone then took to the podium. “As you know, at Ole Miss, we view our quarterbacks as saviors. Eli Manning was our God, then as Brent Schaeffer came in, we thought he was going to be kind of like our own Jesus, ya know? But that didn’t work out very well. Then we put all our faith in Jevan Snead, that he was going to deliver us to an SEC title, win a heisman, and look what how that shit turned out! But then along came Jeremiah Masoli, crucified at the University of Oregon but then rising again here in Oxford, but fear not, he will rise again! Hotty Toddy!” As Boone then exited the stage, many reporters in the crowd seemed confused and extremely uncomfortable that he had just used so many religious comparisons, with one female reporter even crying over what she had just heard. Ole Miss officials are now hoping those tears of confusion and fright will become tears of joy, as they expect to learn the NCAA’s response to their appeal by the end of next week.