Bristol, Connecticut – ESPN wants viewers to know that  they are dedicated to bringing you the most football coverage of anyone this season. They also want them to know they are committed to not letting you forget that hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans five years ago.  The network announced yesterday that the September 9th season opener between the Saints and Vikings will be preceded by a 9 hour special reminding us of the devistation suffered by the people of New Orleans and how the Saints were able to rebuild the hope of those people, even though the storm had happened over four years ago and most of what is going to be rebuilt has been rebuilt and that the average salary of players on the team is roughly $900,000 more per year than anyone who lives in the town. Saints head coach, Sean Payton, was extremely pleased with the announcement of the special, telling ESPN radio host Scott Van Pelt that “It’s important to remember that only New Orleans was affected by hurricane Katrina, ONLY New Orleans, no other cities or states.” Van Pelt then asked him “What about states like Florida and Mississippi?”, to which coach Payton replied “Scott, I’ll be honest, those just sound completely made up.” He continued, “the facts are the facts, on August 29, 2005, hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, caused it’s damage, and then immediately disappeared and did not travel anywhere else. And now we are very happy that this football team could rebuild this city, not by actually physically rebuilding structures or giving people money, but by allowing them to pay between $53 and $417 to come watch us play.” Co host Ryen Russillo then asked the coach if it is really fair to say that the Saints players, in any way, can identify with what the people of the town have gone through. “Absolutely” Payton exclaimed. “These players were displaced from their homes after that happened too. They had to move to San Antonio for the next season. Of course, all the their travel, lodging, and most of their food was paid for, but it as definitely still a very minor inconvenience. Look guys, the minimum salary in the NFL is only $770,000. Think about it, after you buy a nice home, a few cars, a year’s worth of gas for those cars, some jewelry, and a brand new wardrobe, you’re probably only left with a couple hundred thousand dollars. Now what can you do with that?! So yes, we understood very well the hardships of New Orleans, so when we rebuilt it by winning a championship that no one in the town could really afford to come see, we were very happy!” Van Pelt and Russillo thanked the coach for being on and then reminded everyone that New Orleans was indeed the only location that was affected in any way whatsoever by hurricane Katrina and that the Saints Super Bowl run was the greatest and most inspiring story ever in the history of the world since the beginning of time. The 9 hour special will begin at 10:30 AM on ESPN and lead into the 7:30 PM kickoff on NBC. Both stations have issued press releases stating they promise to mention the New Orleans Saints and hurricane Katrina in the same sentence at least 50 times throughout the course of the day, because that’s what they have been doing since the end of the regular season, all playoff games, Super Bowl, and throughout the off season.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama – In college football these days, it’s difficult for a national champion to repeat the following season. Forget difficult, it’s almost impossible. The Alabama Crimson Tide will be the latest team to try to turn that impossibility into reality this season. And head coach Nick Saban, entering his fourth season as head coach of the Tide, knows the dangers his team will face in the quest for their second consecutive perfect season. There are the obvious – loss of key players to the draft, injuries, teams hungry to prove themselves against the recent NCAA champ, luck, and even just good old superstition. That’s right, superstition played a large part in the Crimson Tide’s national championship run in 2009. As we saw in the ESPN special “Training Days”, before every game last year, Saban’s daughter, Kristen, gave him a penny, which he considered his lucky penny. This season, Saban has decided to take it a step further to keep his team motivated to keep winning. He has decided to forego the penny and go straight to the source: his daughter. In a move that many are questioning, the coach will be offering his daughter on a game by game basis to the player who turns in a star performance, provided they win that day. The player will then take posession of Kristen Saban until the following Friday afternoon to have her cook for them, clean their house, cut their grass, whatever tasks the player needs done. By the way, I know what you’re thinking, and no, those tasks DO NOT include sex. Coach Saban was quick to make that rule, and said only “hand stuff” will be allowed…unless you’re Mark Ingram. “That boy won a heisman” said Saban, “he can do what he wants.” Many Alabama fans are questioning this rule, however, not because they view it as immoral, but because they question how effective this motivational tool will actually be. To quote one Crimson Tide fan – “Aww hell, I thought he wanted to win til he put that stupid no sex rule in there, you think Bear Bryant would have stopped at “hand stuff?!” Hell no!!” Another fan was quoted as saying “Look, we still gonna win every game, but now he done gone and put that stupid rule in there so we probably only gonna win every game by 40 instead of 50. Bear Bryant would roll over in his grave!” A third fan simply shouted “BEAR BRYANT!” and walked away. Dillusional, stuck in the past fans aside, Saban believes this will be a very effective motivational tool this season and is already planning on what to use to motivate his team for the 2011 season. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ll probably tell my team that if they don’t win another national title that year, then Julio Jones dies! I figure I can then make my escape by moving down to Tampa Bay and coaching the Buccaneers. I mean, that’s a pretty easy way of making sure you’re never heard from again, right? Roll Tide!”

Pearl, Mississippi – Mayor Brad Rogers and Pearl resident and business owner Larry Grant are locked into what is shaping up to be a heated debate that has residents of the small town on both sides of the fence. The issue? Land. Grant owns it, the city wants it. The city has made plans to construct new roads to expand the area, but must aquire the land and demolish Grant’s business that sits on it before they can begin the expansion project. The problem is Grant is not budging, saying that the money the town offered him for his land was nowhere near what it is actually worth. The city fired back with a letter stating they will use eminent domain to get his property from him. Eminent domain means that the city can condemn and force the sale of private property for public purposes. Many are now debating whether or not this law is fair. When asked if he believed this to be a fair, Pearl mayor Brad Rogers said “Of course it is! It’s for the good of the city, it’s progress.” He continued, “Look at the 1700′s! That was a great era of progression in our country. You could take land from people all the time back then and it wasn’t even an issue. If they protested, you could just shoot them, case closed, moving on! Those were simpler times and that’s what I think this city needs to get back to. We can learn a lot from our history. Remember when early settlers wanted land that belonged to the indians? They infected the indians with smallpox and took over their land, Boom! Done!” Rogers then looked to his assistant and told him to make a note reminding him to get a jar of smallpox. When it was brought to his attention that it would be almost impossible for him to obtain a “jar of smallpox”, the mayor responded by yelling “ok, fine, plague, whatever, just get me a jar of some disease!” Looking back toward the reporter, the mayor asked “Remember the plague? That killed a lot of people back in the old days. I’m sure after that, there was all kinds of land up for grabs. The point is this: We cant progress until we regress into our past and see what has lead us to this point.” The reporter then said she agreed, but that looking back this far in history to see how to kill people to take thier land just seemed wrong, to which the mayor responding by telling her that he is a government official and that “back in the 1700′s, you would be raped for questioning me.” He then laughed and said he was just kidding, but then leaned in to whisper something to his assistant . The whispers were understood to be “write that down, that’s another good way to solve arguments.” The mayor quickly looked back at our reporter as if whispers of legalizing rape to obtain land had not just left his mouth. “As you can see, Pearl is a very progressive town. I’m just hoping that people will use the lessons I’ve talked about today to make us even more progressive. I love this town and I will do whatever is best for it, and right now what’s best for it is this road expansion project. So if this gentleman does not want to give us his land, then I have only one word for him…..PLAGUE!” He then thanked the reporter for her time and walked out of his office.

Note: Just as this story was about to go to print, word came that mayor Rogers had just declared that from here on out, crimes committe in Pearl will be punished by beheadings and arguments will be settled with a duel at high noon.

Kirkuk, Iraq – President Barrack Obama has issued that United States troops begin departing from Iraq late this month, with a full exit by the end of 2011. This apparently does not sit well with the commander of Iraq’s military. Gen. Babaker Shawkat Zebari recently stated that he believes that U.S. forces should stay in Iraq until 2020, when he says the Iraq army will be “fully ready.” When asked why he thinks American troops should stay in Iraq for another decade, the general’s answer was simple – “we are pussies! We can’t do this alone! I thought that was obvious by the fact that we have needed the American troops to be here for so long. You would think that our own troops would be well trained and capable of handling any violent situations that may arise, right? Wrong!” When the point was made that the reason for an army in the first place is to defend your country and be able to handle such situations, Gen. Zebari did not disagree, saying “That is true, and we started out with the best of intentions, but then America showed up to help us out and we quickly realized that these guys are so much better than us that we really got down on ourselves and just started to rely on them for everything. While they were out defending us and fighting  our enemies for us, the only thing we became concerned with was finding women who did not have their faces completely covered and then throwing stones at them.” The Iraqi general, who is also afraid of the dark and thunder, went on to say that he understood by telling American politicians that he needed troops to stay in his country for another decade, that he may very well be seen as weak and possibly even a coward, he seemed strangely ok with it. “I’m not going to argue that. I mean, an army general who basically says “We need America because we can’t do shit” …Of course I’m weak, and I dont just mean on the battle field…I have not satisfied my wife ever. The only reason she married me in the first place is that it was arranged by her family, because that’s how it works over here.” It should be noted that at that moment, the sky lit up by lightning and general Zebari, thinking it may have been a bomblast, let out an extremely high pitch shreek and dove under his cot. After he realized it was only lightning, he emerged from under his sleeping quarters and said “Great, that’s gonna give me nightmares tonight.” He then asked the two interviewers if he could sleep in their bed tonight. When told no, he immediately threw himself to the ground and started crying, all the while flailing his arms and legs wildly. When the reporters finally gave in and told him he could bunk with them, he stood up and said “Good, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an army to lead…after the U.S. takes care of the important stuff, that is.” He then walked out of the Iraqi army headquarters, apparently saw his shadow on the wall, and was heard screaming “I don’t want to die!”

Los Angeles, California – Like countless other people in the world, you probably have wondered why exactly Kim Kardashian is famous.  And like countless other people in the world, you probably have still not come up with an answer. Well here’s the secret we found out yesterday – not even Kardashian herself knows. In fact, she says that the question has actually caused her many sleepless nights. “To be on tv, movies, magazines, and make millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing can be confusing” Kardashian told us. “I’m being honest when I say that it has kept me up at night, then I wake up with these icky bags under my eyes, but luckily, I’m able to go straight to the plastic surgeon and get those taken care of. It gets pretty expensive though, I mean, that’s a lot of money that I didn’t do anything to get.” A sex tape featuring Kardashian and ex boyfriend, R&B singer Ray J, was released in 2007. It is speculated that this tape is solely responsible for lauching her career that has so very unfortunately been forced upon us. Kardashian, however, still denies having known the tape even existed, despite a scene that was erased from the version sold in adult stores, where Kardashian asks her then boyfriend “We are going to make money when we sell this, right? I am going to be famous, aren’t I? I mean, I didn’t get my butt, breasts, and lips filled with silicone, my tummy tucked, and get an eye lift and nose job for nothing!” Kardashian did confess that she has indeed had all of that work done, and that it has “really paid off because now I get paid to tell people I use Quick Trim diet pills.” She then paused before saying “sometimes, it’s fun to lie.” The interview was then cut short because Kardashian had to leave to film her tv show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which unexplainably has been on for 4 seasons now. She then left with the one of the show’s producers, Ryan Seacrest, who also is famous for not really doing anything worthwhile, although he is the host of American Idol….but it is also perplexing as to why a show as terrible as this  exists as well. We eventually gave up on this story because it all hurt our heads just a little too god damn much!

Los Angeles, California – It’s tough to become a successful band or musician these days. Breaking into the business seems harder than ever. And if you do break in, once you sign that record deal, you run into the fact that record sales are down due to the popularity of digital downloads. So how can the aspiring artist or group of artists make it into today’s difficult musical climate? Based on recent trends, it seems that you just need to follow these steps:

1. Have a lot of hate in you

It could be hate from any place you want: An ex girlfriend, a terrible boss, parents, you name it. Of the three, the most popular in music these days seems to be anger at the parents, especially the father. Look at bands like Slipknot, Mudvayne, and Five Finger Death Punch, just to name a few. You think those guys like their fathers? No way! So be sure to focus on one tiny little thing your parents did that you thought was wrong when you were growing up, and then…                                                                                                                                                                                       

2. Never learn to let anything go

Take that memory of how your father “wronged you.” Maybe he didn’t buy you that toy you wanted one time. Maybe when you turned sixteen, he only gave you a car that was five years old but you really wanted a new one. You think bands like Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold got the toys or the brand new car they wanted when they were young? Not on your life! And not only did they master the craft of holding onto those “painful” memories for all these years but they perfected the third step….

3. Scream your pain

The louder the better! It doesn’t matter if no one can really understand your lyrics, or that they’re drowned out by the terrible music that you have put with them, as long as you are displaying your personal anguish! Sure, some bands can get by on singing lyrics you can understand and making decent music. But why leave that to chance?! You want to make it onto the radio(especially rock radio)? Then you scream about pain, anger, and suffering! You think a band like Papa Roach wastes their time NOT singing about such things? You got a lot to learn!

4. Be prepared to sell out

It may be tough to hear, but it’s true. One style of music may not work for you forever. Sure, the bands mentioned in this article have found a great deal of success by following the previously mentioned steps, and that success has lasted longer than it ever should have. But if you find that the style of music and the words you are writing have left you with decreasing record sales, then change everything. It doesn’t matter if you truly believe in what you are writing or playing, as long as it sells. You think a band like Green Day hasn’t completely sold out at least once in their lives? Get out of town! Of course they have! Follow their lead….Keep an eye on what is trendy, then start doing it, things like wearing guyliner(that’s eyeliner on guys), paint your fingernails, begin styling your hair, write songs about politics and such, things you had never previously done, but now do to stay relevant!

So there you go. There are ways to make it in today’s musical landscape. Hopefully you can put these steps to use and become more successful than you ever dreamed. And once you do find success, enjoy it, but please, once there, remember to follow step 6….

6. Dont be like Aerosmith, Metallica, AC/DC, and The Rolling Stones….realize when you need to go away!

Washington, D.C. – Here on Friday, the U.S. Senate approved bill DB1132, also known as the “anti douchebag” bill. The measure now makes it completely legal to hunt douchebags as long as you have filed the necessary paperwork and have been issued a permit to do so. The bill, which easily passed by a vote of 71-28, will span a wide variety of douches that will now be considered fair game. It includes the “club douche”, “art douche”, “music and film critic douche”, and the “party show-off douche.” The bill, however, did not pass without controversy. A large group of males ages 19-32 clothed in plaid shorts, pink polos, and white visors with gelled hair poking through the top protested outside the senate building as the voting took place inside. 23 year old Zach Manning, wearing a black wife beater shirt and a straight bill Boston Red Sox hat with the sticker still on it spoke the loudest of the group, yelling repeatedly that “this ain’t fair, yo” and “Ya’ll are just hatin.” On the other end of the debate was Sen. John Cornyn(R-TX), who’s state will be affected the most by this bill, especially in the heavily douche populated Dallas, stated “This measure was long overdue! Douchebags have affected our society far too long and now we can take the proper steps to eliminate them.” The bill will now be sent to president Barrack Obama and will officially be put into law when he signs it Monday morning. That is also the moment that applications for douchebag hunting permits will be accepted. Certain cities are expected to take longer to issue the permits, however, due to the extreme amount of douchebags that populate their area. The cities affected the most are expected to be Dallas, Miami, New York City, San Francisco, and wherever the cast members of the Jersey Shore happens to be at any particular moment.

Hattiesburg, Mississippi – For the better part of a decade now, at the end of each NFL season, there seems to be one question that is asked by just about every owner, player, and fan – Will Brett Favre retire? He seemingly answered that question in March of 2008 when he did indeed announce his retirement from the game of football. Less than six months later, he was back on the field as the quarterback of the New York Jets. After one season with the team and another off season of speculation, he retired again. Later that year, he was back on the field, this time with the  Minnesota Vikings. Despite enjoying one of the best statistical seasons of his career, the question of retirement again crept into the head of the quarterback and into the minds and televisions of just about everyone. But thanks to a bizarre week involving reports on Tuesday that Favre had texted teammates that he would be retiring, followed by an announcement from the front seat of his diesel truck that he did not send the reported texts and that he would play if healthy, the question has become even more burning. That is, until last night, when Brett Favre officially announced that he has decided to retire in 2011. “March 1, 2011″ the 19 year NFL veteran announced while standing in the bed of his cousin’s Toyota Tacoma 4×4 pick up truck holding a shotgun in one hand and a baseball bat with the words “Huntin Stick” spray painted on one side. He continued…”By then I will be 41 years old and ready to take some time off. I’ll be un retiring later that year and playing for the San Francisco 49ers. By the time that season ends, that will put me at 42 years old, definately time to call it quits on February 21, 2012. I’ll probably only come back for about half of the next season though, you know, to  preserve some arm strength, because I really want to be able to give the Dolphins everything I have when I announce that I’ll be returning to the NFL again and heading down to Miami. Beautiful city, plus I just wanna stick it to that asshole Marino one more time by further destroying his record…with his own team.” Favre then abruptly concluded the interview/hunting expedition by firing off a couple of rounds at some squirrels he saw and telling his cousin in the drivers seat of the truck to “haul ass, boy!” So it seems that the burning question on everyone’s mind has been answered. Will Brett Favre retire? Yes…. In 2011…and 2012…and again in 2013…. and as Favre then told us when he contacted us just as this story was being posted, “shit, maybe 2014 too.”

Carlsbad, California – It is a fact of life for stars these days that everyone wants to know as much about you as possible. This is as true for sports stars as it is musicians or actors. Upper Deck realizes this and has now become the first trading card company to offer football girlfriend trading cards. Now you wont have to spend time wondering who your favorite players are dating, you can just open a pack of trading cards. Not only will the cards feature the picture and name of a particular girlfriend or wife, but the back of each card will contain career statistics. But unlike the player cards which feature information like attempts, yards, and touchdowns, the new Upper Deck football girlfriend cards will feature stats such as bust size, waist size, number of sexual partners in her career, and how much money she will be demanding when she eventually divorces the current player she is dating. Each pack will feature 12 cards and will retail for $3.99. Collecting girlfriend cards for each of your favorite players may take longer than conventional football cards, however, due to the fact that many players may have more than one girlfriend

Hill Valley, California – Singer Marty McFly said yesterday that his band, The Pinheads, will be reuniting and going on tour this fall. Surrounded by his father, George, mother Lorraine, and longtime girlfriend, Jennifer, the announcement was made at a noon press conference outside the Twin Pines mall. “It’s a little scary” McFly said about the prospect of playing in front of audiences again. “We haven’t played together since 1985 when we auditioned to play at our high school dance here in Hill Valley. First, we were turned down for that gig, then our old principal said we were slackers, and I guess we never really could get past all that negativity.” After the breakup, McFly went on to a moderately successful solo career, playing school dances such as the “Enchantment Under The Sea” dance. His career, however, was put on hold when his longtime friend and manager, Emmit “Doc” Brown was tragically killed in 1993. Fighting back tears, McFly spoke very little about the incident in which Brown was killed by Libyan nationalists whom he had stolen plutonium from. McFly apologized for his tears, but then told us that the memory of “Doc” still lives on in his music, and that it has inspired him to write a handfull of new songs. “Maybe it’s a blessing, ya know?” said McFly. “Because before these songs, all we knew how to play was “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and The News and “Johnny B. Goode” by Chuck Berry. But hey, that’s more songs than our opening band knows, so we’ll be ok.” The opening band he speaks of is Zack Attack, a five piece rock band who originally formed at nearby Bayside High School, but also have not played together since the very early 90′s. Together very briefly, the band did, however, manage to have 1 hit song, the upbeat “Friends Forever.” When talking about the two bands coming together for the tour, McFly simply said that it’s going to be “heavy.” He then thanked everyone in attendance and walked off stage. The tour will kick off in October with an outdoor show under the clock tower at the Hill Valley courthouse and conclude in November at The Max, a restaurant located close to Bayside High in Pallasades, California. Tickets for all shows go on sale next Tuesday.