Chicago, Illinois -  Actor John Cusack, 44, has decided to take a new career path. After an almost thirty year acting career, he has decided to join the world of mixed martial arts. The decision to do so stems from his 1989 movie, “Say Anything”, where he plays Lloyd Dobler, a sensitive man who is a part time dabbler in MMA. Obviously, the first question posed to Cusack was “you do know that was just a character, right?” The actor answered that question and more in a telephone interview yesterday. “Lloyd Dobler may just be a character, but he was played by John Cusack, and John Cusack performed those moves” he said. “Sure, there were only a few scenes of me training in the film, but those were powerful scenes, weren’t they? In fact, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the popularity enjoyed by organizations such as UFC and Strikeforce today  are because of my work in “Say Anything.” It must be noted that Cusack has never actually competed in an official MMA fight, but as he tells us, “I don’t have to break my dick to know how to do it! I know how to ground and pound.” He continued “Not only do I know how to dish out pain, but don’t worry, I can take it too. Remember that scene in “Say Anything” when I was in the ring training and Diane Court walks in, distracts me, and I get my nose broken because of it? I know how to handle situations like that. First I took care of my nose, then I took care of her for making that happen, if you know what I mean.” It was at this point in the interview when we really started feeling a little uneasy and troubled about Mr. Cusack and attempted to change the subject, but the actor was having none of it, going back to the Diane Court story. “Still to this day, I’m convinced that she was sent in there by Dana White” says Cusack. Think about it, Dana White is now the president of the UFC and is making millions, he knew what Lloyd Dobler was attempting to do, what Lloyd Dobler was capable of. So he sends this Diane Court in as some sort of spy to throw me off my game. And it has worked for the last 21 years, but not anymore.” Cusack continued to refer to himself as both his real name and his character’s name in the film, which was extremely confusing until the last few minutes of the interview, when the details of his decision all came together in one long and troubling explanation. “I’m officially changing my name to Lloyd Dobler” said Cusack. He continued. “The rain on my car is a baptism, the new me, Ice Man, Power Lloyd, my assault on the world begins now” which is a quote directly from the movie “Say Anything.” “I want Brock Lesnar, I want the champ” he exclaimed. “Sure, he may be 12 years younger and 70 pounds heavier than me, but he hasn’t trained as long as I have. Well, ok, so I technically haven’t trained since I filmed the movie over twenty years ago, but I’m sure it’s like riding a bike, you never forget. And I haven’t forgotten what Dana White did, sending Diane Court into my life to stop me from becoming the most powerful person in MMA history.” It should also be noted that Diane Court is also the name of a character in the film played by Ione Skye and is definitely NOT a real person. “Get ready to say it, White!” he shouted into the phone. “Lloyd Dobler, MMA champion! Then it’s me and you, death match in the cage” Before we were forced to hang up on Mr. Cusack, he quickly informed us that he has enlisted the help of Curtis Armstrong as his head trainer. Armstrong is best known for his roles as Charles De Mar, Cusack’s best friend in the movie “Better Off Dead” and “Booger” in the “Revenge Of The Nerds” films.

Akron, Ohio – After months of speculation, opinions, and every sports reporter on television going back and forth on what was going to happen, LeBron James finally announced which NBA team he would be leaving in 5 years. In a ridiculously over hyped, unnecessary hour long special on ESPN titled “The Decision” James announced that team would be the Miami Heat.  He began his ego driven press conference by saying “It wasn’t an easy decision having to choose between Cleveland, Chicago, New York, and Miami. I really had to ask myself which of these cities would be the best to leave in the next five to six years. I woke up this morning, and it felt like the right decision to choose Miami.” James will now join Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, who both announced they would be signing with the Heat a day earlier, but did so without having their representatives call for an hour long nationally televised special to make an announcement that actually only took about ten seconds.  When Jim Gray, the reporter interviewing James for the 60 minute special, asked him why he indeed felt he needed such a dramatic way to make his decision known, James defiantly told him “Man, I will make you disappear faster than I did in game 5 against the Celtics!” As he continued his narcissistic, self fulfilling announcement, he talked a little about his time in Cleveland, admitting that he never felt truly respected as the “King” that he is. “They never gave me a crown or jewels or anything” he said. “You ever seen a king without a crown? Damn, man, give me at least a cape, something!” When asked if he thought maybe he was taking his “King James” nickname too literally, he grew visibly angry and shouted “I know Jay Z!” He quickly calmed down and finished addressing the crowd, telling them that the next five years are going to be some of the greatest ever in the history of the NBA. The audience smiled at the statement….briefly, because James then explained exactly why he thinks the next five years will be so great… “Because we will be able to look forward to doing this again in five years. And when it comes time, I plan to make it an even more long, drawn out process. Next time, I may not even make my decision until the night before the season opener, or maybe halftime of the first game, that would be cool! There’s going to be so many options out there for me, I’m gonna have a lot to think about for the next five years.” LeBron then finished the press conference by saying what an honor it will be playing with a player like Dwyane Wade, but said he was a little less excited about playing with Chris Bosh, saying that he “looks like an alien and that freaks me out.” He also stated that he felt it was sad that throughout the free agent process, Bosh seemingly could make no decisions on his own and desperately hitched his name to either Wade or James. “But it’s all good” he said. “We’re all going to get along for the few years that I’m here, play some basketball, and maybe win a couple championships, we’ll see. That’s unimportant right now. What’s important is 2015 when I’m a free agent again.” LeBron then stood up and shook hands with Gray, and ended the session by thanking everyone in the audience and offering a special thanks to everyone in Miami, telling them “It’s always been a dream of mine to leave a team who is a contender, now thanks to you guys, I will be able to do just that!”

Denver, Colorado – Tim Tebow was not your average quarterback during his days at the University of Florida. That statement is true for his actions both on field and off.  During a game, he could take control with both his arm AND his legs. After the game, his first action was always to thank God and his last action was always to say “God bless.” Always spiritual and emotional, a lot of people would poke fun at this side of Tebow’s personality. Well, that side of his personality has now served him and the Denver Broncos well, as they have announced their latest free agent signing, God.  The deal is said to be for 3 years and worth $27 million. “I’m very pleased with this signing” said head coach Josh McDaniels. “There were a lot of people who viewed drafting Tim in the first round as a negative, but now, thanks to their close personal relationship, he was able to talk a game changer like “the almighty” into coming here, so it’s basically like we got 2 players with one draft pick!” Tebow seemed just as delighted as coach McDaniels when he spoke of the signing. “This is going to be great. We’ve always worked well together and now that I’ve convinced the big man to go pro, we can continue to do so in the NFL” said Tebow. “It was not easy to get him to agree to this, he’s always been more of a behind the scenes kind of guy. He helped me a lot in college, but he never really wanted to be known for it, never wanted to be seen in the stands or on the sidelines during games… I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that he and coach Meyer really didn’t get along.” It seems like that won’t be a problem, however, with the Broncos coaching staff, as they have already begun training God, spending time with him at mini camp yesterday and even high fiving him after he had 4 interceptions in an afternoon scrimmage. “It’s amazing” assistant coach Brian Callahan said. “He hasn’t played the game in hundreds of years, yet he showed absolutely no signs of rust out there today in practice. Defensive coordinator Don Martindale also praised God’s work ethic so far, saying that he seems pretty “old school” and that he seems like the kind of player who would “sacrifice everything for you.” The coaches weren’t the only ones impressed, however. Safety Brian Dawkins said he noticed immediately that this signing is going to make an impact, telling one reporter that “some guys create opportunities and some guys shy away from them, this guy is definitely a creator.” Although he worked out strictly as a cornerback here yesterday, it is expected that the Broncos will try God out at a few different positions, including quarterback, which seemed to upset rookie Tim Tebow a bit. “Me and God have a special relationship” said Tebow, “but if he’s going to try to take my spot on the depth chart, I will bury him!”

Phoenix, Arizona – Since local lawmakers passed the anti illegal immigration bill, also known as SB1070, in April, there has been plenty of controversy surrounding the decision.  It has even faced criticism from president Barack Obama, as he has called the law “misguided” and stated that the law threatens to “undermine the notions of  fairness and trust we have as Americans.” What the new law does is orders immigrants to carry their alien registration documents at all times and requires police to question people if there’s reason to suspect they’re in the United States illegally. It also targets those who hire illegal immigrant laborers or knowingly transport them. It was announced earlier today that the US Justice Department is filing a lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of these new rules. Moments ago, president Obama spoke about the lawsuit, saying that “This lawsuit absolutely needs to happen because this new law must be changed. “What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of less illegal immigrants in our country?” he asked. “Less delicious burritos made fresh for people like me and you, that’s what!” President Obama then continued “And landscaping! Oh my God, beautiful landscaping done for considerably less money than the person down the street who is in this country “legally.” Obama said as he used finger quotations when saying the word legally. “What does it mean to be legal in America anyway? The fact that you are allowed work anywhere? The fact that you pay taxes? Or maybe it’s the fact that you pay for your own visit to the local hospital when you’re sick instead of relying on your neighbor who is legal to pay the difference in his next tax filing. Can you see my point”? the president then asked. “It’s that being legal in this country is overrated! I was voted the first black president of the United States and that shook things up. All I’m saying is let’s shake things up with immigration.” He then paused and smiled, saying “Hey that could be a pretty good slogan, Immigration: Let’s Shake Things Up” He then shook a fist at everyone in attendance and shouted “that slogan is now copyright Barack Obama!” He finished the press conference with what he called words of wisdom, but seemed to be anything but, saying to “treat others as you would like to be treated. Would you want to be hassled just because you are speeding excessively at 3 in the morning, drunk, swerving in and out of traffic, and just HAPPEN TO BE in this country illegally? No! Neither would I! And I’m sure not going to hassle these people either, because I certainly do not want them spitting in my delicious Mexican food. God damn, those people can cook! Thank you, and God bless America!

Hollywood, California – Twilight: Eclipse, the third installment in the vampire love story, opened last Wednesday to the second best opening day in history, pulling in $68.5 million. Over it’s five day opening holiday weekend, the movie grossed over $161 million. These large numbers may be good for the film’s stars, producers, and director, but it seems to be bad news for the American public, causing feelings of anger and an overall lack of faith in our nation. “This is just another example of why other countries hate us”, said Ed Johnson of Detroit, Michigan. “We spend millions of dollars to watch a movie about a kid that turns into a werewolf and a vampire who sparkles! Something aint right!” he continued. Sherry Monahan, a mother of three girls is from Boise, Idaho. When asked about how this Twilight phenomenon has affected her, she asked “Do you know how it feels to want to shove your children’s heads under water and hold them there? That’s how I feel every time my daughters come to me and say there is going to be another Twilight movie and they want to see it.” Others seem to feel so frustrated about this seemingly never ending vampire series that they can’t even think of how to describe it, with one man simply shouting “Fuck!” when we asked how he felt that another Twilight movie has made more money than his entire family combined will ever see in their lifetimes. But perhaps the worst case of this discontent came from John Stevens, a 37 year old unemployed former construction worker from Dallas. “I thought it was over after the last one” he told us from his hospital bed. “Then I heard there was a third movie being made, but convinced myself that there was no way that it could continue to dominate at the box office like the previous two.” However, it did, and when Mr. Stevens found out about the movie’s $68 million  opening day, he went into his bathroom to get his razor and cut his wrist. “I didn’t want to live in a country where such a ridiculous movie makes so much money and is the concern of so many people. We have so many people who are jobless, our economy is terrible, and there is a huge oil spill in the Gulf, yet all people are worried about is who’s on Team Edward and Team Jacob? I decided I had had enough.” Luckily, John’s  14 year old daughter, who coincidentally, was wearing an Edward shirt, was home and called 911 when she found her father lying in the bathroom. “Yeah, she was sitting next to me in the ambulance wearing a Team Edward shirt, and that made things even worse for a bit, but when I looked at her beautiful face, it made me realize that I’ve got a lot to live for.” Five minutes later, when he was informed that the movie had made an additional 80 million over the next four days following it’s opening, Mr. Stevens quickly yanked the IV from his arm and strangled himself with the tubing that was attached. Mr. Stevens’ last words were “Please don’t let them make a fourth.”

Cupertino, California – In a move that almost no one saw coming, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced yesterday that the iPhone 5 will be released next month.  Jobs made the announcement on Apple’s official web site. Here is the official statement…

“First, let me say thank you to all of you who recently purchased the new iPhone 4. Technically, YOU should be thanking ME for giving you such a magical product.  With that being said, get ready for even more magic, nerds! The next generation of the iPhone will be available next month! I understand that we just released the iPhone 4 last week and to already release a new one sounds crazy, but to be quite honest, I know that you will buy it. Not only will you buy it, but you will stand in line for days to do so, which fascinates me.  But I wonder just how far you will go to get your hands on the latest Apple device.  That is why there will be rules in place that you must follow to obtain the brand new iPhone when it is available. Please read them carefully.

1. You must be an iPhone 4 owner before you can even buy an iPhone 5 If you don’t already have an iPhone, I really don’t care about you anyway
2. You must attach a large piece of metal to a kite and fly it during a lightning storm. Benjamin Franklin did it and he didn’t even get an iPhone for it. You don’t think you’re better than Benjamin Franklin, do you?
3. You must denounce your  allegiance to your country. You can purchase an app in the app store later that will tell you what country you shall support
4. You may now come to the Apple store, but before being allowed in, you will have to survive a 3 round boxing match with Mike Tyson
5. You must sign a 2 year contract extension…..in blood
6. Have fun!

The new iPhone will do everything that the current iPhone does, but will feature a third camera on the side of the phone, just because. The cameras will also feature a full 2 more megapixels than the current iPhone. I know these aren’t any worthwhile modifications, but I also know that it’s a shiny new Apple product, therefore, you feel like you must have it..…and you’re right! You want people to know that you are of important status, don’t you?  This is truly magic, as it changes everything. Again. And then again when the iPhone 6 is released two weeks later. Thank you.”

Steve Jobs

Pearl, Mississippi – The Mississippi Braves, a double A baseball team, finished the first half of their season in fourth place, but last night, that wasn’t their only problem. The Braves, who are an affiliate of the Atlanta Braves major league team, were down 8-2, when a large swarm of bees began attacking fans.  The bees did not simply fly into the stadium, however, they were brought in by a very misinformed fan. In a statement obtained later, 56 year old Dale Rammage,  of Byram, Mississippi, said he brought a box into Trustmark Park containing a bee hive and dozens of bees.  “I was watching that World Cup soccer thing they got going over there in that South Africa, and I heard this buzzing noise” a clearly intoxicated Rammage said. “I started screaming at my TV, screaming that them boys better look out cause it sounded like a whole mess of bees was coming,” he continued. The “buzzing” noise that Rammage was hearing was, in fact, a vuvuzela, which is a large plastic horn commonly blown at soccer matches in South Africa. When told this information, Rammage was very confused and responded “Well, all I know is I heard that sound and then the United States tied those boys from England.”  Rammage, who was wearing a red, white, and blue t shirt with no sleeves, then began shouting. “I was proud of them boys, proud of my country”! “From what my cousin told me, we wasn’t even supposed to be in it, so I thought maybe it was that there buzzing noise that got us fired up, kinda like at the football games when a crowd yelling “Defense” He then began to drift off into a story of when he played high school football, but was told to be quiet by the arresting officer. As he was then being loaded into the back of the police car, a noise erupted from inside the stadium as the Braves had scored five runs in the eighth inning and two in the ninth to win the game 9-8.  Rammage screamed from the back of the car “See? That there is what I’m talking about”! Don’t matter what you say, I know I helped them boys win that game!  You wanna take me me to jail for it, go ahead, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for my team! Go Braves! Go America”! He then started chanting “USA” repeatedly, but was subdued by the officer’s stun gun. After the game ended and police had taken Dale Rammage away, Braves general manager Steve DeSalvo said “That’s our bad” He then went on to say that even though that man was an idiot, that they should have anticipated something like this happening. “What else should we expect? We are in Pearl, Mississippi and it’s “Thirsty Thursday!” He then walked away shaking his head and mumbling the words “we should have known better.” “Thirsty Thursday” is a promotion at Trustmark Park every Thursday home game where fans can get beers for only one dollar each. The promotion has been canceled for the rest of the season

Las Vegas, Nevada – Former NFL running back OJ Simpson recently made some comments after watching the ESPN 30 For 30 documentary about the day he led police on a low speed chase in Los Angeles after being named a suspect in the murder of his ex wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson, who is serving a lengthy sentence at a prison in Nevada for armed robbery and kidnapping seemed surprisingly upbeat after the show ended and had the following to say…

“I still cant believe I got away with that shit, can you”?!  Watching all the footage of that day really takes me back! It’s kind of bittersweet though, because on one hand, it taught me I could get away with ANYTHING. You know that phrase people use when a kid doesn’t really get in trouble for something he did at school or something and they say “Man, that kid could get away with murder.” Well, I did! Literally”! Simpson’s mood then turned a bit somber, however. “Still, it really is tragic what happened to my clothes I wore when I killed those people. My shirt, pants, even my gloves got completely soaked in blood and were just ruined. But did you see that footage of me in the back of the car when I was on the phone with the cops and I pretended to have a gun to my head and they thought I might kill myself”? They were like “OJ, don’t do it, you got a lot to live for” and all this stuff.  I really had em going, I’m a very underrated actor. But seriously, I should have done everyone a favor and killed myself” he then said. “How many people do you think would disagree with that”? he asked. “Not fucking many, that’s how many”! he exclaimed, answering his own question. As the interview came to a close, Simpson’s words just became more and more bizarre. When asked if there is anything he has learned in the sixteen years since his murder trial began, he offered this: “I have learned that life’s path is just like running with a football. Sometimes you gotta cut left and sometimes you gotta cut right, but ALWAYS take down whoever is standing in your way.”

Morgantown, West Virginia – With all the talk of expansion and conference realignment in college football these days, one school has decided that the best move for them is to just give up. That school – West Virginia. Athletic Director Oliver Luck made the announcement yesterday. “This is a move that should have been made years ago,” Luck said at his press conference. “It seems like real teams like Notre Dame, Texas, and Oklahoma are always going to be mentioned when there is talk of forming super conferences. Nobody seems to want us, so we decided that the most logical step for us to take is to quit,” he said just before stepping off stage to allow Mountaineer head football coach, Bill Stewart, to speak. “Mr. Luck was being generous by only naming a few schools, when clearly, there are so many other teams that are better than us,” Stewart said. He continued “This decision did not come easily, but when we took an honest look at our football program, we realized that we just do not have what it takes to be a national championship contender year after year.” Stewart finished his portion of the press conference by reminding everyone of the Mountaineers’ 2008 Fiesta Bowl victory over the Oklahoma Sooners and saying that that game will be such a strong memory for Mountaineer fans everywhere and was such a high note, that “we have decided to just not push our luck.” Big East commissioner John Marinatto, who was also in attendance, was much more short and direct with his words, noting that when it comes to football, the Big East is among the weakest in the country. He then explained that “When you are approached to be the commissioner of a conference with football teams like West Virginia, UConn, and South Florida, first thing you do is try not to laugh, you then accept, thinking that this will all be over in a couple of years.” He paused for a moment and said that he was going to take some time to examine his life and where it had taken such a wrong turn as to be named the head of such a terrible conference. When asked what his next move would be, Commissioner Marinatto sadly replied “I don’t know, maybe buy a gun.” He then turned and walked off stage, thus concluding the press conference. We then put in a call to former West Virginia football coach Rich Rodriguez, who is now the head coach for the University of Michigan, and is also credited with re building the Mountaineer football program. Coach Rodriguez could not be reached, but quickly returned our call, leaving a message, saying “They’re in the Big East! The Big fucking East! Now, that’s fine if you’re a basketball team, but football? Come on! Football conferences are the same as nature: sometimes the weakest animal just dies”!