Seoul, South Korea – North Korea proved Thursday that just because former leader and crazy asshole, Kim Jong-il is gone, does not mean that they are no longer crazy as shit. The country has made it known that it plans to carry out a new nuclear test and more long-range rocket launches, which it said would be part of a new phase of confrontation with the United States. The news comes just two days after the United Nations Security Council condemned a recent rocket launch by the country and expanded sanctions against them. The North Korea defense commission said they reject the U.N. sanctions, and would proceed with “upcoming all-out action that would target the United States, the sworn enemy of the Korean people.” President Barack Obama has yet to respond to these latest threats against America, but did not seem alarmed when told of this news. That is most likely because he, like the rest of us, know that this is Norh fucking Korea we are talking about. How many failed rocket launches are these assholes going to make before they realize “hey, maybe this isn’t for us?!” North Korean officials must also take into account that they are like the unpopular, not very liked, nerds in school. If these threats are taken too far, the United States (the popular, football player, prom king, douchebag kids) woud likely be joined by many other countries (the underclassman just trying to fit in) and North Korea could find themselves getting fucked where they stand….hard! Though this scenario will likely never happen due to President Obama being such an apologetic pussy, Kim Jong un must tread lightly here. Otherwise, like high school, it’s going to be nerd bashing time.

Washington, D.C. – With thousands on hand for the presidential inauguration this morning, vice president Joe Biden took the time to announce that he plans to begin a new career in professional wrestling. Biden began his speech this morning just like anyone would expect, praising President Obama for being a good man, talking about how much he has accomplished the last four years, how much he will accomplish in the next four years, and various other lies like that. Things then took an unexpected turn when he stated “However, the next four years for me will feature spandex tights, blood, and powerbombs, as I will be beginning my career as a professional wrestler.” Biden then explained how he came about the decision to embark upon such a career change, saying “It’s clear to everyone that I’m just a loose cannon. Another thing that may not be clear to everyone is that I love busting skulls and have long had a thurst for destruction, so much so that just the though of it gives me a murder boner.” Biden then informed the crowd that he will now be referred to by his new wrestling name, Joe “The Joe” Biden as he has signed a contract with the WWE. He then took the microphone from the podium and issued a challenge to the Undertaker. Apparently, Biden’s new character will stay politically themed as he rambled on about how he was “tired of seeing innocent children killed, sent to the undertaker instead of living their dreams” and that “two things are going to stop that from happening: gun control and me whipping your ass and ending your undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!” He then ripped off his suit to reveal a t shirt that said BIDEN 3:16 and screamed “Undertaker, your days are numbered, and “The Joe” means numbered!” Biden then stated he would be at WWE Monday Night Raw tonight and would be “giving everyone a message of what’s to come by whipping CM Punk’s damn ass.” We contacted WWE officials, who informed us that there have been absolutely no discussions involving the vice president, Undertaker, or CM Punk. The company’s owner, Vince McMahon even told us “Jesus Christ, I’ve never even talked to this guy.”

Washington, D.C. - Earlier this morning, president Obama held a press conference to address proposed executive orders and legislation on guns. After he was done speaking and hugging children he cares nothing about, he signed the 23 executive orders. Immediately after he did so, the uproar began from rednecks everywhere who cannot bear the thought of not being able to purchase high powered firearms capable of blowing a hole through something. And why shouldn’t they be angry? It’s certainly not Obama’s business why a regular person would need such a powerful weapon. Though most of the 23 orders pertained to background checks and mental health issues, they did include proposals to reinstate and strengthen the assault weapons ban and place a 10 round limit on ammunition magazines. Only 10 rounds?! What kind of bullshit is this? What if you need to shoot something A LOT? Then what? Officials from certain states such as Mississippi and Oregon immediately sent letters urging local lawmakers to pass legislation that would make such orders from the president illegal to enforce in their states. However, a compromise is expected to be reached, as Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has since stated that he would accept orders such as the one that would ensure health insurance plans pay for mental health benefits, as long as those same plans pay for dipping tobacco.

Washington, D.C. - We saw heavy voter turnout around the country yesterday and voters chose who would win the battle between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. In the end, Barack Obama emerged as the winner and still the leader of the United States for the next four years. The decision is the voice of America, and that voice has said “look, we know this movie is shitty, but we’re so far into it, why don’t we just stay and see what happens?” When faced with the question to either stick around and see how it ends or walk out, voters answered that question with an enthusiastic “Eh, whatever.” Voters were pretty much in agreement that so far, the plot lines of high gas prices, shitty economy, high unemployment, and more, had been terrible and the president, I mean actors were atrocious, but they had become so curious as to how it would all end. After it was all over, America spoke and said that “basically, we looked at each other and said look, we know our country, I mean this movie, is pretty god damn terrible right now and this president, shit I mean actor, has done absolutely nothing, but we’ve already been here for so long, let’s just see where this goes.”

Washington, D.C. - Election day is finally here and in the next 12 hours or so, we should know who our president is – Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. Whoever wins, that unfortunately means one person loses and will probably have some hurt feelings. Many people are voicing their concern that they hate to see anyone upset, and have been wondering aloud if they could just vote for both Obama AND Romney. Many are even asking if they can vote for the independent candidate as well. We don’t know his name exactly, but we don’t really memorize names of people who don’t stand a chance at all. However, even though what’s his face doesn’t matter, some don’t want his feelings to be hurt either and are wondering if they can cast a third vote for president. Official word is that if one person does indeed cast a ballot for more than one person, their ballot will not be counted. We are constantly told how important it is to vote and that soldiers lose their lives every day protecting our freedom to do so. While this is absolutely the truth and we support and appreciate everything those soldiers do, we must ask why it is that they only fight for the freedom to vote for one person at a time? They are risking their lives out there so the government can tell us we get ONE vote?! As unfair as that may seem, those are the rules. So when casting your vote today, remember to only vote for ONE candidate. And just know that someone is going to have their feelings hurt when this election is over. Real sensitive, U.S. government!

Washington, D.C. - With less than 24 hours until election day, many last minute polls are showing a dramatic jump in numbers for Dave Mustaine. Mustaine, the lead singer of Megadeth has been a wild card throughout this race, but seems to have been gaining plenty of ground just in the last 72 hours. Many people seemingly were unaware that Mustaine has even been running for president, though he announced his candidacy back in March. However, many thought he was simply joking when he made the announcement, saying that he would be running as “an ambassador of heavy metal and happiness.” And though Mustaine is a man of few words (most of his campaign speeches so far have simply been 32 minute heavy metal guitar riffs and solos), he had plenty to say at a stop in Seattle this past Saturday. During the speech, he told supporters to compare what each presidential candidate has done for America, saying that “Romney is offering a 5 point plan, Obama has clearly offered nothing in the last 4 years, me? Well, I gave you “Symphony of Destruction” You’re welcome, America!” He closed the event by asking “Do you want the Democratic choice who has done nothing in the last 4 years, the Republican choice who will probably do nothing in the next 4 years, or the right choice who has done hundreds of chicks? The choice seems simple! Thank you, motherfuckers!” It should be noted that he screamed “motherfuckers” in a long, drawn out, high pitched scream as a huge American flag with a  30 foot tall baphomet in the middle lowered behind him

Danville, Kentucky - As tonight’s vice presidential debate draws closer, each candidate appears to be taking a different strategy. While Vice President Joe Biden plans to challenge republican challenger Paul Ryan on what many democrats consider “half truths” that Mitt Romney spoke at the last debate, Ryan will reportedly attempt to steer the debate more towards  abdominal workouts if he finds himself in a jam. For example, if Joe Biden corners him with a question about healthcare, Ryan will most likely lift the left side of his shirt and say “Do these obliques look like I’m worried about healthcare? You know what my healthcare is? Side bends! 10 sets of 15!” But the Ryan arsenal is not limited simply to obliques. It is fully expected that Ryan will counter any arguments over budget cuts or domestic policy by simply pointing to his lower abs and screaming “Medicine ball leg lifts superset with cable crunch!” The stakes are high tonight, especially for the domocratic party, as last week’s first presidential debate was seen largely as a failure by Barack Obama. However, the stakes are equally as high for the republican party tonight to keep that momentum going with a Ryan debate victory. You would not know that from looking at Ryan, however, who at press time, was on stage practicing for tonight’s debate – not by reading his speech, but by attempting to lift the podium onto his upper back and perform walking lunges across the stage.  When asked his final strategy for the evening’s debate, Ryan said he “planned to come out very aggressive, maybe start with curling the 35′s just for a good warm up, then work my way up to the 60′s. You think that pussy Biden could do that?!” he then asked. Ryan was then asked if he viewed the nation’s unemployment rate falling as a good sign for the Obama/Biden campaign, Ryan replied “The economy is still sluggish, ok? It needs to get into shape. Do you think that gray haired, pudgy bastard out there is a capable VP to do that? No! What this economy needs is LESS Biden and MORE weighted reverse crunches.” Secret Service then rushed all reporters out of the building as Ryan was preparing to “oil up” for the debate, which begins tonight at 9:00 eastern/8:00 central.

Denver, Colorado - With election day almost a month away and the first presidential debate upon us, neither Mitt Romney nor President Barack Obama seems to be addressing one of the country’s most critical issues – the lack of a Winona Ryder sex tape. Unemployment, the economy, the housing market, abortion, social security – all of these topics and more have been discussed by both candidates, yet not one word has been mentioned of this nation being deprived of seeing Winona Ryder engage in sexual intercourse. And perhaps even more insulting is the fact that most of these previously mentioned issues are relatively recent, with high unemployment and a poor economy becoming large issues just in the past 5 years or so. On the other hand, the United States has been not just wanting, but needing a sex tape of Winona Ryder since 1990 when she started coming into her own in the film Edward Scissorhands, though she really began looking right in Heathers two years prior (but she was only 17, so that’s neither here nor there.) When Reality Bites was released in 1994, America’s desire to see Winona Ryder in erotic action was firmly cemented. Here we are 18 years later, and that desire still exists. Perhaps between now and November 6, one of these men, be it President Obama or his challenger, Romney, will get in front of this issue and face it head on. Both mean speak of how the United States of America remains the greatest land of opportunity there is. However, as long as we remain starved of a video of actress Winona Ryder involved in hardcore and downright dangerous sexual acts, then how much opportunity truly still exists in this country?

Tampa, Florida - Mitt Romney won big in the Florida primary tonight, placing him, once again, as the frontrunner to lose to Barack Obama in November’s presidential election. The victory was critical for Romney as only three weeks ago it seemed he was a lock to win the Republican nomination as he had an extremely strong showing in the Iowa caucus followed by a victory in the New Hampshire primary. Newt Gengrich then won the South Carolina primary and the race to be the man who Obama defeats became a bit clouded. Since then, Romney and Gengrich have engaged in what some are referring to as “the nastiest election campaign ever.” The campaign wars are so nasty, in fact, that no matter who wins the bid, the Republican party will be the ultimate loser if they cannot get their shit together. Gengrich (who looks like a gray haired pudgy baby) and Romney (who really just looks like an asshole) have waged such an attack on each other, that many do not even know who they can trust when it is all over. Though anyone with a semi functional brain would see that any alternative is likely better than Obama, but….there are a lot of stupid assholes out there. The next stop on the pointless Republican campaign trail will be on February 4th for the Nevada caucus as candidates will hope the picture will become even clearer on who is going to receive the bid to lose to Obama and watch as the United States slips deeper into hell for the next four years.

Tampa, Florida - As today’s critical Florida primary has arrived, tensions are at an all time high between Mitt Romney and Newt Gengrich. However, it is the ramblings of an insane asshole in support of a third candidate that is making news today. Reverand O’Neal Dozier of the Worldwide Christian Center has been in Florida today strongly throwing his support, his nonsensical ramblings, and his Kid N’ Play style hairdo behind longshot candidate (and by long shot, we mean he has no fucking chance), Rick Santorum. Dozier spoke earlier today about critical campaign issues such as taxes, social security, and the fact that God hates gay people. Appearing as if he had taken part in some hardcore drug use before he appeared on national television, he described homosexuality as the “paramount of sins” and that it is “something so nasty and disgusting, that it makes God want to vomit.” In between hateful, homophobic statements, Dozier also took time to make sure that the public knew things like “God is 100 percent for capital punishment.” Of course he is! I mean, it is well documented that the only thing God loves more than hating gay people is sentencing someone to death! Dozier then took a break from condemning people based on their sexual orientation and if they have or have not committed a crime and focused on condemning an entire religion by saying that “The American people will not vote for a mormon to be President of the United States.” And speaking of the current President, Dozier then spoke on Obama, saying God would not operate like him because “God would never steal from the rich and give to the poor. God is not a Robin Hood.” Finally! Someone informs the American public something that we have been wondering for years – is God Robin Hood? Now we know! Dozier further urged the public to vote for Santorum, but more than likely, everyone had stopped listening as they were too confused by not only Dozier’s words, but the fact that any credible television station would provide a platform for such a clearly insane person to make such hateful, insulting, and downright dangerous statements in the first place.