San Francisco, California - Since her involvement in the murder…oh, I mean “suicide,” of her late husband, Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love has kept busy. A lot of people may not know exactly what she has been up to, however, because nobody actually cares about her. However, considering today is the 19th anniversary of her helping to kill Kurt Cobain, we wanted to take a look at what Love is up to now. Sorry. We forgot… Kurt’s death was a “suicide” – wink wink.

Love rose to stardom with the release of Hole’s 2nd album, titled “Live Through This” in April of 1994. The album was released just four days after news was released that husband Kurt Cobain, lead singer of Nirvana, had been found dead in their Seattle home. The album was a success thanks to singles like “Doll Parts,” “Violet,” and “Miss World.” The band continued on and in 1998, when it was clear that she would get away with the murder of Cobain, Hole released another successful album titled “Celebrity Skin.” The album sold well thanks to tracks like “Malibu,” the album’s title track, “Celebrity Skin,” and the fact that Love had become a bit of a whore by this point. Love began a successful acting career, even earning a golden globe nomination for her work in the film The People Vs. Larry Flynt. She would go on to co star in other movies such as Man On The Moon, starring Jim Carrey. Her film career was short lived, however, because of her love for being one big human piece of trash.  Along the way, she has dated big names in the music and film industry, including actor Edward Norton, her co star in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. It wasn’t until the 2003 release of his film The Italian Job, that Norton admitted that he thought of suicide many times while dating Love and is, to this day, surprised that she never had him murdered and passed off as suicide to gain sympathy and attention for herself. She was also linked to Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, as well as Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan. Both men admit that during their relationships with Love, they often found themselves longing for the sweet release that death could provide them. Her band, Hole, would break up in 2002. Love released a mediocre solo album titled “America’s Sweetheart” in 2004. Hole would return in 2010 with a new lineup and a new album that no one cared about titled “Nobody’s Daughter.” Although the first single, “Skinny Little Bitch,” achieved some success on rock radio, the album’s sales were somewhat unimpressive. It would later be reported that, among those who bought this album, 98% experienced heavy feelings of guilt, remorse, and extreme masturbation shame afterwards.

As you can see, Courtney Love has stayed busy since she had her husband killed 19 years ago, making movies, music, and dating – all projects that made everyone involved want to meet demise at their own hands. So where is she now? Unfortunately, still on this earth. Clearly, of the Kurt Cobain/Courtney Love relationship, the wrong person died.

Jackson, Mississippi - As the first of the year has rolled around, many people will likely be joining a gym soon as they have made their new year’s resolution to lose weight. In doing so, they will likely soon find themselves asking the question “why does it sound like a gay porn is being filmed in here?” We have all likely experienced this scenario at some point. In every gym across the country, there is always at least one guy working out who feels that he needs to grunt, scream, and strain loudly as he does so. For example, when this individual is performing a bench press exercise for his chest, as he brings the weight down toward his chest, he may emit a loud “ERRR!” sound, followed by an even louder “SSSS” as he pushes the weight up, and finished with an inappropriately loud, breathy “AHHHH!” which will contain a very satisfied tone. This can be a very disconcerting feeling to anyone who may walk in and hear these sounds first thing, especially if they are brand new to the gym. The situation will often be made worse, however, if the person producing these noises is working out with another guy that may be spotting them. In that situation, the average gym goer is likely to hear not only the aformentioned sounds, but those combined with another man screaming things like “Come on, get it!”, “Push it!”, and “Don’t stop” repeatedly. Imagine the confusion and downright fear that one is likely to experience as they walk through the door of the gym and they are greeted with these sounds immediately upon entry. With most newcomers to a gym, there is already a great deal of apprehension about starting a new fitness routine. Now imagine that apprehension coupled with the complete disarray they are likely to be thrown into during that first moment when they hear these things, when they must pause and think to themselves “What is happening?! Did I just walk into a gay brothel?!!” Do not panic. You are not in a gay brothel and there is not a gay porno being filmed. What you hear are simply the sounds of the douchebags in the gym who want you to pay attention to them as they lift their weights. Do not be frightened. The  sounds you are hearing are merely the sounds of men with muscles that are larger than their brains saying “look at me” and “watch how much I’m lifting”…..they are just saying it in their own special way.

Pearl, Mississippi - In the latest installment of “Ridicularity Investigates” we take a look into why it is that when people walk through the doors of a Wal Mart, it’s like they turn into a god damn zombie. It usually begins with the McDonalds that is located at the front of many Wal Mart Supercenters across America. This triggers something in the person (well, they were a person 10 seconds ago) and they will begin drooling almost immediately. They will, however, continue walking, completely disregarding the puddles of drool they leave behind them as they do so. They then begin to make the sound of a combination of growling and moaning when they look at how long the lines are because, for some reason, Wal Mart builds 30 checkout stands but only employs enough people to work 4 of them, so they are constantly backed up. The hunger from McDonalds and the anger from the sight of the long lines apparently causes them to zone out after that, as they just begin walking aimlessly around the store at incredibly slow rates. At this point, they hold no regard whatsoever for the person behind them that may be trying to get their shit and get out of there (though this usually doesn’t come into play because the person behind them has more than likely suffered the same zombie/useless Wal Mart shopper fate.) In the rare case that there is still a human being attempting to navigate their way through the store, the zombie shopper will sense them and blindly walk out of an aisle almost right into them, paying absolutely no attention to where they are going. By this point, the zombie shoppers have buggies and are much more dangerous as they push these things around with no regard whatsoever for human life. By the time the whole journey is over, you have spent a total of 25 minutes in the store and the only thing you came for is a bottle of shampoo! If you have successfully navigated your way through this whole process, you will then likely be attacked by the zombie waiting at the front door to check your receipt. This, however, is not a zombie. It is simply a human being that appears to have been walking the earth for hundreds of years. As you make it out the door and to your car, you stop momentarily to reflect upon the journey and wonder why it is you just wanted to go to the store and were all of a sudden in a fucking episode of The Walking Dead! Nevertheless, you are thankful to have made it out alive……….. Unless you have gone the day after Thanksgiving and maybe reached for the last xbox. In that case, all this is irrelevant, because you have already been eaten alive!

Brandon, Mississippi – It never fails. Every time you walk into the gym, no matter what time of day it is, there always seems to be that one asshole in there over by the weights. It’s something that happens in every gym across the country that has everyone else around saying “look at this douchebag!” It is likely we have all witnessed this, but just in case, we will describe this phenomenon for those that may be new to the gym so you can prepare yourself. Here are the most common characteristics of the person commonly referred to as “that one douchebag at the gym”:

1. The quickest and easiest way to identify this person is indeed a douchebag is that they typically lift thir shirt up a bit to look at their abs in the mirror. They will usually do this repeatedly throughout their workout. There is no explanation for this action other than this person is a complete douchebag. Seriously, why the fuck would you need to check your abs so often?! What, you need to make sure they’re still there and that they haven’t disappeared from your body in the last 30 seconds?!

2. Typically, this douchebag is going to be wearing a shirt that he has cut himself. Now, many people cut the sleeves of of their workout shirts for comfort, which is quite acceptable. But this asshole’s shirt will be slightly different. This guy just doesn’t stop at the sleeves, this guy feels the need to also cut close to the neck, eliminating a large portion of the shoulder area too, thus transforming the shirt into a homemade wife beater. This is done because the asshole thinks that everyone else in the gym needs to see how ripped he is. What everyone else in the gym really wants to see is this asshole punched in the face.

3. Many times this person will also be wearing jeans during their workout. Of course, simply wearing jeans doesn’t mean that the person you are looking at is your gym’s asshole. You must pay attention to the bottom of the leg of the jeans. If there is a frayed bottom but the jeans are clearly too new to be that way, then chances are we are dealing with the asshole in question. But not always. You see, some people just like to wear jeans to the gym – pretty fucking weird, but ok. And seeing as how jeans are sold already with a fray or tears in them at douchebaggy stores like Abercrombie & Fitch, just wearing them may not mean that this person is indeed your gym’s douchebag(although, chances are they are an douche) BUT if the jeans are combined with the shirt in description 2, you are dealing with a huge douche.

4. A haircut where the front of the hair makes the swoosh over their forehead, most likely down just above their eyebrow OR perfectly gelled hair. Again, we don’t want to generalize and say that every person with this swoosh haircut is a douchebag(most are, however) but the gelled hair – yes! Seriously, who the fuck styles their hair to go to the gym?!

5. Certain footwear could also be an indicator. Most people at the gym wear some sort of tennis shoe, walking shoe, running shoe, etc. The gym douchebag will often be spotted wearing mocassins or clogs. One type of shoe is tricky, however, and that is crocs. Now, if the person wearing crocs is also wearing scrubs, chances are they are a doctor or nurse and just left work and were wearing the crocs for the sake of comfort – this is acceptable. What is NOT acceptable is the person who is wearing NO shoes, lifting in just his socks. What do you think this is going to do for you? Is this something you read in a Flex magazine that said it would give you better stabalization or help you lift more?! Here’s a secret: What helps the bodybuilder who just got done squatting 625 pounds probably won’t do the same for your 90 pounds that you just put up!

So there it is. Steps for identifying your gym’s resident douchebag. The good news is you now know what to look for. The bad news is that after lengthy investigation, we have found that at least one of these douchebags exists in almost every gym in America. Therefore, there is, unfortunately, no escaping “that one douchebag at the gym.”

Massapequa, New York - Last night was a big night for many people at the 83rd annual Academy Awards. There was one person, however, that it should have been a very big night for, but was not. It was announced just minutes before the show began that actor Stephen Baldwin would be receving a special Lifetime Acheivement award from the Academy. However, it quickly beame evident that the actor was not there. Even Alec, the older and far more successful of the Baldwin brothers did not seem to know where to find Stephen. “I really wish I could find him, ya know?” said Alec. “Tonight should be a special night for my brother and he’s not even around? This is not good, but I’m gonna keep trying to get him and I’ll let ya know.” That was at 5:18 pacific time, just before the show started. 3 hours later, minutes away from the close of the show, Alec, who still could not locate Stephen informed us that no one had actually seen or heard from Stephen since 2002, not that they know of, at least. What he meant was that Stephen has actually been working pretty steadily over the years, but the projects he have been working on have been so terrible, that most of the self respecting world have not seen them. The moment finally came for the award to be given to Stephen and still, he was not there. Brother Alec agreed to go on stage and accept on his brother’s behalf, but only if it was untelevised. Why did Alec want it untelevised? Well, as he told us, he “doesn’t want everybody to worry because I have a feeling that if the world were to hear Stephen Baldwin is missing, that there would be worldwide panic and chaos.” Alec then walked on stage, accepted Stephen’s award, and spoke a little bit about his brother, saying that “This award has been a long time coming and I’m proud of my brother for finally getting the recognition he’s deserved for years now. Think about the classic films that he has given us: Bio-Dome, Zebra Lounge, The Flinstones Viva Rock Vegas, Shoot The Duke, 1 episode of CSI, and so many more great great films.” Then, in a moment where we couldn’t quite tell if he was serious or just being mean, Alec told the audience that “When I look back at what Stephen’s career has meant to people and what he has done compared to what I have done, it really makes me feel worthless. I mean, what have I given the world? Seasons full of laughter on 30 Rock, The Departed, The Hunt For Red October, The Aviator, countless times hosting Saturday Night Live? Well, all of that, folks, pales in comparison to the potential my brother had, I mean has! On behalf of him, I want to thank you, and hope that in the future, when you think acting, you think Stephen Baldwin. Thank you!” Alec then reportedly could barely make it backstage without laughing. So as this year’s installment of the Academy Awards is in the books, and The King’s Speech was named Best Picture of the year, we all have to wonder if that award had gone to one of the many other films nominated if only those in charge of the films had had the good sense to cast Stephen Baldwin in those projects. Could Stephen had brought home Best Picture for The Social Network if it were him instead of Jesse Eisenberg playing Mark Zuckerberg, or how bout the mistake that may have been made by casting Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception instead of Stephen, or maybe, just maybe The Fighter could have won if it weren’t for the choice of Mark Wahlberg over someone like Baldwin. Unfortunately, those situations will have to play out in our minds only. So here we are, more than 12 hours removed from the Oscars and we still have no freaking clue where Stephen Baldwin is. However, we’re pretty sure that Stephen Baldwin doesn’t even know where Stephen Baldwin is.

New Orleans, Louisiana - In our brand new category, Ridicularity Investigates, we will offer in depth investigations into some of the burning questions in today’s world. And by “burning questions”, we mean ridiculous questions that we wonder about and hopefully some of you do too. And by in “in depth” investigations, we mean absurd.

Our first topic: Why is Lil’ Wayne Alive?

No, seriously, we really want to know. We do not pose this as the ever philosophical question many of us ask “why are we alive?” We seriously need to know, you seriously need to know, why the shit is this man alive? What purpose does he serve? Why does he create such terrible noise pollution and why are people buying it?  Just looking at Lil’ Wayne is an obvious enough reason to ask these questions. First, his ridiculous tattoos over his entire body, his mouth filled with jewelry, and his disgusting skinny frame make this question reasonable to ask. And if his assault on your eyes were not enough, there is the fact that he invades your ear space with one of the most annoying voices ever, sounding like an old man who has been smoking for 40 years. And if his full on raping of your eyes and ears weren’t enough, then there are the actual words he writes. Words that make you wonder why any human would write such ignorant words. The best example of these words has been offered in his latest single, a duet wtih Eminem called “No Love.” Moving past the fact that he sampled the 1993 Haddaway Song, “What Is Love?” best known for it’s spot in the Night At The Roxbury sketches from Saturday Night Live. In between samples of “What is Love?” are phrases spoken by Lil” Wayne that do not make sense, especially to be put together in a song. They seem to be just nonsensical phrases that happen to rhyme. Phrases such as “Fuck the world and get a child out her” and “Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers.” Then there is the confession of sorts where he informs us that he is “married to the game but she broke her vows.” In what appears to be some life advice, he then tells us to “be good or be good at it.” I guess he’s trying to enrich our lives here by giving us some words to live by, it’s just too bad that those words make absolutely no sense, you mouth breathing dummy! He then further embarasses himself with lyrics like “I got the world stuck in a safe, the combination is the G-code.” We then become so astounded by words like “blood gang and I’m in bleed mode” that we become so confused and irritated by what we have just heard that we really begin asking the question that got us here….why is this person alive? After seeing him in magazines, watching his actions on television, and listening to his mind numbing lyrics, our investigation turned up no logical answer, no reasoning whatsoever, as to what puprose his existence serves.

So why is Lil’ Wayne alive? The conclusion is we don’t know, and we kind of wish he weren’t.