Columbus, Ohio - Ohio State president and douchebag in a bowtie, Gordon Gee, has announced his retirement after recent remarks he made about Notre Dame, Roman Catholics, and the SEC. The remarks were made earlier this year and have just surfaced in the last two weeks. First, when speaking of his dealings with Notre Dame about the possibility of them joining the Big 10, Gee said “The fathers are holy on Sunday, and they’re holy hell on the rest of the week. You just can’t trust those damn Catholics on a Thursday or a Friday.” When asked about SEC fans mocking the Big 10, Gee responded by saying “You tell the SEC when they can learn to read and write, then they can figure out what we’re doing.” However, it doesn’t take that much to read and write those box scores showing Ohio State’s miserable performance in bowl games against the SEC, in which they are 1-10. It should be noted that 1 win was later vacated. Nor is it hard to figure out what they are doing….losing constantly to that “uneducated” conference. Gee says that after taking a recent vacation with his family, he “had a chance to consider the university’s phenomenal achievements and the road that lies ahead for it,” and that “after much deliberation, I have decided it is now time for me to turn over the reins of leadership to allow the seeds that we have planted to grow. It is also time for me to reenergize and refocus myself.” What that translates into is “The people at Ohio State told me to get the fuck out or I will be fired.” Gee also expressed his appreciation and love for the university, saying that “Although I might be retiring from the presidency, my work with Ohio State will continue. So will my love of douchebag bow ties. Though I look like a complete asshole, I will continue to wear them.”

Los Angeles, California - Soccer superstar David Beckham announced today that he will retire from the sport so he would be able to devote more time to being dangerously handsome. Beckham, who is 38, has played for some of the premiere teams in the country, such as Manchester United, Real Madrid, and helped bring a massive buzz to the sport in the United States when he signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy. It was not until his time with the Galaxy that Beckham realized that his handsomeness contained a little something extra. As he recently told one reporter, “Many people in the world are handsome, but there are very few that are so handsome that they are in constant risk of causing danger to themselves or others. That is the definition of being dangerously handsome, and that is what I am blessed wtih, but also burdened by.” Beckham had recently signed a short term deal with Paris St.-Germain, and after 9 appearances with the club, announced today his intentions to retire, releasing an official statement that read “I’m thankful to P.S.G. for giving me the opportunity to continue, but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, with my handsomeness at the highest level.” Do not expect Beckham to simply sit around and do nothing now that he is retired. He has already hinted that he plans on perhaps forming an incredibly exclusive club of dangerously handsome people, and rumors have already begun to swirl that the first call he makes may be actor Ryan Reynolds. This is certainly a story we will be following.

Indianapolis, Indiana – The NCAA announced a few new rule changes this week. Mind you, these were not rule changes on things such as discipline, grades, behavior, or even anything addressing the NCAA’s own crooked employees. They were, however, incredibly important rules like no hashtag in your endzone. Another states that the numbers on a jersey must contrast the uniform color. And perhaps one of the most pressing mattters facing college football was also addressed in these changes when it was stated that all towels used by players must be solid white. Finally! The color of towels has been affecting the quality of the game for far too long. And hashtags? Oh, that shit’s for the devil! The thinking is that it is a form of advertising. It simply would not be fair for a certain school to be advertising or making more money….unless the NCAA is getting a portion of it. It’s really all about the integrity of the game. You know, like the integrity shown by NCAA investigators who are paid by those representing the very people are investigating.

New York, New York - The New York Jets continued to show that they don’t know what they are doing when they used the 39th pick in the draft to select quarterback Geno Smith out of West Virginia. Smith will now join Mark Sanchez, Greg McElroy, Tim Tebow, David Garrard, and Matt Sims as the largest collection of shitty quarterbacks to ever be a part of one team. Smith comes in with great fanfare after a stellar college career. It should also be noted that career was full of games against opponents such as Uconn, Marshall, Pittsburg, South Florida, etc. Smith was a lock to win the Heisman trophy last season after winning his first five games while throwing 24 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. He then threw 5 interceptions in his next 5 games, all of which were losses by West Virginia, proving how moronic it is to declare someone a Heisman winner after 5 games. Overall though, Smith’s star shined bright throughout his college career, as he feasted on defenses more times than not….in the Big East and Big 12 – two conferences known for their shitty defenses. It will certainly be an interesting offseason in New York as Rex Ryan and company will try to sift through this massive pile of QBs and see which one of these pieces of shit floats to the top.

New York, New York – As the NBA playoffs begin today, the New York Knicks will be looking for their first playoff series win since 2000 as they open with the Boston Celtics. Carmelo Anthony, who edged out Kevin Durant, for this year’s NBA scoring title, will look to continue playing his game – scoring a lot of points himself but having it not mean anything as far as the team goes. The Knicks earned the number 2 seed in the East this season, which is basically like finishing just above .500 in the D league. Many are looking ahead to a possible Heat/Knicks matchup for the Eastern Conference finals, which is interesting considering they likely will not even get out of the first round. But as long as Carmelo Anthony scores 30 points a game, that’s ok. NBA scoring titles really compliment world championships that you never win.

Glendale, Arizona - The Oakland Raiders have been anxious to get their hands on some of the new Cool Ranch Doritos tacos. The Arizona Cardinals have been looking for a mediocre quarterback whose best football days are behind him. Both teams got exactly what they wanted earlier today when the Raiders traded quarterback Carson Palmer to the Cardinals for 6 Cool Ranch Doritos tacos and a 6th round pick in this years draft. The Cardinals also threw in a conditional 7th round pick for 2014 if Palmer starts 13 games this season. Since he likely will not start that many games due to poor play, the Raiders are focusing primarily on the Taco Bell. In a shrewd negotiating maneuver, the Raiders also were able to throw in the terms that if Palmer starts simply 3 games next season, then the Cardinals will have to provide an additional 5 buck box from Taco Bell. Given how shitty the Cardinals’ quarterback situation is, those terms are likely to be met, even after Palmer throws 4 interceptions in his first game (hey, who else are they gonna go to? Drew Stanton?!) Most in the NFL have been complimentary of the Raiders for pulling off a bargain move like this. A few, however, have said the Raiders did not get enough value in return. So the question is: Who got more value in this trade? The Arizona Cardinals with new QB Carson Palmer OR The Oakland Raiders with their delicious Taco Bell Cool Ranch Dorito tacos? The answer is very clearly the Oakland Raiders.

Oakland, California – Quarterback Matt Flynn was forced to give up his dream of winning a Super Bowl as a starter when he was traded to the Oakland Raiders earlier today. Flynn, who has started only two games in his NFL career, had created quite a buzz two seasons ago when he threw for 480 yards in one game as a member of the Green Bay Packers. That buzz landed him a 3 year/$19.5 million deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Despite that high priced free agent deal, Flynn never gained the starting job in Seattle when Pete Carroll opened the competition at quarterback, a battle that was eventually won by then rookie Russell Wilson. After the success Wilson had in his first season, the Seahawks saw Flynn as expendable and began searching for willing takers. Enter the always terrible Raiders. With the move to Oakland, Flynn will now have a new chance to focus on the next phase of his life: life after football, which will likely begin in the next three years due to the fact that Oakland is where careers go to die. To his credit, Flynn was upbeat about the trade, though quite sarcastically. He thanked the Raiders earlier, saying that he “had always dreamed of being able to retire as an NFL football player, now the Raiders will be giving me that chance sooner than I even imagined.” He added that he was “excited to join such a tradition rich team that has a history of making moves that seem to let you know they know EXACTLY what they are doing.” He then mentioned JaMarcus Russell, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Randy Moss, Carson Palmer, coach Tom Cable, coach Hue Jackson, coach Norv Turner. He seemed to have many more names he was going to mention, but simply said “ah, Fuck it” and walked away.

Waco, Texas - In a major upset, the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Baylor Bears 82 – 81 in the sweet 16 of the NCAA Women’s tournament yesterday. The loss signals the end of Baylor star Brittney Griner’s college basketball career. She finishes her career only 110 points shy of the all time leading scoring record. Since the record was firs set by a woman, however, Griner does become the all time leading scorer for a man in college basketball. So much about Griner will be missed by the women’s basketball world: her 50 point games, her dunks, her exceptionally deep voice, and her joking around by constantly exposing her testicles to teammates in the locker room after games. It is highly unlikely we will see another player dominate women’s sports the way she did for quite some time. Then again, we may see a fresh face come in next season and begin building a body of work that in four years equals Griner’s. Sports is funny that way. You just never know. The only thing you can say 100 percent without a doubt is that BRITTNEY GRINER IS A MAN!

Arlington, Texas - Jerry Jones wanted to get a jump on his April fools day prank. He did just that last Friday as he gave quarterback Tony Romo a 6 year extension worth $180 million, including $55 million guaranteed. In doing so, he pulled the ultimate prank on Cowboys fans everywhere by making them believe that Romo is an elite quarterback who deserves such elite money. Jones, who is apparently a huge fan of pranks, had been setting up this April Fools joke for months, as he began making claims months ago that Tony Romo is “capable of big things.” Perhaps by “big things,” he means doubling Romo’s career playoff wins to two in the next 7 years. Perhaps those “big things” are not having 3 or 4 interception games multiple times during a season. Whatever his delusional thinking is, Jones and the Cowboys have certainly played quite the memorable prank this April Fools day, guaranteeing Tony Romo $55 million, thus guaranteeing the Cowboys will not win a Super Bowl for at least the next 6 years.

Oxford, Mississippi – March Madness is upon us. The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow with some loose play in games that the NCAA and media want to convince us are “1st round” games, with “2nd round” games to be played Thursday and Friday. Looking past that load of horse shit and knowing that Thursday is actually the beginning of the 1st round, we profile one such player involved in those games: Guard Marshall Henderson of the Ole Miss Rebels. After a regular season full of ups and downs and Mississippi’s shitty local newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, writing about wins against teams like Texas A&M (7-11) and Georgia (9-9) like they were school girls gushing over Justin Bieber, Ole Miss shocked almost everybody yesterday when they defeated Florida to win the SEC tournament. In doing so, they secured an automatic bid and are scheduled to get fucked where they stand by Wisconsin on Friday in the “2nd round” of the NCAA tournament. The Rebels were led this season by Henderson, who was arrested in 2010 when he was caught buying weed with $800 worth of counterfeit money. He then spent 25 days in jail last spring for violating his parole when he tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. As the Rebels guided their way through an extremely mediocre SEC, Henderson was, without a doubt, the leader of the team. And after a breakout season which saw him do things like popping his jersey after beating 3-15 Auburn, give the Ole Miss “landshark” hand sign, which we previously thought was just some stupid shit their football team did, and various other ridiculous acts to try to make himself forget he’s just a white kid who won’t be making it in the NBA, he is now, without a doubt, the biggest douchebag in all of college basketball. Henderson, the Rebels, and head coach Andy Kennedy (who, let’s never forget, shouted racial slurs at a cab driver) will play Wisconsin early Friday and will be taking a plane back to Mississippi mid afternoon after they lose that game.