Jackson, Mississippi – Frustrated by what he calls a “severe lack of knowledge” about his dong, one man has taken out an ill-advised full page article in his local newspaper in an attempt to provide that knowledge. Clearly showing a lack of judgement, Benjamin Morgan, 30, took the ridiculous ad out last week. It reads as follows:

“My name is Benjamin Morgan and I approve this message. I have recently been growing increasingly frustrated by a certain girl, or girls, that I know not displaying signs of wanting to receive my dong. As a matter of fact, I am even MORE frustrated by those that I DON’T know not displaying those signs. And I’m not just talking about those who live in my area that I see while out and about. I am also talking about those across the country, even if there is no way that you would possibly know who I am, you should still at least be informed about the topic of my dong. That is when I realized that the best way would be to take out this ad to provide you with a little more information about said topic. It is good… Real good. There are 19 and a half girls that you can ask personally about receiving it. Yes, I said a half. There was a complication once with some Ambien that I had taken, leading to what I would call a “half bang” but it was just that once. It would just be a downright shame if you did not let me dong you. It is bad enough that you may not have been donged by me already. As previously stated, however, that is likely only the case because you did not know about it. But this ad should do the trick.”

The ad continued, but it was simply Morgan writing campaign type slogans like “You can’t go wrong with Ben’s dong” and “A new day, the same great dong.” He then finished the ad by, instead of signing “Sincerely” or “Thank you,” simply writing “Get Donged” followed by his name.

London, England – Today is mother’s day. Across the world, millions of people will be sending gifts, candy, cards, flowers, and more to their moms. Written on many of these items will be words such as “To the greatest mom ever” or “To the best mom in the world.” Social media sites will be littered with claims of “I have the best mom ever” and much less literate messages such as “U no I got tha gr8st mom luv u.” But with so many people claiming to have the greatest mother, how many of them have done the appropriate legwork to support such a claim? Not only do statistics not support the number of “best mom” claims to be accurate, studies show that some of them are likely absolutely horrible mothers, such as those women who spawned Lindsay Lohan and the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch. Some may even point to the mothers of women who turned out to be strippers, but that’s really more of a terrible father’s day issue. We’ll address that one next month.

Boston, Massachusetts – Rumors began to swirl this week about musician Taylor Swift and Boston bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, dating. Though nothing has been confirmed, there have been reports this week that the two had actually begun their relationship early last Friday morning while Tsarnaev was on the run from authorities. According to one source close to Swift, the country singer reached out to Tsarnaev after seeing the manhunt unfold on CNN. That same source said that, as it was happening, Swift remarked to her that “This guy is completely screwed” and asked “Wouldn’t it be like so totally crazy if I dated this guy? After several moments of silence, she reportedly explained “Because like, if I dated him, and he like, goes to jail or gets killed, then like, it would pretty much be like the ultimate breakup song I could write.” After several more moments of awkward silence, it is said that Swift pleaded with this source, saying “Look, there’s only so many pathetic breakup songs I can write about before the guys I’m dating finally figure me out. I need this!”

Watertown, Massechusetts – While the manhunt continues for Boston marathon bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 19 year old’s family has been busy showing the world that they are completely delusional assholes. Tsarnaev’s aunt, mother, and father have all gone on record today as saying that they believe the boys were framed and claiming that the pictures and video of the two men have been staged and that they are “100 percent innocent.” It is not uncommon to see two completely innocent people carjack someone and run from the cops. Look at OJ Simpson. He fled from police back in 1994 and he was completely innocent. It is also nothing out of the ordinary for innocent people to be wearing explosives and shooting at police officers. In fact, it would be more suspicious if they WERE NOT involved in a shootout with cops. And finally, it is extremely normal for someone who has done nothing wrong to lead police on a massive manhunt for over 12 hours. That kind of stuff happens everyday.

Jackson, Mississippi – Tensions between the United States and South Korea are at an all time high today, though not for the reasons one may think. Typically, situations like this arise between two countries due to religion, politics, etc. In this case, however, it is all because of one Mississippi man and his incredibly inappropriate pick-up line he used with a girl recently. Jackson resident, Benjamin Douglas, reportedly approached Seohee Song, a South Korean native who attends a local college in Jackson, after seeing her on a newscast the night before, in which she was speaking of the current situation involving her parents back home and their fear of recent threats made by neighboring North Korea. Douglas reportedly located her at a bar the next night, approached her, and asked “Are you constipated?” before immediately adding “Because I want to fuck the shit out of you.” Song was understandably upset and confused. Afterward, her feelings turned to anger as she was repeating the story to friends and family back home via a Facetime conversation. Enraged, her family then told South Korean authorities, who then contacted the White House. Word then reached President Barack Obama, who immediately went on record as saying that “The words spoken by Douglas to Song have been seen as a verbal assault from our country to hers” and that he “Could not even fathom how someone could use such a pick-up line.” He then paused before saying “But what else would I expect from someone from Mississippi?” It is unknown at this time exactly how Obama is planning to deal with Douglas, but the president could later be seen very clearly mouthing the words “Guantanamo” and “water boarding” to a secret service agent.

Seattle, Washington - One man has taken the whole March Madness idea a little too far and has now lost all of his friends because of it. 29 year old Justin Davis has created a “best friend bracket” which pits everyone of his friends against each other with the winner being named his best friend. The bracket operates the same way NCAA tournament brackets do, with each friend receiving a seeding from 1-16, with 1 being the closest friend and 16 being a more distant friend. As if it weren’t insulting enough to his friends to receieve a number based on how good of a friend Justin thinks they are, he apparently was deciding the seeding and who won based on what they had done for him lately. And in one case, he even had a person in the “tournament” who was just a guy who works at the mall and helped him pick out some clothes last week. Here were a few of Justin’s matchups he had in the brackets that caused the most anger amongst his former friends:

- Justin’s closest friend for the past 17 years was downgraded in the tournament to a 5 seed because Justin doesn’t like his wife. (to be fair, she is a complete disaster as a human being)

- Another extremely close friend received a lower seed because he didn’t invite Justin to go get ice cream with he and his family over the weekend, causing Justin to sit at home and watch a ‘Lizard Lick Towing’ marathon

- In what had to be one of the most insulting moves, Justin’s friend of over a decade, with whom he speaks twice a day EVERY day, also received a lower seeding simply because he wouldn’t watch the television show, ‘Justified’, after Justin had told him to

Justin then revealed his bracket to his friends, somehow not expecting them to react as angrily as they did. After examining the names, seeding, who defeated who, and the fact that one name on the bracket just said “the guy at Target” (who actually moved onto the sweet 16), every single one of Justin’s friends agreed they no longer wanted to talk to him. Justin thought that at least the person who he had winning the tournament would be happy and continue speaking with him. He, however, had not taken into account the fact that he had both that friend and the friend’s wife pitted against each other in the final four. After winning that final four matchup, the friend gloated a bit too much, causing his wife to file for divorce and gain soul custody of the couple’s daughter. Justin Davis now says he regrets his “best friend bracket” idea, and that next year, he will do something much simpler and with less chance of being so disasterous. He says he is thinking of “family member bracket” instead.

Jackson, MS – The age old question of whether or not there is a God is expected to be answered Friday night at a concert in Jackson, Mississippi that will feature Shinedown, Three Days Grace, and POD. That is when, according to reports, a large volcanic formation will rise from the center of the Mississippi Coliseum, killing everyone in attendance, including the bands, thus proving that God not only exists, but that he is fair and just. There have been reports for some time now that the almighty has been growing increasingly weary of the fighting and deaths that are often related to the belief or disbelief of his existence. According to sources, he has been pondering a move that would announce his existence once and for all, but has been unsure of how he should make such a move. Though God was unavailable for comment, we were able to speak to his close friend, who wished only to be identified as Jeff. Jeff told us that he had lost count of the times that God would become emotional and say to him “Look at my children, J. Look at the way so many of them behave. Did I go wrong somewhere?” Jeff also says that God called him about three weeks ago, furious about tonight’s concert and screaming “Everything! I gave them everything! I created this all, and THIS is how they repay me, by using the talent I bestowed upon them to assemble these shitty bands?!” According to Jeff, God then simply said “That’s it!” and slammed the phone down. That is the last time Jeff says he has seen or heard from his friend. Jeff also told us that God has been more and more upset at acts like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift as well, but there is little he can do since their souls were legally sold to satan years ago.

Panama City, Florida – Spring Break begins for many students around the country this week. Many others, however, will not begin their spring break until next week or perhaps even later. No matter when your spring break is, there is one rule everyone must remember: If you don’t have weed or Van Halen, stay the fuck out of Panama City, Florida! It is a time honored spring break tradition to blast “Panama” on your stereo as you cross into Panama City, so have it at the ready. You will also want to listen to “Dance The Night Away” a minimum of three times during your vacation, as it is the perfect song to start the evening as you are getting ready to go out looking for those beach bangs you crave. Many, however, do not find the music of Van Halen enjoyable. Understandable and completely acceptable….if you brought weed. Maybe you’re a fan of bullshit like Mac Miller or Lil Wayne and you prefer to listen to that as you prepare for your night out. That’s ok. Smoke some tree, stroll down the strip, maybe you’re going to Club La Vela; good times. However, if you are planning on going to Panama this spring break, but have NEITHER Van Halen NOR weed, then you might as well not go! Do yourself a favor and just stay home. Maybe get yourself a pizza, get some movies from Redbox, maybe go to the mall tomorrow, but keep your ass out of Panama Fucking City, Florida! You’re not ready! If you’re not equipped with music featuring the golden tones of Diamond Dave or a plant that you can smoke that will mellow you out just enough to make some bad decisions, then you must sit this one out. If you do stroll into Panama City with no Van Halen tunes, no weed, then do you think in 10 years, your memories of this vacation will just be a montage of brobangs, beach babes, and basically living in Tittie City for a week, all set to a montage of David Lee Roth singing about girls getting high on dancing? No! You’ll be thinking about the time you went to Panama only to stay in your hotel room, watch wrestling, then quietly masturbate as you fall asleep, with the one highlight of your trip being the seafood restaurant you went to….and even that gave you diarrhea the next day.

Jackson, Mississippi – Last Valentine’s Day, we brought you the story of Steve Bearmiller, a local sad sack who claimed he had had enough of Valentine’s Day catering only to couples and had decided to hold his own Valentines party for only himself (though life kind of made that decision for him.) Now 43, Bearmiller, who can be seen in this photo looking longingly at the last valentines gift he receieved – in 1987. We entered the basement in which Bearmiller lives just as he was looking at this present and sobbing uncontrollably, though he claimed he just had something in his eye….for the next minutes. We asked Steve how had he been doing since last Valentine’s day, though as we noticed he was wearing the same stained gray wife beater and sweatpants he was wearing at this time last year, we just assumed we knew the answer already. He claimed he had been doing great in the last year, telling us he had gotten a few new games for each of his Playstation 3, Xbox, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo 64, and Super Nintendo, some new CDs, and that later today he would be pleading with his sister to buy him the newly released “Perks of Being a Wallflower” DVD when she goes out, because he does not….ever. In fact, Bearmiller told us he has not left the house since last Valentine’s day. “So it’s safe to assume you haven’t been on any dates?” we then asked him. He replied, “Well, I was talking to a couple of girls online, but they couldn’t handle my spirit.” Turns out that “spirit” he spoke of led him to being permanently banned from the dating websites eHarmony, Zoosk, and Match.com, as well as receiving a 6 month ban from Facebook. It is believed that he is the first person to receieve a ban from so many websites at once. Bearmiller, however, says he is ok with it because he plans to start his own dating website called IlltakewhatIcanget.com. “But first, the party!” he exclaimed as he pointed to the table in the corner of his virgin lair, a table containing numerous finger sandwiches, chips, dips, cupcakes, cookies, popcorn, and two cases of soda. We were excited for him at first, as it was clear that with the amount of food he had, that he must be expecting a large gathering of friends or perhaps family, prompting us to ask how many people were coming. Our excitement turned to sadness as he responded “Just me guys. It’s going to epic!” Our feelings then became an odd mixture of sadness and fear as we noticed that on the table, beside the multiple snacks, were a stack Valentine’s day cards featuring WWE wrestlers that he had written to himself with messages of “Best friend ever,” “Stay cool,” and “You’re gonna make it one day. Just you wait! 43 is the new 20″ (last year, he wrote “42 is the new 20″ on his own homemade valentines to himself.) We then hurried up the stairs away from his basement and left Steve Bearmiller to his big day, a day filled with eating nine pounds of food, watching old episodes of Doctor Who and Firefly, and taking the more than occasional break to masterbate.

Jackson, Tennessee – A Tennessee resident has proven to be yet another shining example for his state as he sent his dog to be euthanized because he suspected it was gay. The man surrendered his dog to the Jackson Rabies Control Animal Shelter two days ago because he saw the dog, a male pitbull/American bulldog mix, humping a male dog. The dog was to be killed the next day but, luckily, someone who was not a hate monger and had an IQ over 15, adopted him. The name of the man who left the dog to be killed has not been released, but a note he left tucked under the dog’s collar has been revealed. It read as follows:

“This here dog is queer as a three dollar bill. Two boy dogs ought not lay together. Bible! I seen this dog having sex with another boy dog and I aint gonna stand for that. This is America! This is Tennessee damn it! What you think Dale Jr would say about some dog being a faggot? Johnny Cash would roll over in his grave. So you take this queer I dont want him around me trying to have sex with me GOD DAMN FAG DOG!”